The Voices In My Head (Chapter. 2)

Written by Andi Bazaar | Oct 1, 2022

“It’s no secret that I grew up in a home where I was loved, cared for and cheered on. For that reason, I never felt as though I was “allowed" by society’s standards to say that I struggled with my mental health at times.”

I thought that there was someone else who had it worse, in my mind they needed and deserved help but I needed to toughen up.

I was bullied through school like most boys, I struggled with my body image and I felt like I wasn’t enough. I resorted to fads/body shaming excluding myself from social activities and isolation because I didn’t like who or what I saw in the mirror but in my mind there was always someone who had it worse.

So I let that very mean little voice in my head grow bigger and it took until last year (2019).

If I have one message it’s this:
"you are way too important to wait, you have way too much value to wonder if you should be able to ask for help. you are allowed to take a break and let yourself feel your feelings. It’s okay not to be okay sometimes."

***
This is for free mental health corner, several people have asked me "what does therapy do, even and why should I go?"

Because our society almost never discusses mental health maintenance (only crises) here is a short thread on what therapy is like, in case you have considered it.

First, while I had friends who had therapists, I didn't think therapy would do anything for me. I didn't have anything "big" I needed to deal with, thought I was was a fully together person, etc. Yoga, meditation etc were my jam.

It was grief that finally made me want to see if therapy could help, because grief is intense and heavy. I was feeling it in all of my days, this is often the way it works: it takes a "crisis" before someone goes to a therapist or counselor.

The first job was finding a good therapist, what I learned? Pick someone that you would normally comfortably talk to, I briefly had a male therapist but "mansplaining." A much older woman made me feel patronized through a friend’s referral so I picked a Millennial/Xennial woman.

If you are a person of color, it is usually highly beneficial to narrow the field to therapists who are also Black/POC it makes a world of difference when you don't have to explain cultural (or gender) differences.

So once I picked a therapist I expected to "interview" several but got lucky on the first try I scheduled a consult, this is a 15 to 30 minute session where you lay out some of your concerns and ask the therapist about their style to see if you're a good fit.

It was a good fit! I asked her what style of therapy she favored (a range, but she focuses on attachment theory because she is a family therapist), I asked her how much spirituality came into her thinking (because I like yoga and meditation) and we scheduled our first session.

So what do you do in the sessions? It depends on what kind of therapy you pick.

Some people go for Freudian analysis which takes years of talking, this was absolutely not for me. I did not want a lifelong commitment and I also wanted better results; Freudian analysis is spotty!

Other kinds of therapy include cognitive-behavioral therapy which focuses on changing specific habits, this would be good for OCD or conditions like depression or anxiety according to experts.

There is attachment-theory therapy which I love because:

• it informs you that the things you thought were "just life" are actually traumas that continue to limit your behavior.
• it traces back all these things to the root experience so you can heal it.

So, do you just talk? Sometimes! A lot of people think therapy is "talking about your problems" but it's really about talking about yr *reactions.* You find out that your reaction to something today may be because of something that happened in 3rd grade or your first relationship.

The therapist listens and asks questions to guide you to your own realizations, mostly if a therapist says "do this," or "here's your problem" or brings a lot of judgment into it, that's bad therapy. Ideally it will be "socratic" thru Q's you will reach your own realizations.

Then in the best therapy, after you are made aware of those original traumas you work on healing them. Sometimes you have "homework," which is things to think about or lists to make, sometimes you "re-parent" yourself where authority figures failed you.

How much you share in therapy is up to you, some people try to hold back or evade their therapists' questions but I find that counterproductive. I'm paying for the session so I'm going to give her everything she needs to help me but traumas are also hard to discuss so "pacing."

I have no experience with psychiatry but many conditions require meds, meds can be absolutely essential for people with those conditions. Do not shame people for taking meds.

So back to the sessions, each week will bring some reaction that will point to an old trauma you need to heal like when you get angry? That's about trauma usually. (also anger almost always covers other "unacceptable" emotions like sadness or rejection.)

A big part of the work of therapy is to become more self-aware by learning to identify your emotions as they're happening, you know the butterfly meme? "Is this....sadness?" / "Is this...abandonment?" etc, by recognizing them you process them so they don't fester.

And then another part of the work is recognizing and healing trauma which sits in the body, one surprising thing I learned is that almost everyone really is "traumatized." — I'm convinced all men are traumatized. (neglect, control, gaslighting etc).

And then rinse repeat as you release more and more traumas and old programming, it's like clearing out a house before moving. As you address each trauma over time you become more liberated and you see life differently you breathe differently.

A few notes here:
It takes shopping around sometimes to find a good therapist, you'll know when you have a good one because you'll feel yourself growing. Also, some people prefer group therap that's effective for alcoholism etc.

Everyone has a different approach to therapy, mine is (let’s clear out each thing that’s been holding us back or making us think the world is smaller than it is.)

A couple of more things, what's the purpose of therapy?

• To make better choices that help you feel safe, happy, secure.
• To understand your own backstory, what got you here. you know how you love that with TV characters? Do it for your own circumstances and motivations.

Most importantly, "is therapy worth it?" Good therapy is, absolutely. It will help you form stronger, more loving relationships. It will help you feel calmer when the world is wild, it will clear your mind so you can be more creative.

More importantly, good therapy will help you break patterns. Do you find yourself in the same negative situations over and over again? That's your wounds choosing ways to force you to pay attention to them.

Heal the wounds and you can move on to more positive situations, if you are a high-achieving professional type, it is tempting to think that you are not traumatized or that if you were, it just made you independent and strong.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In collaboration with “Hugo-licharre Freimann”