TIMEHEELS: STOP GIVING A F*CK

Written by Andi Bazaar, Gryffen Seth | April 16, 2023

"Everyday for several months, I thought about killing myself and I mean everyday like waking up and it’s my first thought. Maybe if I was out of the way, it would make everyone happier?”

“The only thing stopping me was the little bit of hope I had, maybe by some miracle.”

This is going to be a very hard topic to talk about, but I feel like one of my contributor Jwan ready to publicly to talk about. This article is gonna break immersion and including: family death, depression and suicide."

Please don't continue reading if any of the topics will make you feel uneasy.

"My mom's birthday is on Saturday, some of y'all that may have known me for awhile knows she had a stroke. April 25th 2020 I'll never forget it, she was sitting inches away from me at the dinner table when a brain aneurysm burst."

It was the worst day for me. I knew I was never going to see her again, the person that meant the most to me was fighting for her life. It only got worse though, she survived the stroke and several brain surgeries but the trauma she suffered cause her to form dementia.

She thought she was living 30 years in the past. Thought my older sister was a infant, she didn't even recognize me as her son anymore. I know it wasn't her fault, it still hurts today knowing she passed away not even knowing who I was anymore.

My life at home didn't get easier. After raising $3000 in a single Twitch stream to try to help out with any medical bills that couldn't be covered, and finding myself a job at a attempt to fill any gaps financially, it still wasn't enough to my step dad.

I would constantly get harassed about everything I'd do. He would never say anything to my half-sister who is 6 years older than me and was jobless. When I brought up why she hasn't gotten a job, my stepdad simply said "because she cleans around the house?"

After constantly being harassed by my sister, her fiancé and my step dad almost every other day. I was fed being their punching bag, I snapped and verbally well to say the least went off on them.

I couldn't live in that house anymore, I didn't feel safe there. I would have rather have become homeless then spend another second there with them, thankfully my best friend and his mom let me live with them for awhile and I'm still really thankful for everything they did, I still stay at their house when I go on vacation but even after I left home knowing my mom was literally dying my own "family" treating me like I was less than nothing

I WAS AT THE LOWEST POINT IN MY LIFE.

"Everyday for several months, I thought about killing myself and I mean everyday like waking up and it's my first thought. Maybe if I was out of the way, it would make everyone happier? The only thing stopping me was the little bit of hope I had, maybe by some miracle."

MY MOM WOULD SUDDENLY GET BETTER SOMEHOW

That day never came, after spending a year in a half suffering from her condition she had a heart attack and passed away August 2021.

There will always be a void in my heart, I know I'll never her back and I wish I could somehow have done more for her I can't put into words how much I love her I miss her everyday.

Since 2020, I feel like I've grown a lot as a person, I'm still sober, I have a full time job, I recently leased my first car and I feel like I've been on a better path.

I'm slowly healing, I still have nightmares about the night she had her stroke but I feel like those dreams are truly never going to go away but it reminds me how much I've done since 2020.

Jwan Höffler Conwall’s dark story began after he took the SSRI Celexa (citalopram) for anxiety and depression. The medication made him lose all empathy and damaged his sexual function. 6 years after stopping the medication, he has not returned to normal.

READ HIS STORY IN THIS CHAPTER

In April 2016, I experienced a severe episode of anxiety and depression which in comparison to my current struggles was nothing.

The episode was aggravated by issues with my job and relationships. As a result, my doctor prescribed me Celexa at 20mg/day.

The first day I took the medication, I didn't notice much at first and then it grew into the most severe, terrifying anxiety attack in my chest. It felt like it was actively burning and deleting whatever emotions were living in my heart.

"I remember going to sleep that night and barely sleeping. It caused severe, debilitating anxiety and insomnia. Finally, when I woke up in the morning after getting only an hour or two of sleep I felt like the world had lost all meaning. Little did I know, this was the beginning of anhedonia. I went to work that day and everything felt pointless."

"It was as if everything was just void and had no meaning. I used to be happy, engaged and even intellectual. I thought of myself as a humanist but now I felt so dead inside."

"I thought, (maybe this is just the depression) and I kept hearing that it 'takes two weeks for the pills to kick in' and other things. So I kept taking the medication for approximately the rest of the week. Only about five or six total days."

"During that time, I had transformed into a completely different, empty, hollow, shell of a person. Add to all that, I became absolutely asexual and castrated. It was like the neurons/synapses in my brain that control my genitals had been fried."

"Being in my mid-20s, I used to have a really high libido but after about three days of taking Celexa, I noticed genital numbness, erectile dysfunction and a general disinterest in women."

"I remember trying to masturbate and my penis simply didn’t 'work'. It felt numb and didn’t respond to touch; nevermind trying to think sexual thoughts."

"My sexuality had been deleted deleted, the entire range of human feeling and experience removed — there is no longer a point to get out of bed. There’s no longer a point to do anything. I ended up losing my job because of the anhedonia."

"I became heartless and lost all empathy. I had disturbing thoughts of harming others, which was completely opposite of my former self. I used to be emotionally connected, often moved to tears by poetry, music, and deep thoughts."

"6 years have passed and I'm still not my former self. My cognitive abilities have improved, but my emotions haven't fully returned to their former strength. Idon't feel as emotionally damaged as before but my sexual function remains severely impaired."

According to the medical literature TCAs can also cause PSSD, Jwan's case is an example of this.

He was prescribed nortriptyline and amitriptyline to alleviate his IBS. However, despite stopping the meds a year ago his PSSD symptoms persist.

DISCOVER JWAN'S NEW JOURNEYS

"During my high school years at around age 15, I was struggling with IBS-D. I was referred to a gastroenterologist who recommended and prescribed nortriptyline, a tricyclic antidepressant like most other sufferers I was never informed of the potential side effects."

"I took the medicine up until last year at the age of 23 with minimal to no side effects. On a consultation call with my GP last February he said the medicine probably wasn’t aiding me anymore and was best to come off."

"He said as the British medical system were looking to discontinue the drug it would be best to switch me to another and ween off that instead."

"I was switched to amitriptyline, but I did not receive any guidance from the doctor on how to taper off the medication. As a result, I weaned myself off within one month."

"Soon after I developed genital numbness, I have not felt erogenous/pleasurable sensation for a year now. Along with that, severe erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, problems with libido/maintaining arousal, erectile tissue changes. The list is honestly endless."

"This has had an enormous impact on my wellbeing. For most people in this world, love and romantic relationships are key to wellbeing and happiness. It hurts to think that I have developed this before experiencing what true sexual pleasure feels like with a partner."

"Now I will possibly never know what true sexual pleasure feels like, I now struggle to imagine myself being able to be in a normal happy long-term relationship with this condition."

"Every person in this world should be allowed access to love and romance by way of human rights, I feel as if my human rights have been completely infringed upon by the medical system."

"If there’s one thing I’ve learned from this, it’s to be thankful and appreciate in the moment for what I do have because all of a sudden life really can change for the worst."

Thank you for reading my trauma dump, I've kept this to myself for years, I finally feel like I was ready to publicly express everything I went through.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Co-writer/Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by "Jwan Hoffler Conwall" (Model)
• MHMTID in collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See (UK)