Toxic Masculinity: "An Endless Barrage of Guilt and Shame Tactics"

Written by Andi Bazaar, Yevhn Gertz, Scott Wynné Schofield and Henrie Louis Friedrich | Aug 18, 2023

"Our domination-based culture of masculinity shit, the larger generations old enforcement of a narrow set of rules for being a man teaches boys don’t show your emotion, be tough never ask for help, be heterosexual, never talk about anything deep, have control over women and girls."

This generation of young women aren't internalizing patriarchy, the attempt to condition them to accept a dominance-based culture of masculinity isn't working.

I see so many people say that they are advocates for mental health, what they actually do is advocate the romanticising of mental illnesses and putting themselves out there as an “influencer” with ✨flaws✨ as part of their brand?

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT:

I think it’s great that social media is a platform for many to share their experiences and struggles when they have a particular illness or disorder, I have learnt so much about different experiences through it."

BUT IF YOU ARE:

Expecting special treatment or attention, constantly bringing up how it sets you apart or makes you unique, encouraging (gaslighting?) others to believe that they possibly have the same issue even when they show no symptoms. you are part of the problem!

“mEnTaL hEaLtH iS iMpoRtaNt!!” — they scream on social media, while basking in the spotlight of sympathy and expressing that their meds don’t help and their professional medical provider is “not good enough to help them.” — what in the actual fuck?

I’m so sick and tired of constantly seeing people put up this front that they actually care about mental health when really they just care about the attention they receive from saying they have a disorder and I am so sick and tired of people trying to make it seem that having these disorders or illnesses are cool.

THEY ARE NOT AND YOU’VE HEARD IT BEFORE!

These past few months have been the worst for Emmanuel Piero-luccá Schofield mental health, he sank to lower than he thought he’d ever go.

I wrote this article to make young people and others aware of mental health, in a world where you can be anything please be kind to yourself and reach out if you need to.

WHICH IS WHY SO MANY MEN CAN'T GET A DATE.

• him: *signaling old school masculinity*
• her: hell no! are you nuts?

The result is many men are resorting to hate speech and violence against women in a last ditch attempt to reassert control over them, this includes political violence designed to force women to give birth even to their rapists babies.

Any man continuing to sit silent on the sidelines is culpable, silence empowers violence against women. Men saying “What about men’s suffering?” — empowers shit men who seek to control women. We all must rise together and that requires men getting fully engaged to end the war on women.

ANYTHING LESS IS JUST EXCUSES

There’s a boatload of research on dominance-based man box culture and the resulting negative impacts on women’s lives.

https://www.splcenter.org/fighting-hate/extremist-files/ideology/male-supremacy

I’m pointing to our dominance-based culture shit of masculinity, that culture that teaches boys and men to hide emotions and rely on dominance of others to validate our masculinity is bad.

"A healthy masculine culture of emotional expression and authentic connection is good."

What is crucial for us as men is to make the distinction between our own individual, masculine identities and the larger dominance-based man box culture of masculinity which taught us what we believe about how to be men.

If we as men can drive a little wedge of daylight between our individual identities and that larger culture, we can begin to ask ourselves questions like:

• why do I believe what I believe about women?”
• "why do I believe that I must be emotionally stoic to be a man?”

This is where men’s work takes place, to break out of our dominance-based culture of masculinity and instead create a healthy masculine culture of human expression and connection.

Mark while I recognise your great intentions I think it is much more subtle, the issue is not men per/ say even though it plays out as that in the world as abuse not denying that. For me it is the inner masculine in both sexes that is inmature.

Until we as a species can shift 180 degrees to where our inner masculine is being guided by our hearts the inner feminine, we will continue to see more and more polarization and outrage in relationships and in Scocioty.

A great example of this was the unconscious masculine energy of "just trust the science" and all will be well during pandemic.

This is a great collective example of where intition and the heart is trampled by the inmature masculine, here is another example focused on make female relationships .

"Women treat mens hearts how you want your vagina to be treated."

Women tend to with their own inmature masculine push and probe uninvited and without sensitivity into men's hearts without the touching base with the inner feminine guiding them, both sexes have a lot of growing to do in this regard in upgrading the immature masculine.

Our domination-based culture of masculinity shit, the larger generations old enforcement of a narrow set of rules for being a man teaches boys don’t show your emotion, be tough never ask for help, be heterosexual, never talk about anything deep, have control over women and girls.

While you (I think) locate the problem in individuals expression of gender, I locate it in the social, in the patriarchal systems and structures that break boys emotional expression and connection and slots them into dominance hierarchies.

It is in the rigid isolating enforcement of the rules of "Man Box" culture that boys are trained to hide their authentic selves, they’re taught via policing of expression to validate their masculinity not via authentic expression and connection but by dominating those around them.

And when boys show too much emotion, too much need for connection they’re bullied via the denigration of the feminine:

• "what are you, a sissy?"
• "what are you a girl?"

They result is boys are both taught to hide their authentic expression/connection and see girls and women as less. Boys are trained to become men who bully and police each other to stay locked down in the man box, murderous violence against LGBTQIA+ people becomes an horrific anti-feminine expression of that bullying policing mindset. Violence against women, non-binary people.

MEN’S MENTAL HEALTH DESERVES MUCH MORE ATTENTION

"Toxic Masculinity" has made men think that they can't have a mental illness or seek professional help for their mental health, men don't need to "man up" they just need to be given the proper support

Our goal is to foster healthier expressions of masculinity by addressing how toxic masculinity contributes to gender inequality, mental health issues and harmful practices.

WOMEN ARE THE BIGGEST ENFORCERS OF "TOXIC MASCULINITY" HERE IS WHY

WOMEN REWARDING NEGATIVE BEHAVIOUR

• Women will talk about not wanting to be treated like shit from douchebags but will to still go out with them.
• Women need to realize that when they do actions like this it only signals to other men that this is truly what women want.
• Women are disgusted by emotional men, despite all of the virtue signaling telling men to open up.
• Women don’t like when men cry, because it makes them seem weak and a loser.

So they filtrate for emotionally cold men, women want men always be in the ascending position

Women want men to be above them: making more money, be the provider.

• Men are never allowed in the secondary position.
• Men are put into positions where they have to be rough, cruel to others so they can be in high positions.

BODY SHAMING

They shit on short men for being short this is a form of body shaming and very hurtful to men, by associating manliness with being tall and calling men that don't live up to that standard "not real men" they create bitterness.

SMALL OR BIG DICK ENERGY

By associating confidence with big dicks and narcissism with small dicks women enforce the idea that size matters and that men who lack in size are worthless.

INCEL/VIRGIN/LOSER

While women hate being objectified, they certainly use the mans ability to get girls as a metric on how successful or how much of a man he really is. This term is also used if a woman disagrees with a man, so this label is typically used to emasculate them.

WOMEN CRAVING DOMINANT MEN

I once saw an article where a women said she was turned on by her CEO husband telling someone off over the phone, with almost every woman in the comments agreeing it was hot.

• Women are the biggest positive reinforcers of supposed toxic masculinity.
• Women are the biggest enforcers of "toxic masculinity." this is a fact.

When I worked with abusive men, I saw the difference between the men who had family and friends who challenged their abusive behavior and those who didn't. Having a friend who said, "don't act like that toward her" could make all the difference in the world.

I'm thinking of one person who was really impacted when neighbors told him that his son was scared of him. In another instance, a best friend physically restrained another man from going over to his ex-wife's and being assaultive.

This is also how the groups would work at their best: "men would confront each other about their behaviors."

On the other hand, men who had friends or family who egged them on their negative thinking or didn't intervene were more likely to continue that behavior. While in some instances perpetrators only act abusively behind closed doors, in many others, their behaviors are obvious.

To others, talking to a friend or family member who you've observed demeaning, controlling or disrespecting their partner (or children) is a personal decision based on your relationship, issues of safety and other factors and some instances it can help.

What stories do you have of friends and family members successfully intervening with someone who is engaging in harmful behavior to his family members?

LET'S TALK ABOUT TOXICITY IN MASCULINITY, 8 POINTS TO CONSIDER WHEN DISCUSSING TOXIC MASCULINITY:

• Toxicity in masculinity takes the form of domination, aggression and control.
• It is rooted in the expectation that men must be masculine in order to be considered “real” men.
• Toxic masculinity affects both men and women, as it enforces oppressive gender roles for all genders.
• It also implies that those who don’t conform to traditional gender norms are inadequate or wrong.
• It can lead to violence, homophobia and other forms of discrimination and has been linked to higher rates of suicide and depression among young men.
• It can be addressed through education, conversations about healthy masculinity and creating safe spaces for dialogue.
• We must also work to ensure that our laws, policies and social practices recognize the experiences of all genders.
• Lastly, we should also recognize that toxic masculinity isn’t an inherent trait but can be unlearned and replaced with healthier behaviors and attitudes.

DEALING WITH DEPRESSION HAS TAUGHT ME TWO THINGS:

"nobody really cares, everyone is dealing with their own shit and it really is up to you to dig yourself out of that hole no matter how exhausting it seems to even just pick up that shovel."

No matter how strong you are or for how long you’ve been dealing with it all by yourself, there comes a time where you’ll need someone to hold you and tell you everything’s going to be alright.

If the whole world hated you, "could you still love yourself?" — dealing with criticism is a test to see how much you believe in yourself. Learn to love yourself so you can love others when faced with difficulties, practice compassion daily with others as well as yourself.

DEALING WITH INSENSITIVE, UNSUPPORTIVE OR UNAFFIRMING FAMILIES THIS WEEK:

• You are awesome and wonderful.
• You are your own person and you don’t need to define yourself by how they see you.
• Be strong, you have friends who can be way better than family.

Dealing with a toxic friendship is also one of the most exhausting things to go througt, it is so important to surround yourself with friends who uplift and support you and don’t bring you down.

Learn to improve your self-relationship before dealing with others because that is based on how you treat yourself:

• you cannot connect with others if you lack self-connection.
• you cannot give others what you refuse to yourself, as much as you cannot offer what you don’t have.

Your good heart and that beautiful conscience you have can conspire against you, seeing the world in all of it’s fucked up glory and still choosing to come as yourself is brave but it does well to know how to handle people and sometimes that means not dealing at all.

1 IN 5 PEOPLE ARE EFFECTED BY A MENTAL ILLNESS DURING THEIR LIFETIME

• sometimes you may know someone struggling with a mental illness.
• sometimes you may live with someone who fights a mental illness every day.
  -sometimes, it may be you.

FIGHTING THE MENTAL ILLNESS

There will be good days, bad days, sad days, “too much” days, awesome days, exhausted days and even “can’t do this anymore” days and every day you show up ready to enjoy the ride, fight the battle or just try to make it through the day.

No matter how you feel, those are your feelings and they are completely valid. It’s okay to not be okay!

• You are more than your illness and that does not define you.
• Your strength and courage define you, you decide how you want to be defined.
  -Your mental health is not a personal failure.

So be kind to your self and be kind to others because everyone you meet could be fighting a battle that you can’t see or know anything about.

Thank you to those who sent kind words, love, etc. When you have a mental illness, sometimes your mind spirals to scary places. Something about rejections are triggering to me depending on how they are worded.

It’s a battle I fight daily, but I don’t always win. So thank you for holding me up and giving me the energy to continue to fight, I’m blessed to have you all in my life. Words can never express how much reaching out to me means.

Thankful for my family and everyone who cared to asked how I’ve been, mental illness is a huge battle to fight against. It definitely isn’t impossible with a great support system. We all struggle but its how we put our mind into living better, let that sink in.

”You may have to fight a battle more than once.”

Your mental illness doesn’t define you, how you deal with it defines you. It’s okay to have rough difficult days and it’s okay to need help, if you are fighting the battle on your own we are here.

I hope you know how loved you are. you are not a burden even though you struggle with mental illness. You deserve all the love you freely share with the world in return, unconditionally.

I know some days are exhausting, constantly battling yourself. It makes life scary and hard, sometimes impossible.

• it’s okay if you can’t function some days.
• it’s okay if it takes you longer to do things than others.

YOU’RE DOING YOUR BEST AND THAT’S WHAT COUNTS

Chronic mental illness sucks and I'm so sorry you deal with it, I hope you know how resilient you are. You fight an invisible battle with yourself every day, sometimes every second of every day. You are so capable to overcome anything you’re going through.

Today I am proud of myself for continuing to fight against my mental illness. Everyday is a new battle, but I am learning how to love myself, care for others and most importantly how to be myself.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography/Co-writer)
• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher/Co-writer)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst/Co-writer)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by "E. Pierro-luccá Schofield" / Emmanuel Piero-luccá Schofield (Model)
• In collaboratiin with The Me: You Can’t See