Unbreakable

Written by Andi Bazaar, Oliver Tydalé Schofield [The Creator of The Me: You Can’t See (U.K.)]

“Growing up in a fundamentalist religion, there was an enormous amount of stigma surrounding mental health. I can’t count how often you’d hear little whispers about someone dealing with depression.” — Jwan Höffler Conwall

“When I was younger, I was surrounded by a big bunch of my male friends and we were into street sports like skateboarding and we hung out all the time and they started to get girlfriends and I wasn’t interested.”

I thought I was going through a phase, I couldn’t understand also I didn’t really wanna be interested in either gender. I was really just interested in my skateboard and hanging out like a typical kid.

I was confused, I was starting to get a bit upset about myself. I started to not eat properly, I started to lose sleep and I told one of my friends:

“I’m just not really interested in girls, I don’t know (maybe) I don’t know what’s going on with me.” and then I watched him tell all the other boys in my group and from then, they just abandoned me.

From a young age, I had to suppress my sexuality because I thought:

“I don’t know what’s going on with me but when I talk about it, I’m losing friends and I’m losing my peers.”

The term that I’m using there, they bullied me with silence is really prevalent in the fact that they didn’t bully me with words or actions or make fun of me or hit me or abuse me:

• they just abandoned me
• they left me and fell silent on me and that almost was worse, I didn’t have them to try and hang around
• they didn’t want to know me

Like I couldn’t even argue my way to a point or fight and get it out of our systems and move on, I was left to feel isolated as an adolescent. That was why I think for so many years I suppressed my sexuality, never come to terms with it.

Whenever somebody would ask me if I were gay, I’d always say no and that I was “bi” as a way to sort of cushion the blow almost. It’s a rough thing to say but I was terrified that I would lose my friends and family. Jeff, who’s one of my best friends to this day came along at school. I was in PE one day and he could obviously tell there was something wrong, he was like:

“I heard you’re arguing with your other friends.”

(I was like) “I had a bad time with them and we had a disagreement about girls.” (and long story short, he goes): “Oh, I’m gay.” (and he’s like) “Are you?” (and I’m like) “No, I’m Bi. I don’t know what I am.” and from there, he completely gave me somebody to relate to. At that point, that was a complete savior for me:

• he was my rock
• he was my shoulder to cry on
• he help me come out to my mom
• he helped me come out to my family
• he was genuinely an angel right there when I needed him.

Jeff’s helped me all the way through until now with my sexuality, I just needed to pay homage to him, as well as paying homage to all friends out there and those who’ve stood by their friends.

Suicide is not an easy topic to discuss when mental illness is not seen as a real disease, so many people struggling with mental health rarely open up because of the stigma attached to “mental health suicide prevention.”

Its even harder to open up about suicide in churches because some people think the topic is too heavy for children and when you’re older all you get is Bible verses and how “You’re one of God’s strongest soldiers.” While you may think, “I’m praying for you,” feels like the right thing to say for people struggling, it isn’t a solution.

Thing is, we can’t afford to ignore the topic just because it’s hard to talk about, contrary to popular belief, talking about suicide does not make things worse honest, open communication can do just the opposite. It’s difficult to imagine what led a loved one, that seemed to have it all, to commit suicide. There are no clear warning signs and while there’re many factors that lead to this tragic event the one thing that remains certain is severe depression from unspoken traumatic events.

Sometimes people attempt suicide not so much because they really want to die but because they simply don’t know how to get help, suicide attempts are not a cry for attention but a cry for help. It becomes a way to demonstrate to the world just how much they are hurting.

While it might have appeared that someone had everything to live for, it probably didn’t feel that way to them. You may never know why a person committed suicide. So until mental illness is seen as physical illness of the brain the world will continue to lose beautiful people and talents.

With this said,

I hope we as humans become intentional in recognizing suicide behavior and actively work on listening to people with no judgment when they open up about their suicidal thoughts.

I hope as we raise our kind children we not only teach them how to heal physically but emotionally as well and I pray to God we are kind enough to apologize to our children when we’re wrong because the one emotional abusive trait parents have is holding power over accountability.

If you suffer from depression and anxiety, don’t let your mind deceive you. You’re beautifully and wonderfully made, you’re loved and your smile makes the world a better place .

“Therapy isn’t just for broken people, your brain is an expensive machine. Instead of only thinking about anxiety and depression as mental disorders, we should expand that conversation to emotional health, mental training and proactive mental care.”

As you grow, life doesn’t ask if you’re ready for what comes next you just need to adapt fast enough to swim when the tide hits. We develop social strategies and coping mechanisms for growing up early on, the tide of change shapes the callous hide of our emotional identity.

Many of us fail to create space in adulthood to step back and re-process our emotional identities.

• why do we think the way we do?
• why do we react the way we do?
• are the instincts we’ve developed optimal?
• are the motivations behind our instincts pure?

“we don’t live in silos, each of our lives has a multiplicity of touch-points.”

The more touch-points you have, the more time you spend learning to be presentable. You need space to be vulnerable or your self-image will be corrupted, mimetic desire warps our perspective. It’s very easy to see a warning light in your car and keep driving because whatever is wrong is not making scary noises and isn’t impacting your immediate driving experience. Likewise, we often see warning signs of sub-optimal emotional or mental output and keep driving.

“prevention is cheaper than the cure.”

Stop the car, it’s better to make time for checking your internal engine before something expensive breaks and you spin out of control, causing damage to yourself and those around you. You’ll expend far more mental energy training yourself to navigate your handicaps than you would by sitting down and solving them.

The accountability of a trained professional is best considered as a sophisticated tool for self-assessment, development, and training. Focused time for emotional development is nothing to frown at. As good as you might be at self-diagnosing, hot-wiring, or talking to a friend that knows a few things sometimes there’s a lot to be gained by speaking with a trained mechanic.

Not everyone can afford therapy, there are many resources for mindfulness, meditation and self-reflection available for little-to-no cost online. They are great and may be enough. Simultaneously, consider the impact of a great coach.

Lebron James spends over $1.5m a year taking care of his body despite being a natural freak athlete and one of the most enduring sportspeople of all time, we should treat our emotional conditioning in the same way. Ironically Lebron also partners with Calm, a mental fitness app.

The more interconnected you are, the more mental stamina you’ll need to cope. That’s where therapy, mindfulness and meditation can help.

“Your mental health is as important as your physical health, prioritize your spending in a way that reflects the importance of your mental wellbeing.”

Growing up in a fundamentalist religion, there was an enormous amount of stigma surrounding mental health. I can’t count how often you’d hear little whispers about someone dealing with depression.

If they didn’t “snap out of it,” in what was viewed as a reasonable amount of time or god forbid — started medication for it, it was viewed as one of two things: failure to turn to God for solace through their hardships, or an intentional willingness to “wallow” in their own misery. (probably for the attention.)

Anxiety was treated similarly, maybe even worse because of Phil. 4:6 — “be anxious for nothin’” — being anxious was a direct disobedience right? Can’t have that!

Naturally, droves of congregants went undiagnosed and untreated for mental health disorders, myself included. As an adult with persistent depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder, I threw myself into scripture trying desperately to alleviate the crippling symptoms and finding no relief at all despite how fervently I prayed and how much I begged God for peace.

Towards the end of my time as a Christian, the attitude started to shift amongst the church especially amongst the women. (it’s speculation, but i believe this has something to do with the prevalence of postpartum depression and anxiety.)

There was growing acknowledgement that it was chemical imbalance and or trauma that led to these mental health issues, *not* a lack of faith but still that cloud of stigma hovers overhead and shames far too many into avoiding treatment for something that is in no way their own fault.

My life has improved in uncountable ways since leaving the faith and this is one of them, I’ve done therapy and am medicated and my ability to have healthy relationships and function on a daily basis is so improved that I don’t feel like I’m even the same person I used to be. I could start an entire, very long series on the ways the church harms people and this is just one of them.

5 Reasons a Man’s Mental Health may not be what you think:

I’ve had feelings of depression for a year but there’s also been easy distractions:

• spending
• alcohol
• netflix
• books

While these suppressed my depression, I found 5 systemic blockers to my mental health that I want to share in case these are holding you back too.

1. Don’t Know How to Identify Emotions
2. Growing up, my father never showed much emotion so I didn’t either. I’ve spent 10+ years learning that my emotions should be embraced, not rejected but even with an underlying weight on my heart I didn’t have the tools to identify it.
3. How can you begin identifying your emotions? Develop your own outlets and practice:

• meditation
• journaling
• therapist
• spouse
• friends

Identify where you’re comfortable sharing, do it regularly. Learning to organize and identify your feelings takes time and practice.

2. There’s no Space to Share

My partner always has stories to tell and emotions to share. She says she’s the Friday and I’m the Monday. She’s not wrong, beaking the rhythm of her sharing and me supporting for my own space can be hard but it’s critical for my wellbeing.

So how can you create space:

• force it to exist.
• no screens, no kids, eliminate distractions.
• sit for 60 minutes and share whatever is on your minds.
• the conversation may stay light or stretch for hours but the space won’t happen if you don’t ruthlessly create it together.

3. Money Feels Tight

Sometimes I think about seeing a professional to unpack things but then I think about the bills, I think about wanting to retire sooner. So allocating budget to something without a tangible ROI feels hard.

Yet most of us don’t think twice about signing up for:

• gym memberships
• personal trainers
• life Coaches
• food subscription

“Your mental health is as important as your physical health, prioritize your spending in a way that reflects the importance of your mental wellbeing.”

4. Responsibility Overload

We recently went through 2 miscarriages, my partner was broken physically and emotionally. I took on everything at home, she needed space to rest and heal. The truth? I needed to heal too, don’t let your task list stand in the way of mental heatlh. Tough seasons are all around us. Really hard things happen to one or both of you in life but taking care of your mental selves will empower you to take care of each other too.

My advice here:

• both spouses need wellness space
• communicate constantly
• seek help if needed

5. Men are Taught to Project Strength

Looking strong and being strong aren’t the same, looking strong just involves doing the right things. Emotions can be secondary, being strong means feeling healthy. Focus your energy on improving how you feel, strength will follow. Once you’ve identified your blockers, employ these 3 quick steps to start navigating depression:

1. Know the signs:

1. fatigued
2. poor sleep
3. bad Eating
4. cranky or Irritable
5. digestive problems
6. loss of Interest in things
7. feeling sad, anxious or empty
8. suicidal thoughts

2. Talk

My partner and I do regular evenings on the couch just talking about anything, she’s getting better about facilitating space for me to share but if it’s not your spouse, that’s ok too. Find someone trusted and empathetic and just start talking things out.

3. Be Patient

Many of these habits and coping mechanisms are deeply ingrained, Identifying and working through them will take teamwork and time. There are no overnight fixes to a dialogue about mental health but Men’s mental health is too important to simply ignore.

Three powerful tools for mental health:

• Catch yourself when you’re abandoning yourself to be validated, accepted or loved by others. Redirect and ask: “What is the most self-loving thing I can do in this situation?”
• Don’t believe everything your mind tells you, when you catch yourself in a negative thought pattern, redirect and ask: “is this true?” — if so, is it helpful to think about it?
• Make self-forgiveness a daily practice, stop living in the past. When you catch yourself judging yourself, redirect and affirm: “i forgive my past self and i choose not to rob my present self of this moment.”

I hope to share more thoughts on my journey unpacking my mental health, until then.

• my dms are open, no one should experience this alone
• you can share this with others
• feel free to follow me on instagram, so we can grow in life together

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

Andi Bazaar (Writer)

Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)

Yevhn Gertz (Director of Photography)

dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)

dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)

dr Khaan, MD (Consulting)

Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)

Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)

Scott Wynné Schofield (Publicist)

Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)

Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design/Model)

Hugo-licharré Freimann (Ass Director)

Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph

In appearance by “Jwan Höfflér Conwall” (Model)

Thanks to, Shawn McKenzie (Production Team) and Emir Ash-Shiddiq Tendean (Co-writer)

In collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See (TMYCSUK)