Society Doesn’t Give a F*ck!

Written by Yevhn Gertz, Andi Bazaar | Oct 20, 2023

"I have seen people saying that those who are homophobic, racist, etc have mental illnesses. Stop that! Not only does it stigmatize people with mental illness but it also removes responsibility from those who engage in those acts, if you are racist it is all on you bud!!!"

So many of us question ourselves when we have depression and anxiety, we think we may be exaggerating or faking it even when it deeply affects our quality of life. We internalize that gaslighting from parents and society to the point that we fight ourselves for that validity.

We praise people for their resilience and how they pulled themselves out of their trauma/depression/anxiety, but we need to stop and ask ourselves whether this was necessary. By having better parents, support system or a safer society this resilience wouldn’t even be needed.

When you see people who have gone through a lot and persevered, it also means that they have gone through really hard times and while sometimes it is inevitable — most of the time it can easily be prevented. So many systems that seek to continue this status quo have to be replaced

"most of society’s problems would be solved with just more empathy and less immediate judgment without all the info. i am sure of that."

Each suicide that happens on this planet is a failure of society and directly on the institutions in place, to die from something treatable because we don’t have anything in place to lessen the cracks in mental health treatment is on all countries worldwide.

Q's:
- why should someone be forced to live if they don't want too, at times its not mental health but a broken heart?

A's:
- if you are referring to assisted end of life situations where there is no hope of recovery or terminal to avoid pain, then yes i completely agree but if we are talking about broken heart as in mental health it is purely because there are so many treatments — it is not hopeless.

For those who have studied psychology or have read about it, you have probably noticed that for certain mental health disorders, women suffer from them at higher rates than men but there is often little explanation about why. For example: eating disorders, depression and borderline personality disorder.

It is not that women have a higher likelihood to suffer from these biologically, it is because women are taught early on that certain emotions are not “laydylike” to display such as anger, screaming and other forms of externalizing. This causes the repression of these emotions that come out in those disorders.

They are purely disorders of a lack of externalizing certain emotions, whereas men are encouraged to externalize their anger and stand up for themselves which is why it is more likely that they will diagnosed with disorders of inappropriate externalizing such as "Oppositional Defiant Disorder."

The important thing to take away is that the root cause may be the same but because of how society encourages different behaviours from men and women, the way that they are displayed are different. Rather than focusing on the label and the disorder itself, we need to realize that we need to shift how we raise children.

We need to teach boys to externalize in healthier ways that don’t involve violence and for women to externalize more their anger because what we see here are two extremes from different ends of the spectrum. When we get lost in those labels or simply mention gender differences in disorders, we are not getting the full explanation about why that happens.

"For every experience of abuse of any kind that comes to light, more than a dozen are silent, despite having evidence. From being scared of being the target of family or society, to safety concerns, there are just so many who can’t come forward. These things are way more prevalent than we can ever believe or imagine. Whenever I start to think that society (and men) are learning, I am shocked by what happens behind the scenes."

One of the most frustrating by product of the society we live in is that we are taught to tie our self-esteem with external factors, whether it is education, what contributions we make to a group or our families.

I often hear from parents in sessions:
- “why should they feel good about themselves? they don’t do chores and their marks are low."

We tend to forget that self-esteem has nothing to do with what we can do for others, our intelligence or work ability. It is an internal process that is unconditional then we have adults who hate themselves and burnout because their job performance dipped or their marks got lower. A normal process (we all burnout from time to time) turns into a mental health crisis that shatters our self-esteem.

I want to take a moment to talk about something that seems harmless on the surface but that can be harmful when it comes to mental health and that is the so called power of “positive thinking” — you probably have seen it.

It is offered as a remedy to alleviate symptoms of mental health issues and looks simple by design, all you have to do is think positive thoughts and eventually you will feel better. So, let’s break it down and show why that is not the case at all. Let’s start with thoughts.

It is estimated that we get tens of thousands of thoughts a day, most of those thoughts are automatic thoughts. That means that they are repetitive thoughts that we get, in someone who struggles with their mental health.

Most of those thoughts are going to be negative even for people who don’t suffer from mental health issues, it is estimated that as many as 80% of thoughts are negative.

"how can you possibly counter or replace tens of thousands of thoughts a day from negative to positive?" — that’s not even remotely possible.

Furthermore, it sets people suffering from mental health issues for failure. By telling them to simply think positively, you can make them feel worse because they seemingly fail at achieving such a “simple” task on the surface and that can actually just worsen their mental health.

Another important thing to point out is that mental health is not just thoughts, it is a set of different circumstances and issues aligning to create mental illness. It is behaviours, thoughts, environmental circumstances and so on. It is not possible to solve mental illness by minimizing it and offering a simple solution.

That’s just not how it works. Also, positive thinking is counterintuitive when we look at our evolution. Having negative thoughts and being on alert for potential dangers is literally how we survived and those genes were more likely to be passed on. Someone who thought that there was always danger and was on alert would survive simply because they are ready for everything whereas someone who thought everything was fine could have been caught by surprise and killed by a predator or something else.

While I am specifically targeting “positive thinking” here, it is important to be on the lookout for any simple solutions that are offered as miracles. No, this herb won’t cure your mental health and one advice isn’t going to magically change anything.

Let’s talk about relationships with parents when kids are adults. In our culture, we don’t so much become adults in the eyes of most parents. It is a reverse Peter Pan syndrome where we may feel adults but our parents don’t, "what are the ramifications of that?"

Also what relationship should we then have with our parents when they try to control many aspects of our life? In brown cultures, parental control transcends religion and location. It is a foundation of how we operate from pushing towards a major at school, marriage, etc...

True independence is rare because most people go from parent control to getting married (often staying at parents’ place when getting married), this can cause a plethora of issues for our identities and mental health.

It is hard to develop an identity when every aspect of our lives is controlled, many of my clients tell me they don’t know who they really are or what their true interests are because they never had the luxury of developing those aspects even when we find the courage to say no and remove ourselves from that control we may end up feeling worse and lost.

• When that control is removed, we may not know what to do. Too many options can be very debilitating, also it is hard to have a healthy relationship.
• We grow up in an environment where control means everything.
• We see that in the way our parents interact with each other and with us.
• We may not be aware of other systems and therefore replicate the system we know at the detriment of our mental health and that of our partner.

"so, what can we do as adults?"

Well it may sound silly but a lot of that control can be purely artificial, let me explain. In some countries, parents may not have legal rights to do what they can. For people living in the western world, it can be as easy as leaving even in countries where we are not as protected we can start to establish boundaries even if it means not using that word specifically.

We can simply start to push back and not go with what they say. At times, this can be a dangerous strategy especially with abuse.

The most important thing to realize is that we need to accept that a healthy relationship may not be possible, parents will most likely not want to back down from their controlling behaviours. If we give in, they will do it more and more.

It is also about reinforcement, let’s say a parent is pressuring their adult kid to get married.

• if we accept one arranged date, we reinforce them to control things further and it may be harder to get them to let up after that.
• if we say no all the time and not give them any reinforcement, they may give up slowly because they realize that this boundary is simply too hard to break. it can be painful and take a long time for that to happen because they will use any strategies to break the boundary. it can be fat shaming, age shaming, using proxies like cousins and other people to break at self-esteem, etc...

This is where having allies and support systems is really important even if they are people just online.

When a whole system is messed up or broken, we may feel like the odd ones for going against the grain and end up giving up. Having others validate and encourage us can mean so much, I know it can be a long shot but even finding a job in another city or immigrating can be options.

The realization that parents may not love unconditionally and might never do can hurt when grown up, it is a sad realization to go through and can leave people feeling very depressed and hopeless. Having a therapist helping you navigate those emotions and trauma is crucial.

It is really important as adults for all of us to go to therapy to unlearn so many of these behaviours that were ingrained in us not only to better ourselves but also to break the spiral with our kids (for those who want to have kids).

In conclusion, as adults the relationship with parents should be one where boundaries are hard and enforced. Parents may care more about status in society than the wellbeing of their kids, it is important to keep that in mind because it can be easy to let our guard down.

This part was not easy to write because it can be hard to take a critical look at the institutions and values of our society, but it is also necessary if we want to get out of this and be better adults than the previous generations were.

SOMEONE ONCE SAID:

"some people only see base and forget superstructure and it shows" — it’s so fucked up yet so easy to blame people living in a dysfunctional society for acting like they live in a dysfunctional society.

THIS IS A FUCKED UP SOCIETY:

• one mistake and you’re out.
• one mistake and they forget about every good thing you’ve ever done.
• one mistake and you’re isolated for life.

Left alone to die, apologies are joke. They aren't accepted in the real world no one forgives anyone around here.

I genuinely don’t want to be a part of this fucked up society any longer, people are so messed up. Society is honestly so fucked up y’all are the same I see no difference, no new thoughts, just peer pressure. Society got this whole shit fucked up, humanity is lost in a fucked up society.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t religion teach us to love and acceptance:

• why the fuck can’t we be with the person we want because of religion?
• why does religion separate people who love each other?
• why does society have to be this judgmental and fucked up?

Religions aren't supposed to come between people that love each other while all they do is speaking about love, help, etc. Imagine living in the world where people with good intention has to apologize because people are just dumb, I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry for this fucked up society.

Society is fucked up, the system is fucked up. If you're a normal person the world isn't gonna give shit about your existence, they only care about people who stands out!

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography/Co-writer)
• dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• dr Khaan, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharré Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan (Photographed) and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by "dr Khaan, MD" (Model)
• In collaboration with "The Me You Can’t See UK" (TMYCSUK) / @tmycsuk