The Manuscript: “Outrun My Desertion” (Chapter. III)

Written by Andi Bazaar, Yevhn Gertz | May 31, 2024

“Our mental health suffering doesn’t make us act abusive towards people, while some may say that they are that way because of their depression/anxiety the reality is that it is something completely separate. Blaming it on mental health is a way to avoid accountability.”

Learning to read people’s moods and body language constantly stems from trauma, we often had to do that to learn how to operate with a parent from a young age because it was a survival mechanism. That hypervigilance extends to friendships and relationships as adults!

It is easy to replicate dynamics that we had with parents into our relationships. For example, lying to avoid trouble/trying to gain approval by any means necessary, etc. It is important to work on these attachment styles that formed as kids but impact our adult relationships.

Emotional manipulation can take many forms, there are people who will use their own families or create a problem to bring someone back into a toxic relationship knowing that the other person may feel guilty and use their empathy to manipulate them. It is important to be careful.

• There are many people (especially men in general) who will absolutely take advantage of vulnerability in attachment and mental health to love bomb and promise many things, after that they completely switch their behaviour and become abusive. It becomes difficult to leave.
• The reason being is that the people in that relationship still feel like the real person was the one early on and are waiting for that “person” to come back even though that was just a mask that they were wearing for the purpose of manipulation.

By the time the realization hits, there may be already be difficulties because there is the feeling that we can help the abuser or that we invested so much in the relationship already. However, it is important to get help in any way possible and leave for our own safety.

Sometimes, we may have a hard time cutting off a toxic person because they are a family member or a caregiver. In those scenarios, it is important to ask ourselves, what is the best relationship I can have with this person while maintaining my well-being. The answer can be:

Just calling them once in a while or only talking about certain topics. If they start their toxic behaviours, we may need to step away from the situation or keep our distance. Accepting that them changing is highly unlikely and protecting ourselves becomes the priority.

⚠️ TW: Manipulation / Partner Abuse ⚠️

While going over my notes for cases in the last year, I noticed a disturbing trend. There are many cases where, intentionally the guy (mostly) pretends to be open minded/ally as a way to create love then become abusive.

It usually starts with love bombing, aligning their goals with the person they are pursuing, making sure to mention that they are different from other guys. They are not looking for traditional values that many women don’t want anymore, the first few months are usually perfect.

They are romantic, attentive, validating and offer something closely resembling unconditional love. They escalate the relationship to “serious” status as soon as they can, once the other person is in love with this “perfect” relationship changes are usually drastic.

The whole façade is dropped pretty much suddenly. The gaslighting, abusive behaviour and trying to change their partner into someone else starts. This usually starts within 4–6 months of the relationship. However by that point, it is already difficult to leave.

The person who has been manipulated into the relationship has already developed deep feelings, they may feel as though this is temporary and that the person they met at the beginning is going to come back that they are just going through a tough time.

This usually leads to a huge breakdown of mental health from trauma, to depression/anxiety and isolation because of a huge breakdown of self-esteem even though there is the realization that the relationship is at the core of those problems, it is still hard to leave.

The love bombing at the beginning worked well and it was very much planned. In our culture, we crave a lot that validation and unconditional love that we may not have received growing up. It is easy to be mesmerized and manufacture deep love in someone else early on.

It is important to recognize the signs early on, usually when someone is pretending to another person they can’t maintain it for too long and there will be cracks in the mask we can see. They may lash out and then quickly apologize.

You may have an ex or friend of theirs reaching out to warn you, he may have ready explanations for all of it but please it is important to believe the people who went through it before you. They are trying to keep you away from a lot of pain and it doesn’t stem from jealousy.

It is also important for the relationship to slow down and not agree for it to become serious until the first 6 months. For the most part, that mask of the different person cannot be sustained longer than that. Usually, it will even drop-off way before that.

They will also seek to isolate you from your social circle, they may create issues/drive a wedge between you and your friends. Your friends don’t have emotions for the abuser and can see that manipulation more clearly. If we are isolated, it is easier for the abuse to continue.

Ultimately, it is about realizing this pattern that is becoming increasingly intentional and weaponized. This is the first time I am seeing it in such a large scale and it is almost a playbook at this point, please be careful. Healthy relationships take time to develop!

If it feels rushed, that there is too much love bombing early on and that things just work out too well in terms of all the goals aligning, etc. it may be too good to be true, taking it slow those first 6 months is crucial.

LET’S TALK ABOUT “LOVE BOMBING”

I talked about it often in other story related to relationships/manipulation but it deserves its own part because it happens more often than we think, it may not always be done with nefarious intent but it leads to harm down the road.

In this situation, we will define love bombing as unsustainable levels of affection, validation and resources that is given very early on in the course of a friendship or relationship but cannot be sustained long term because it is too intense.

There are two reasons why that may happen, the first one is something we discussed in previous threads where it is done to make the other person develop feelings quickly and become dependent on us. At that point, the love bombing can stop and manipulation/abuse start.

That makes it harder for the other person to leave even when the dynamic shifts because they keep hoping that the person who engaged in the love bombing will come back and that the manipulation/abuse that is happening now is purely transitory.

The second form of love bombing happens with people who have an anxious attachment style, they may feel so happy excited to have a new friend or partner that they will sacrifice themselves and their wellbeing to give everything they can to this new person.

It is also unsustainable because it is just impossible to maintain that level of commitment without sacrificing ourselves. However, love bombing will hurt people around us and this happens in two phases: (the love bombing phase and the post love bombing phase.)

In the love bombing phase, it is just impossible for the person on the receiving end of it to reciprocate. The person who engages in that extreme show of love is basically giving up everything for this new person to an unsustainable level.

It basically means that there is no space for the other person to put in effort and love of their own into this new friendship or relationship, it also sets too high of expectations because the other person may get used to that level of attention that is impossible to maintain.

Furthermore, because at its core love bombing means we sacrifice our boundaries and beliefs to satisfy the new person of interest – once the regression happens to normal, the other person may feel like they don’t know us at all and that they are dealing with a different person.

In the second phase of post love bombing, a lot of conflict can arise. Love bombing whether intentional or not, has an expectation of reciprocity. In the intentional/nefarious one, that means total submission from the other person and if it doesn’t happen “abuse begins.”

In the non-intentional one, we expect that love, sacrifice from the other person because we did it. So, why can’t the other person do it too? But it is important to remember that the love bombing did not happen because the other person asked for it.

Conflict will generally follow most cases of love bombing because the friendship/relationship started imbalanced and it is difficult to rectify that while also working on expectations, healthy attachment and communication. It is important to remember that boundaries are crucial.

Whether it is in the love bombing or post stages, we don’t need to reciprocate something that we did not ask for even if we feel guilty because that other person did so much for us in the beginning we have to maintain that stability and boundaries.

It is also okay to leave at any point if it turns out that it is not possible to communicate healthily with the other person or that the love bombing is now turning into manipulation and/or abuse, the person who existed during the love bombing stage is not who they really are.

Whether it is intentional or not, love bombing is simply not who we are because we sacrifice everything for the new person and we cannot set aside our values and identity forever for a new person. If you are someone who engages in love bombing on purpose or without realizing,

It is important to work on it in therapy and find out why you feel the need to sacrifice your identity for love and validation, getting to a place where you can establish a secure attachment will help with your friendships and relationships.

For the non-voluntary love bombing style, the people who display in it tend to be kids who had to go overboard to gain attention from their caregivers and do things outside of their comfort zone to gain attention and validation. So as adults, they replicate those dynamics.

The problem with a label such as love bombing is that there is such a huge stigma and negative connotation around it that we may be afraid to admit that we do it whether to a small or large extent and therefore can become a barrier for seeking treatment out of fear of judgment.

But there are solutions and a therapist is not here to judge you, the sooner you seek that treatment, the easier it will become and the more internal self-esteem you will gain, helping you realize that you don’t need to overextend yourself to have love and approval in life.

I hope that this part helped clarify what love bombing is, how it is separated in the intentional (vs) non-intentional where it stems from and how we can recognize and treat.

Noticing those green flags in another person can be an amazing feeling and allow us to trust the other person more, so what makes a relationship successful and healthy?

The main component is communication. When we feel safe opening up, it can help with so many things. Communication has two sides to it, first of all we need to feel safe opening up to someone. That means they won’t use it against us. Second, it is about being vulnerable.

Furthermore, communication is one of those skills that can be worked on even for people in relationships where communication is not where you want it to be, you can get there. It takes changing our habits and a lot of work, but it is definitely achievable.

For people who may have had trauma growing up, it can be hard to communicate even when it is a safe environment. If you are in that situation, please make sure to go to therapy and work on the underlying problems because that healthy communication can enhance a bond.

Another important part is respecting boundaries, we all have certain things we don’t like or feel comfortable doing. By not being pressured or guilted into breaking your boundaries, it shows that the other person respects us and doesn’t put their own needs above ours.

A joint interest in the other person’s activities, very few things feel more amazing than when the person we like takes interest in our hobbies/life even if it wasn’t an interest of theirs. They enjoy seeing the passion we have for where we like.

There is an agreement about the future that means that you see life the same way, whether that is wanting to have kids or no kids, living in a certain place, etc. Those big life goals are best agreed upon early on because it is hard to compromise on those.

A balance of give and take, whether it is in friendships or relationships, we have to put a similar effort into it. If one person does more to make the relationship work, the other person will feel more burned out and less appreciated for their efforts.

Continuing to have a life of our own even after the relationship: (it is important not to give up on our hobbies, friends/life when we meet someone else.) A relationship should enhance and add to our life and not mean that we have to cut our individuality to fit the relationship.

A seal of approval from friends: (unless your friends are very toxic, remember that they are there for you and notice green/red flags much better than you.) Listening to their feedback is important because they have more of that objectivity than us when we are clouded by emotions.

Another important green flag is not getting into a relationship to feel a void within us. When we get into a relationship because we expect the other person to solve our loneliness or mental health, it puts a huge burden on the other person and it is also impossible.

Here we go, those are some of my favourite green flags for a successful relationship. I hope that this part was informative.

Please don’t rush the early stages of a relationship, it is an important time to truly get to know the other person. People who may be narcissistic/abusive rush the early period of dating and love bomb before their mask drops so that it makes it harder for the person to leave.

There is such a thing as “kind” abuse where someone may not get mad or abusive in the more obvious sense but what they say or do is harmful to our self-esteem, where they break boundaries on purpose and constantly make sure that we feel worse. This can be so hard to notice!

We may even feel that we are the ones who are problematic because we react to it and made to feel worse when we resist or display emotions to that form of abuse, support from loved ones or friends can also be non existent because they may have a hard time understanding!

It is not wrong to lie, hide things or do what it takes to escape an abusive situation and is not something that any person trying to save themselves should feel guilty about. It is an uphill battle to leave even in the most open societies, and even harder in our countries!

Getting into a relationship with the intention to fix someone, especially their abusive tendencies results in the abuser being emboldened to continue their behaviour without fearing any consequences. Please be careful and look after yourself first, I see these examples so often!

Reminder

“Our mental health suffering doesn’t make us act abusive towards people, while some may say that they are that way because of their depression/anxiety the reality is that it is something completely separate. Blaming it on mental health is a way to avoid accountability.”

Finding Support

If you or someone you know needs support, there is help. You are not alone. Below you can find information and resources on how to get help.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)

Free, confidential, 24/7 help is available. Call 1–800–656–4673 or visit online.rainn.org to chat with a support specialist.

Crisis Text Line

If you are in crisis, text CONVO to 741741 in the US for free, confidential, 24/7, support.

TrevorLifeline

The Trevor Project’s free and confidential phone support for LGBTQIA+ youth is available 24/7.

• Call 1 (866) 488–7386
• Abuse Hotline for MEN: 876–553–0387 / 888–777–8328
• Suicide Prevention Hotline: 888–639–5433
• Choose Life Hotline (24hrs): 876–920–7924
• Rise Life Management Serv. 876–967–3778 / 888–991–4146

If you are having suicidal thoughts, free and confidential support is available:

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1–800–273–8255

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director of Photography/Co-writer)
• dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• dr Khaan, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publicist)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharré Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by “Hugo-licharré Freimann” (Model)
• In collaboration with “The Me You Can’t See UK” (TMYCSUK) / The Me: You Can’t See