Tolerating The Uncertain (Chapter. 2)
Written by Andi Bazaar, Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph | March 17, 2023
It’s important to note that depression can look different for each individual. The causes of clinical depression are largely unknown however vulnerability to this condition is believed to be a combination of genetic, environmental and psychological factors.
There are many people (especially men in general) who will absolutely take advantage of vulnerability in attachment and mental health to love bomb and promise many things, after that they completely switch their behaviour and become abusive. It becomes difficult to leave.
The reason being is that the people in that relationship still feel like the real person was the one early on and are waiting for that “person” to come back even though that was just a mask that they were wearing for the purpose of manipulation.
By the time the realization hits, there may be already be difficulties because there is the feeling that we can help the abuser or that we invested so much in the relationship already, however it is important to get help in any way possible and leave for our own safety.
DEPRESSION
- A mental illness characterised by a low mood that lasts for a long time and affects your daily life.
A diagnosis of depression might involve being told you have mild, moderate or severe depression. There are also some more specific forms of depression such as *Seasonal Affective Disorder" (SAD) which occurs at a particular time of year or during a particular season.
Dysthymia is a continuous mild depression that lasts for two years or more, it’s also known as persistent depressive disorder or chronic depression. Prenatal depression also known as antenatal depression is a depression that occurs during pregnancy and "Postnatal Depression" (PND) is a depression that occurs in the first year after giving birth.
People with depression often face one or more of the following symptoms:
- low self-esteem
- loss of energy
- change in appetite
- sleeping more or less
- anxiety
- reduced concentration
- indecisiveness
- restlessness feelings of worthlessness
guilt or hopelessness and thoughts of self-harm or suicide
It’s important to note that depression can look different for each individual, the causes of clinical depression are largely unknown however vulnerability to this condition is believed to be a combination of genetic, environmental and psychological factors.
There’s a growing body of research showing the ways in which the historical legacies of racism and colonialism create depressive conditions when the lived experiences of marginalised people ranges from:
- conditions of migration
- class stratification
- cultural genocide
- labour exploitation
- social immobility
Depression can be seen as a ‘rational response to global conditions.’
Everyone can feel sad, blue or hopeless when bad things happen. The world news may be a source of great sadness for many at the moment, however if you’re able to bounce back without treatment it probably isn’t depression.
We ask that you raise your awareness to the realities of depression and avoid casually using phrases like “I’m so depressed” when you mean disappointed or sad.
More conscientious use of language will prevent trivialising or stigmatising real conditions and lead to people seeking the support they need.
WHY SELF-DIAGNOSIS IS VALID
Being against self-diagnosis is classist and racist, diagnoses aren't flippantly given based on symptoms. Doctors rely on test results, sometimes the test results are a fluke, though so it's not very reliable. For instance, the test for systemic lupus can come back negative even if you do have it.
This article may be outdated, but the point is that basic tests can cost $100+ even with insurance which a lot of people don't even have.
One set of blood tests I recall being charged for without insurance paying was $800 just from one appointment
https://truecostofhealthcare.org/diagnostic-tests/
This certainly isn't the only source that says this but here's an article stating the BIPOC make up the majority of the poverty population.
Point being, POC are disproportionately unable to afford health insurance and therefore testing for diagnoses.
http://www.stateofworkingamerica.org/index.html%3Fp=4193.html
The tests required for diagnoses are not only expensive but also typically done multiple times because they don't always reflect the situation accurately.
People in poverty can't afford extensive testing, they can't afford diagnoses. Furthermore, all minorities are more likely to be dismissed by medical professionals.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK220337/
So even if someone has the funds to pursue a diagnosis, they may encounter discrimination that keeps them from it.
A quick Google search can provide numerous articles that support these claims.
Mental illness has multiple factors outside of cost and ethnicity that make diagnoses hard to obtain, very few mental illnesses can be diagnosed via test. They have to be diagnosed based on symptoms. However, many different disorders share the same symptoms
Furthermore, doctors don't always listen. It's actually rather difficult to find a doctor who listens to and acknowledges your issues even when we've done our own research they often dismiss us and our concerns. This applies to both mental and physical Illnesses actually.
Self-diagnosis is not as harmful as you think, in fact it's often more reliable than official diagnoses. When we talk about self-diagnosis, we don't mean when people flippantly say shit like "omg I'm so bipolar" because they're moody.
Most people including myself do extensive research to self-diagnose, having a diagnosis helps us handle the illness or disorder.
Having a diagnosis can help us cope, as well as open up new opportunities to bond with others who have the same diagnosis. It can explain so much and give us a better idea of how to proceed and improve our lives.
In conclusion, diagnoses are very difficult to obtain for many reasons including outrageous costs and racism in the medical field. So please, do not shame self-diagnosis.
By the way, this article barely scratches the surface of any of these issues. Mind you, racism in healthcare is fatal specifically against Black women. Do your research and spread awareness, donate to the funds of people who need treatment and contact your politicians.
Something I’ve been quiet about for a while, there is a lack of diversity in mental health advocacy and that needs to change. We need to create spaces that are safe and accessible for BIPOC, LGBTQ+, disabled and other marginalized communities.
I’m really tired of seeing mental health panels or workshops that aren’t diverse, different communities have different experiences and cultures. They need to be represented, if we aren’t at the table how will folks understand?
How are we supposed to move forward when folks are talking about DEI (Diversity, Equity and Inclusion) without taking these communities into consideration at times?
Why do white folks speak for those groups?
What can I do to help?
I’m just tweeting my thoughts here.
Mental heath problems affect people from all walks of life including at all levels of academic careers, we need some serious structural and cultural change to increase diversity with all the benefits that it brings.
As marginalised people we are experts at assessing risks to ourselves, this concern especially from the most privileged people in academia is paternalistic and patronising.
There is a difference between warning someone of the barriers in their way and discouraging them from even attempting to challenge these barriers, there are a million ways to support disabled and mentally ill people in academia. Telling them they shouldn’t be there isn’t one.
Maybe (best case scenario) these academics have experienced mental health issues themselves and are coming from a place of genuine concern but they did complete their PhD and are still in academia, so stand as an exception to their own advice.
Or maybe (much more common) they have never experienced any mental health difficulties and are concern-trolling, imagine a man telling a woman not to do a PhD because academia is sexist.
This fuels ableist victim-blaming of the marginalised, e.g. "why are you doing a PhD in the first place if you knew you had mental illness?" in response to constructed barriers.
Not to mention that academia is not something I want to be involved in if it doesn’t include the contributions of the mentally illness, diversity makes all of our fields richer.
Tl;dr: It is not the job of the privileged to further discourage the marginalised.
Alright folks, let’s talk about accountability in two ways. I want to share:
- A framework to create accountability in your life.
- One method to address instances of conflict or tension
I'm basing this on what I’ve learned about humans and what’s worked for me, oh I should clarify that I mean accountability with regard to relationships, people and identity.
I’m not really going to touch on routine or habits here.
CREATING ACCOUNTABILITY IN YOUR LIFE
To be successful, you have to start with a decent foundation and that is your mindset. You have to have a genuine desire and willingness to grow and change yourself, if you don’t think there’s anything to learn or improve you won’t.
Then, homework: It’s essential to
(1) take stock of who you are.
(2) decide who you want to be.
Do a deep dive and query your past and present ideas then define your purpose/your why/what guides you. Moving forward, you must constantly question your nature and motivations.
Next: develop meaningful relationships with a *culturally-diverse* set of people.
The trust may not be at 100% from Day 1 but it’s like a battery that can be charged or depleted, each interaction informs whether that battery’s charge increases or decreases.
I could write a whole this part on why the diversity part matters but the short version:
The people who you surround yourself with help you build a mental model of the world, it’s what you base all decisions on. More diversity = higher fidelity model of the world and how it works.
You must build trust with these people (from here, I’ll call them your community).
It can be friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, teammates, people online who you become friends with offline, someone whi you met randomly but want to stay connected with It’s just important that it be a reciprocal relationship.
You both have to want to share some kind of commitment to “show up” for each other when needed. That includes: being present, maybe doing favors for each other but definitely having each other’s backs.
THE PEOPLE IN YOUR PERSONAL COMMUNITY ARE YOUR “MIRRORS.”
They can reflect back to you who you are/how you are showing up and here’s the important part for accountability:
- You need to allow them to point out when you are veering off-course from who you say you want to be, when your mind is tuned to a place that’s open and consistently willing to update how it perceives, interprets and reacts to things. This feedback from others keeps you in check.
- You improve when the people you allow to influence you are morally-aligned with strong, positive values that whose interests extend beyond themselves.
A FEW PRO-TIPS AND I’LL MOVE ON
Believe other people’s experiences (trust in the moment, verify later if you need to).
- Yes this runs some risk but it’s worth it and becomes less dangerous as you get better at identifying what bad faith/scammers/takers look like.
- Regularly “break bread” with people unlike yourself.
- Make space for others.
- Use your power to lift up folks who are not where you are.
Power grows not only from taking but also giving, this is a positive more resilient form of power that feels good for you and others.
ADDRESSING INSTANCES OF CONFLICT OR TENSION
Listen ➡️ Mirror ➡️ Confirm ➡️ Validate
This is a process that has taken me a while to do well, it can feel super awkward at first but gets easier and more natural with practice. It’s a skill!
Important, strong emotions in a tense moment can prevent you from accessing these tools. We are animals after all, it’s natural.
For this reason, it’s key to know how to scan yourself when you feel a change in your body and acknowledge when you’re in an activated state. Exit the exchange respectfully and wait until you’re calm and thinking clearly to resume.
When I say “activated,” it’s basically to say that you’re in flight/fright/freeze mode and experiencing whatever natural reactions your body is conditioned to have.
Ok back to the tools...
Listen ➡️ Mirror ➡️ Confirm ➡️ Validate
LISTEN: this part can be tricky.
Listening is trying to immerse yourself into the mind, feelings and experience of the other person. It’s scanning for signals in their words, non-verbal cues + connecting it with what you know about them.
MIRROR: paraphrase and repeat back to the person what they said, without judgement.
I find that it helps to communicate that I’m attempting to understand what they’re saying and that I want to get it right.
CONFIRM: ask them if you understood it correctly, was you interpretation what they meant? If no, allow them to clarify. Go back to step 1 until you are in the same page. You can also ask if there’s more they want to share, if you got it right.
This part is really hard when you disagree with what they are saying, you have to keep your feelings in check respectfully acknowledge their reality. You will feel an urge to start developing your counter argument and not listen, this is why it takes practice and it gets easier.
VALIDATE: get over yourself and acknowledge their feelings or perspective in the context of what they shared.
Again, this is really hard if they have hurt you and you feel strong emotions in the moment but it’s important. You are telling them that you believe them, it’s a really key part of closing the loop for the other person.
Sometimes you have to dig deep for it, but what helps me remembering that everyone lives in a different reality and *this reality* is true to the person who is talking. Sometimes it’s not even about you, we all tell ourselves stories to explain fears and traumas that are imprinted deep in our minds.
Those imprints have no perception of time, you could have triggered a pain from a person’s childhood without knowing. Brains are complicated.
Once you’ve gone through all these steps you can then move to sharing your side, your reality, the stories you are telling yourself about the incident. You can then move on to forming solutions for navigating the future.
A SPECIAL THANKS TO:
- Dr Tydalé-Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
- Dr Seth Gryffenberg, MD (Consulting)
- Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
- Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
- Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
- Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
- Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
- Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
- Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph (Writer)
- In appearance by "Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph" (Model/Writer)
