The Pathway of Surrender

Written by Andi Bazaar | July 16, 2023

"I understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love and the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values."

Relationships can be complicated and difficult but few people know that there are some pretty clear signals to know if a relationship is going to work or not. That’s why I wrote!

In our culture, many of us idealize love. The final solution for all of our pain and struggle and because we idealize love, we overestimate it.

“As a result, our relationships pay a price.”

When we believe that “all we need is love” we’re more likely to ignore fundamental values such as respect, humility and commitment towards the people we care about. After all, if love solves everything, then why bother with all the other stuff all of the hard stuff?

I understand that there are things more important in our lives and our relationships than simply being in love and the success of our relationships hinges on these deeper and more important values.

The problem with idealizing love is that it causes us to develop unrealistic expectations about what love actually is. Allow me to illustrate:

• Love does not equal compatibility.
• Love does not solve your relationship problems.
• Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself.

HERE’S THE BIG DEAL

“The only way you can fully enjoy the love in your life is to choose to make something else more important in your life than love."

• You can fall in love with people who are good for you and people who are bad for you.
• You can fall in love in healthy ways and unhealthy wayss.
• You can fall in love when you’re young and when you’re old.

"love is not unique, love is not special and love is not scarce."

Love is a wonderful experience, it’s one of the greatest experiences life has to offer and it is something everyone should aspire to feel and enjoy.

I WANT TO TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, SPECIFICALLY GREEN FLAGS

Noticing those green flags in another person can be an amazing feeling and allow us to trust the other person more, so what makes a relationship successful and healthy?

The main component is communication. When we feel safe opening up, it can help with so many things. Communication has two sides to it. First of all, we need to feel safe opening up to someone that means they won’t use it against us. Second, it is about being vulnerable.

Furthermore, communication is one of those skills that can be worked on even for people in relationships where communication is not where you want it to be, you can get there. It takes changing our habits and a lot of work, but it is definitely achievable.

For people who may have had trauma growing up, it can be hard to communicate even when it is a safe environment. If you are in that situation, please make sure to go to therapy and work on the underlying problems because that healthy communication can enhance a bond.

Another important part is respecting boundaries, we all have certain things we don’t like or feel comfortable doing. By not being pressured or guilted into breaking your boundaries, it shows that the other person respects us and doesn’t put their own needs above ours.

A joint interest in the other person’s activities, very few things feel more amazing than when the person we like takes interest in our hobbies/life even if it wasn’t an interest of theirs. They enjoy seeing the passion we have for where we like.

There is an agreement about the future, that means that you see life the same way whether that is wanting to have kids or no kids, living in a certain place, etc. Those big life goals are best agreed upon early on because it is hard to compromise on those.

A balance of give and take. Whether it is in friendships or relationships, we have to put a similar effort into it. If one person does more to make the relationship work, the other person will feel more burned out and less appreciated for their efforts.

Continuing to have a life of our own even after the relationship: it is important not to give up on our hobbies, friends/life when we meet someone else. A relationship should enhance and add to our life and not mean that we have to cut our individuality to fit the relationship.

A seal of approval from friends: unless your friends are very toxic, remember that they are there for you and notice green/red flags much better than you. Listening to their feedback is important because they have more of that objectivity than us when we are clouded by emotions.

Another important green flag is not getting into a relationship to feel a void within us. When we get into a relationship because we expect the other person to solve our loneliness or mental health, it puts a huge burden on the other person and it is also impossible.

Here we go! Those are some of my favourite green flags for a successful relationship, I hope that this part was informative.

LET’S TALK ABOUT LOVE BOMBING

I talked about it often in other "Q&A" (Live) on IG related to relationships/manipulation but it deserves its own thread because it happens more often than we think, it may not always be done with nefarious intent but it leads to harm down the road.

In this situation, we will define love bombing as unsustainable levels of affection, validation and resources that is given very early on in the course of a friendship or relationship but cannot be sustained long term because it is too intense.

There are two reasons why that may happen, the first one is something we discussed in previous threads where it is done to make the other person develop feelings quickly and become dependent on us. At that point, the love bombing can stop and manipulation/abuse start.

That makes it harder for the other person to leave even when the dynamic shifts because they keep hoping that the person who engaged in the love bombing will come back and that the manipulation/abuse that is happening now is purely transitory.

The second form of love bombing happens with people who have an anxious attachment style, they may feel so happy excited to have a new friend or partner that they will sacrifice themselves and their wellbeing to give everything they can to this new person.

It is also unsustainable because it is just impossible to maintain that level of commitment without sacrificing ourselves. However, love bombing will hurt people around us and this happens in two phases: the love bombing phase and the post love bombing phase.

In the love bombing phase, it is just impossible for the person on the receiving end of it to reciprocate. The person who engages in that extreme show of love is basically giving up everything for this new person to an unsustainable level.

It basically means that there is no space for the other person to put in effort and love of their own into this new friendship or relationship, it also sets too high of expectations because the other person may get used to that level of attention that is impossible to maintain.

Furthermore, because at its core love bombing means we sacrifice our boundaries and beliefs to satisfy the new person of interest. Once the regression happens to normal, the other person may feel like they don’t know us at all and that they are dealing with a different person.

In the second phase of post love bombing, a lot of conflict can arise. Love bombing whether intentional or not, has an expectation of reciprocity. In the intentional/nefarious one, that means total submission from the other person and if it doesn’t happen "abuse begins."

In the non-intentional one, we expect that love, sacrifice from the other person because we did it — so why can’t the other person do it too? But it is important to remember that the love bombing did not happen because the other person asked for it.

Conflict will generally follow most cases of love bombing because the friendship/relationship started imbalanced and it is difficult to rectify that while also working on expectations, healthy attachment and communication. It is important to remember that boundaries are crucial.

Whether it is in the love bombing or post stages, we don’t need to reciprocate something that we did not ask for even if we feel guilty because that other person did so much for us in the beginning, we have to maintain that stability and boundaries.

It is also okay to leave at any point if it turns out that it is not possible to communicate healthily with the other person or that the love bombing is now turning into manipulation and/or abuse, the person who existed during the love bombing stage is not who they really are.

Whether it is intentional or not, love bombing is simply not who we are because we sacrifice everything for the new person and we cannot set aside our values and identity forever for a new person. If you are someone who engages in love bombing on purpose or without realizing,

It is important to work on it in therapy and find out why you feel the need to sacrifice your identity for love and validation, getting to a place where you can establish a secure attachment will help with your friendships and relationships.

For the non-voluntary love bombing style, the people who display in it tend to be kids who had to go overboard to gain attention from their caregivers and do things outside of their comfort zone to gain attention and validation. So as adults, they replicate those dynamics.

The problem with a label such as love bombing is that there is such a huge stigma and negative connotation around it that we may be afraid to admit that we do it whether to a small or large extent and therefore can become a barrier for seeking treatment out of fear of judgment.

But there are solutions and a therapist is not here to judge you. The sooner you seek that treatment, the easier it will become and the more internal self-esteem you will gain, helping you realize that you don’t need to overextend yourself to have love and approval in life.

I hope that this part helped clarify what love bombing is, how it is separated in the "intentional (vs) non-intentional where it stems from and how we can recognize and treat.

Hope everyone is having an amazing week so far, lots of love x

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
  • Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
  • Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography)
  • Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
  • Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
  • Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
  • Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
  • Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
  • Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
  • Jwan Hofflér Conwall (Art Interior Design)
  • Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
  • Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
  • In appearance by "Andi Bazaar” (Model)