The Realities Of Humanity
Written by Andi Bazaar | Aug 26, 2022
As long as there are standards of "normalcy" people who don't fit that arbitrary reality with be othered or marginalized until society structurally or systemically normalizes the realities of humanity being a non-linear spectrum, oppression will thrive. "Normalcy" = Toxic
Since a lot of people in my DM’s are being incredibly bothered telling me "masculinity isn’t toxic" here’s a little article I wrote with one of my favourite journalist Clayton Euridicé Schofield on "toxic masculinity and why it shouldn’t have a place in our society."
Let’s start with the "term toxic masculinity" as a lot of people seem to misundestand the concept: toxic masculinity is a lot more exaggerated and narrow than masculinity and it creates the feeling that men should always act with aggression both in every day life and sexually and should not show any emotions besides anger.
There are more complications that come with the concept of toxic masculinity but that’s the general simplified idea, not only this but it also creates a very clear line between what men and women should and shouldnt be doing.
We live in a world where society as a whole tends to perceive men who put their emotions on display as weak and makes fun of men who won’t say silent about their past with abuse because “men can’t get abused”
Toxic masculinity is a big factor in the way these situations are handled as according to toxic masculinity these things aren’t something men should be doing because “only women should portay their emotions" when in fact neither situations make a man any less of a “real” men if anything it only empowers them by going against society’s norms.
Toxic masculinity really only ads to and exaggerates the already existing gender norms and makes it more difficult for men who don’t fit into this stereotype to perceive themselves as a “real man” and come to terms with who they are because they can’t fully express themselves without getting attacked and harrasser by men who do behave with toxic masculinity.
Society as a whole should change the way they see what a man or a woman or any person for that matter should be and let people be who they wanna be whether it be masculine or feminine.
Again, I'm not saying "all men engage" in toxic masculinity. What I am saying is that’s a big problem that often goes unnoticed because of the already existing norms and stereotypes regarding gender, we should all take notes and we can all learn from others.
As long as there are standards of "normalcy" people who don’t fit that arbitrary reality with be othered or marginalized until society structurally or systemically normalizes the realities of humanity being a non-linear spectrum, oppression will thrive. "Normalcy" = Toxic!
This limited view of humanity much of it based in dichotomies is the root of oppression:
- White/Black-racism
- Man/woman-genderism
- Adult/child-childism
- NT/ND-ableism
- Straight/Gay-homophobia, etc
With the 1st word being valued of the 2, people fear freedom diversity.
People conflate freedom with lack of rules, decreased morality, etc which simply isn't true. The spectrum of lived experiences or humanity has always existed but has simply been erased by those in power mainly via religion.
"respect, diversity, freedom of being can exist with morality."
Individuality can co-exist with community, the full spectrum of human experiences can be honored without oppression. Laws will still exist, accountability can be centered and people can live without systemic oppression. Both and not either/or humans have the capacity to evolve.
One of the many obvious benefits of getting out of the media or Twitter bubble and talking to real people is that you get a much more accurate view of how real people are thinking, so this week Dr Oliver Schofield spoken with hundreds of teenagers and over 100 parents across U.S. & U.K. and hot topic was fear around the male or female interface in light of #MeToo
One woman, a mother of sons said this and it genuinely made me well up: "are today’s and tomorrow’s boys going to made to pay for the sins of their forefathers?" — She told me how she saw her son retreating, he was afraid.
She said the constant bad news stories about how powerful men have misbehaved is making teen boys terrified, they believe they are part of some problem when they've never meant any harm. They believe the message all men are capable of evil, this is devastating for young men.
The point is, this constant media barrage has an affect. We are in a constant attack phase on masculinity and many young men are in retreat, these are good boys from good homes and it kind of breaks my heart.
- how do we turn this around?
- how do we make young men feel they can be part of the solution, not be born part of the problem by dint of their very maleness?
- how do we talk to them on their terms without shaming and blaming and before we lose them?
Finally, at the other end of the scale in a Category A jail the other week. I listened to a prisoner read a poem he'd written about "toxic masculinity." — he'd never hear it before but looked it up, he knew he'd done wrong in life and is rehabilitating. He told how he felt society genuinely hates men, just for being men. He said that if that was the way of the outside world, maybe he'd be better off in here. He said he felt no better than an insect, it was hard not to be moved.
This message that men are intrinsically toxic by curse of birthright, has travelled into schools, jails, workplaces into every corner of the U.S. & U.K. "Precisely who wins and how do we fight back?" Please help me, sometimes it feels fucking lonely out here!
INTRODUCING: “HUGO-LICHARRE FREIMANN”
Something that we don’t talk about a lot in the community is "our own internalised homophobia."
I know it can take many forms but I wanted to share some of the ways it rears its ugly head for me particularly in my work with history, museums and working with young people.
When I first started working in a major museum, I can remember worrying that the work I was doing looking at LGBTQIA+ people’s stories in the collection was not "Legitimate."
I used to worry that maybe I was just making things up, seeing things that weren’t there. To this day I still have a shadow-self that will question the validity of all of my work in queer history, as violently as any dailymail article. I have internalised the belief that queer people are a fiction even as I passionately try to spread the word that we aren’t!
When I find a piece of research, follow a set of evidence, develop a narrative that is non-heteronormative, there is still a voice that says; "Hugo love, are you making this up? Are you just seeing what you want to see?"
“I wonder if other queer academics feel the same?”
When talking with Cis-heterosexual academics even those who are allies or well meaning, it can result in me crumbling under even slight pressure. Immediately agreeing with them "Yes you're right, they probably were just mates silly me. Sorry."
I cringe at the fact I do this, the other thing I struggle with is an ingrained concern of working with young people and children. Fed on a steady diet of Gay meaning "hypersexual 18+ XXX after dark with a glass of red wine means I have internalised the idea that queer means 'not appropriate for kids."
Brief non-academia tangent:
“I cannot tell you how angry this makes me, I am a father. I feel weird hugging my son, my own son. I don’t think I can ever forgive society for this.”
Anyway, I used to be the family programme producer at TNM Museum and the first time I ran a workshop on LGBTQIA+ history for young people I sincerely thought someone would jump out of a cabinet and call me a paedophile!
To this day when I work on a project with young people (even though it is always entirely appropriate and very carefully thought through) I still have a voice that says I’m a creepy gay man and I shouldn’t be allowed near vulnerable people. "Sick isn’t it?"
Anyway, I hoped to share some of those demons. I don’t know if they’ll ever go but talking about it helps, I don’t think I’m alone, in fact I know I’m not. If you feel comfortable, please share yours too.
*I also wanted to add that I imagine this is the same for other kinds of bigotry but didn't want to make assumptions.
A SPECIAL THANKS TO:
- Dr Oliver Schofield (Consulting)
- Dr Seth Gryffen (Consulting)
- Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
- Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
- Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
- Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan & Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
- Introducing: “Hugo-licharre Freimann”
