The Manuscript: “What Doesn’t Kill You?” (Chapter. II)

Written by Andi Bazaar, Oliver Schofield | May 24, 2024

In all our families/social circles, there are some people who are struggling with their mental health whether openly or trying to hide it especially when they feel the stigma for speaking up is too high.

If we feel that someone is withdrawn or their behaviour has changed, simply asking “how are you?” and “how can I help?” can help and shows that we are ready to offer support even though we trust someone that fear of losing them if we open up can keep us isolated. That’s why reaching out to help others can be life changing to someone else.

Zoning out is a sign that our mental health isn’t well, it means the chaos within our minds is so high that we can’t pay attention to what’s happening in our environment. If you feel yourself zoning out often, please go to therapy/doctor. It is so hard to function like that.

It can be incredibly stigmatizing to use mental health labels lightly. Depression isn’t when we are sad, stress isn’t anxiety and wanting things to be clean isn’t ADHD. Mental health issues are severe and impact every aspect of life, it incapacitates those who suffer a lot!

Procrastination isn’t a personal failing and doesn’t mean that we are not trying hard enough, it is because our mental health is struggling to the point that all our energy is taken up by our anxiety and depression to the point that there is very little left for anything else!

LET’S TALK ABOUT “OVERTHINKING”

It is one of the first symptoms that people experience when their mental health isn’t going well, overthinking can cover a wide range of patterns. We will break them down and talk about what we can do when we experience them.

In general, racing thoughts that feel like a cycle of worsening spirals are due to anxiety. We tend to become fearful of uncertainty/become indecisive because we don’t know what will lead to the best outcome, this type of overthinking can become paralyzing.

We may start to procrastinate or stop making decisions from fear that they will be wrong, depending on the severity of these thoughts we may need to get treatment with therapy, medication or a combination of both. However, if this isn’t possible we can try a few things.

The first way that we can start to behaviourally modify this pattern is limiting the time it takes to make a decision and just go for it. We can put a timer and by the time the timer ends, we pick an option. This is done to teach our minds that we don’t need to overthink it.

It also helps with reversing the perfectionism aspect of overthinking even if we end up making a less than ideal decision, it doesn’t mean that we have failed or that our life is “over”. Acceptance that mistakes can happen is a crucial element of recovering from this pattern.

We can start with lower stake decisions and build up to bigger ones as we gain more confidence in our ability to make decisions without overthinking them, another aspect of overthinking can be a lack of externalizing. We may be too busy with work/studies, being on our phones, etc.

When that happens, we don’t leave enough time to process our daily thoughts and emotions. Finally, as it gets too overwhelming, they tend to come out all at once which leads to us feeling overwhelmed and unable to operate because we are too anxious with all these racing thoughts.

The best solution here is to allow everyday half an hour or an hour without any distraction our mind to process the thoughts and emotions. We can write them down afterwards or talk about them, but giving ourselves room to process them will slow down the overthinking.

Replaying traumatic situations in our brains or even thinking about what we could have done in those situations can also be put under overthinking, but it is a type of thinking that is directly linked to a specific trauma because of the traumatic nature “treatment is important.”

We can externalize it and receive support for it, that will certainly help not to feel alone with that trauma, particularly if there are feelings of guilt or shame associated with it but it is going to be important to go to therapy for that trauma at some point.

With obsessive or intrusive thoughts, the overthinking happens because we are afraid of these thoughts because of the strong emotion that we associate with these thoughts, our brains will reactivate them often because the brain thinks that they are important.

The cycle repeats itself because they trigger such strong emotions, therefore making them more likely to come back. Breaking the pattern will come with breaking down the fear we have of these thoughts, it can take a while to work on that and realize that thoughts can’t harm us.

If they impact quality of life a lot or are associated with rituals or repetitive behaviours we do to cope with them, it could be OCD in which case it is important to go to therapy or start medication to start breaking the pattern.

In conclusion, overthinking can have multiple causes and impact us all differently. We can certainly start using the coping mechanisms I mentioned in this thread but depending on the severity, we may need to start treatment as soon as we can.

LET’S TALK ABOUT “PEOPLE PLEASING BEHAVIOURS”

This tendency for us to want to sacrifice our well-being for the benefit of others is deeply ingrained in us from a very young age, in a deliberate way. As adults, it can make it difficult to establish boundaries.

When we talk about people pleasing, it is to the point that saying the word “no” is so hard for us that we would rather suffer than displease someone even if we do not know them well. These behaviours are very much a control mechanism.

Even when we are young children, people around us tell us that our comfort zone doesn’t matter. Whether it is pressure to go “hugging” someone even though we don’t feel comfortable to our parents telling us that conforming is more important than feeling safe.

We are taught not to trust our own instincts and feelings towards others, pleasing adults around us becomes a priority and we can be punished if we resist in any way. This is even more common for women who are taught that being at the service of others is an important trait.

As adults, this makes it harder to establish boundaries. With peers, at work or even with our partners we behave as though our needs don’t matter or are not worth being expressed. We may know that we don’t want to do something or feel bad doing it, but feel unable to stop.

As soon as we try to establish boundaries or say “no” to something, we feel absolutely selfish even though the action warrants it completely even when it comes to important life decisions such as who to marry or where to live, we may feel guilty following what we want.

People pleasing is also a mechanism by which we try to get approval and validation because of the way it was ingrained in us, (meaning that we may only get validation or affection when we do what others want) we learn that affection is transactional.

This leads to us feeling as though saying “no” is a way to break down the relationship and end it, this can lead to a lot of anxiety and anxious attachment style with people around us. Consequently, we may go through bouts of burnout very often.

Unlearning these mechanisms take time and patience with ourselves, people pleasing is something that happened to us from the time we were very young. We have to be patient with ourselves in learning that saying “no” isn’t a form of selfishness or rejection.

Learning healthy boundaries and practicing them takes time. During that process, we may often guilty or selfish, despite these boundaries being perfectly normal. If we are experiencing difficulties in establishing boundaries, therapy can help us understand why it is happening.

For all people pleasers out there, please know that your needs are important. There will always be people who will not like it when we learn boundaries but protecting our mental health is important, saying “no” can feel counterintuitive at first but it is necessary to learn!

I hope that this part was helpful and I would like to thank Matthew Torre-luccá Schofield for suggesting that I write about this topic. Thank you for the suggestion, it is definitely a topic worth diving deep into.

LET’S TALK ABOUT “COPING”

It is a word that is used a lot when we refer to dealing with our mental health but it can be so vague and confusing for a lot of people, also what works for someone may not work for another person so let’s talk about coping in more details.

First, let’s get the definition out of the way. Coping is simply anything that we can use to deal with a difficult situation, there are healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms. The unhealthy ones can range from substance abuse to violence, too much social media, etc.

The reason why they work so well is because they truly can numb or make us forget for a little while the pain that we are experiencing with our mental health, in fact letting go of unhealthy coping mechanisms and adopting healthy ones can be so difficult.

The main issue is that healthy coping mechanisms don’t work as well in numbing our emotion in the short term and cannot make us forget the same way unhealthy ones do, it is easier to smoke weed and numb ourselves for the night than journal or do deep breathing.

What are healthy coping mechanisms and what should be our expectations when it comes to the help they can provide? The biggest misconception about coping mechanisms is that they should make us feel close to 100% better, but that’s not the reality. It isn’t possible.

There is also the expectation that they should work right away. However, they can take a while to get used to them and the more we practice them, the better the results they provide. Those two misconceptions are the biggest reasons why many people give up on them easily.

Furthermore, coping mechanisms are not supposed to cure the underlying depression, anxiety, trauma, etc. Their purpose is to help us deal with the worst of the symptoms when we are going through them, they can help us deal with the complex emotions and symptoms we experience.

What are some examples of good coping mechanisms that I can recommend trying? Anything related to mindfulness is quite good, such as deep breathing, meditation, progressive muscle relaxation. There are so many amazing videos on YouTube to guide us through that process.

Mindfulness is also easy in the sense that it does not require a lot of energy or concentration to do, other examples of healthy coping mechanisms can be journaling, talking out loud about everything we are experiencing or thoughts we are having even if we are alone.

Generally, externalizing those emotions can help even if it is not 100%. For anger, hitting a pillow, yelling into a pillow or under water (if we are worried about being heard) can be so helpful. Anger is an emotion that gives us energy and these can be great releases.

Generally, activities such as walking or even exercise (if we can) can be helpful in dealing with emotions in the short term too. Art and music can also be amazing outlets that are severely underrated in their capacity to help us cope but they may not easy in times of crises.

Reaching out and getting support is also a good coping mechanism, as long as the people trying to help us aren’t taking control or judging us for what we are going through. It is up to the person who is getting the help to see whether it is helping or not.

Please keep in mind they are not solutions or cures but with a bit of practice, they can help take the edge off those strong emotions we experience when we are feeling that depression, anxiety, loneliness, etc. I hope that this part was able to provide some guidance.

There isn’t a one way to approach recovery or even self-care, what works for one person may seem like a chore for another. I often see people try something until burnout because it worked for someone else rather than experiment with different methods to see what works for them.

It is completely alright to go to therapy or take meds for our mental health without sharing the news with people around us including family if it is not a supportive environment, it is a personal journey of recovery and something that we are allowed to keep private.

A big casualty of seeing people burned out around us is our mental health, we feel that we shouldn’t seek help for fear of disturbing our loved ones. Isolation (even emotionally) can worsen our mental health and keep us in that cycle. Seeking help is the first step to recovery.

A key protective factor for our recovery when it comes to mental health is not being isolated, whether it is family, friends even if they are just online are important. Breaking that isolation barrier and having people we can trust and be vulnerable with is an essentiel step!

I wanted to take a moment to write a small thread about recovery, specifically the early signs of recovery. This is because even when we start to recover from issues related to our mental health, we don’t notice them and may not realize that we are on the right path.

When we are at the bottom even small improvements may not register because our mental lens is still focused on all the “bad” that is happening. However, there are some general signs that happen for almost everyone when their recovery starts. For example, we may be slightly more active, a slightly better sleep, appetite or energy. We can start being a little more productive even if it is just 5 minutes more a day.

“One of the most important signs is increase in self-care, when that increase in quantity and quality of self-care appears, it is a huge sign.”

This is because mental health issues shatter our self-esteem but an organic increase in self-care shows that we think we are worth it and increases as our recovery picks up, another one is when we socialize more. Damages to our mental health include withdrawal from our loved ones, so any increase in social behaviour is a sign of recovery. Please take a moment and introspect on these, whether there has been an increase in them.

While emotions may still be in disarray or it may feel the same, some signs of recovery can go unnoticed. However, it is important to recognize and start to shift that lens from “I am very sick” to “the recovery is starting”. That would help speed up the process even further, continue your efforts for recovery, you are all worth it.

Let’s talk about dating/relationship when we experience mental health issues, there are so many conflicting recommendations ranging from not dating at all until we recover to family saying that the relationship would fix the issues neither of which are true.

There are a few problems that can arise when we try to date while going through depression/anxiety/trauma, the first pitfall is thinking that the relationship will save us. This is bound to lead to an unhealthy relationship because no external person can fix internal issues.

We can’t get into a relationship to fix loneliness or feelings of inadequacy we may have, that’s also a lot of pressure and expectations that the person we may date has to go through which is also not fair for them. The treatment of our symptoms cannot come from a relationship.

Furthermore, given that the defining feature of most mental health issues is a big lack of self-worth and self-esteem, we can be more likely to settle and to seek more validation, meaning attracting people who can prey on vulnerability, starting a toxic cycle.

The reason why love bombing followed by abusive behaviours is so common is because the initial love bombing preys on the vulnerability of the person, leading to a quick attachment. Once that attachment is reached and it becomes harder to leave, the abuse starts.

Furthermore, given that our self-esteem is already low when our mental health is not well and can get even lower in a toxic relationship, we may start to experience as though the relationship is all we have left, making us stay in an abusive situation simply to avoid loneliness.

Ideally, whether we are looking to date or feeling as though we are not ready yet – the key is going to be recovery. That recovery may look different for each person and may need many tools such as meds/therapy/moving out of our family’s home, etc.

That process will allow us to rebuild our self-esteem from within and make sure that we are careful and take our time to meet someone new and develop that attachment. Usually, it can take 6 months to truly know someone and know whether they are who they say they are.

Let’s remember that the beginning of the relationship is when everyone is on their best behaviour, it is easier at that point to put on a mask and pretend to be someone the person may not be but as time goes by cracks start to form into that mask to our surprise.

I had many sessions where a client mentions having the ideal relationship in the first few months and all of a sudden, the mask falls off and the person they are dating starts becoming angry/abusive. This is because the more we know someone, the more the mask will dissipate.

So besides or on top of treatment, what are some other things we can do to be careful about these traps? The first and foremost one is to realize that the relationship will not fix our mental health at all even if it is the most amazing person on the planet.

Mental health issues happen within ourselves and are fixed by treating these symptoms, another important point is not to rush the initial stage of the relationship. Those first 6 months are very important in getting to truly know the person and take a look at our compatibility.

• We need to remember that the person we tend to see at the beginning is the best version of them, it can only get worse from here. When we take our time, we assess whether that person is similar or completely different from they pretended to be.
• We want to make sure that we actually fall in love with the real person and not the persona they may have displayed at the beginning of the dating experience, the other important point will be to notice red flags and not find excuses for them.

We try to rationalize red flags because “they had a hard day”, ”they are grieving”, etc. None of these hard life experiences are excuses to abuse someone, they are not correlated at all. If they are abusive or extremely angry during these times, they will be at other times. too.

It is also important to remember that a relationship is a stressor, it is an added person we have to think about, worry about and maintain in our already exhausted state of mind. The honeymoon phase while amazing, does not last. If that’s what we are after, we are bound to fail.

We should not bow to society pressure or parental pressure, despite what they may say, there is no expiry date for love or marriage. Plenty of people find amazing partners and live their best relationship life in their 30s/40s and beyond, setting a timeline is counterproductive.

Finding love/the right relationship isn’t something we can force, we have to embrace other aspects of our life and recovery and love will find a way to shine through. The harder we try, the worse it can become because we are putting all our self-esteem on a relationship.

In conclusion, while it is okay to date and enter relationships when our mental health is not doing well in many cases we also have to remember the traps of engaging in these dates and take steps back to identify red flags and signs of abuse.

I hope that this chapter has been able to help you all assess the dangers of dating in a vulnerable state and what we can do to make sure it does not worsen our conditions. Love x

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director of Photography)
• dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
• dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• dr Khaan, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publicist)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharré Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by “Gregory O’Connor Jr” (Model)
• In collaboration with “The Me You Can’t See UK” (TMYCSUK) / @tmycsuk