Soar High: “In Dead, I’m Soared”
Written by Andi Bazaar, dr Khaan, MD, Yevhn Gertz, Henrie Louis Friedrich and Hugo-licharré Freimann | Oct 13, 2023
"Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed, it means the damage no longer controls your life." — It’s not about how much time has passed, but it’s about what you do with that time as well. — Yevhn Gertz
One of the most common questions is around how common mental illness is now, especially by those who criticize it.
- how is it possible that there is such an increase?
- is it because of awareness or is it actually increasing?
WELL IT IS A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH, LET’S SEE WHY
- First of all, it is important to remember that not so long ago, we hid family members who suffered from mental health issues from society from fear of being judged. Statistics were not accurate at all, also categories of mental illness were so few as opposed to now. Usually, mental illness was reserved for those whose condition was so bad that they were locked up in long term asylums.
- The second half of the 20th century is when more and more diagnoses and treatments started to happen, also there were many people who went undiagnosed or who didn’t think that what they were going through was mental health related. We all know parents who drink too much, smoke too much, lash out, are emotionally unavailable, etc...
These are usually signs of someone trying to cope on their own or self-medicate rather than going through treatment either because of the stigma or because they don’t think they need it. However, things have changed now. Happiness is something we seek.
Let’s make one thing clear, every single on this planet will go through at least mental health struggle in their life. It is just unavoidable because of some bad things that happen in life, it is important to recognize it and get help when it happens.
There is also the factor of our environment, wages are stagnating. The housing market is unattainable for most millennials and gen Z, society is so fast paced that it is hard to cope with that stress. News are constantly around us. It is hard to escape from social media.
There are so many factors that lead to mental health issues that exist in our societies and that older generations never had to face, all these environmental factors are not things we can control for the most part.
It is important to realize the existence of these issues and to encourage those who go through multiple stressors or who are struggling to get treatment, at one point or another we would all need it and there is absolutely no shame in that.
With the rise of general awareness around mental health, there is misinformation that is happening everyday from herbal remedies “curing” mental illness, to blaming victims and fear that is passed around. It can get frustrating for someone struggling to find the right information.
From life coaches trying to pass as therapists or therapists who choose to ignore their training and preach religion, it becomes an uphill battle to find genuinely qualified professionals. It is not fair that those who want to work on their mental health have to navigate all this BS to find appropriate help.
When their mental health is already deteriorating, we need to eliminate barriers and make it easier to find help not have them swim through countless misinformation and unqualified individuals.
I want to touch on coping mechanisms a little, we often hear the word inside and outside therapy settings. Coping is used to deal with our mental health issues and make them easier, we are going to leave out unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs and instead focus on two different types of healthy coping mechanisms.
Low energy coping mechanisms and high energy coping mechanisms, low energy coping mechanisms are the ones where we are not required to expand a lot of energy to do them. High energy ones require a lot more energy, usually the higher energy ones are more efficient but are not always feasible.
- Examples of low energy ones can include, deep breathing, environment awareness, watching a movie, some forms of meditation.
- Higher energy ones include journaling, exercising, reading, walking, yoga, etc...
The reason why I am separating these coping mechanisms into different categories is because oftentimes people will be judged for not being able to do higher energy coping mechanisms right away, even though their mental health may not permit to expand that much energy right away.
I have seen therapists be like “how can they feel better when they don’t follow the exercises I gave them?” — then you take a look and those exercises are all high energy ones that the client may not be able to do at the moment.
- If someone is unable to get out of bed or shower, how can we expect them to go journal their emotions everyday. It is always good to start with low energy coping mechanisms and slowly work out way up, this is because they set us up for success.
- If my goal is simply to breathe and I achieve it and it helps my mental health, I am more motivated, less likely to feel guilty and I can feel accomplished. It motivates me to take it a step further even using high energy coping mechanisms, we can start slowly. Maybe just journal one or two lines or go for a 5 minute walk, rather than try big and not finish.
If you are helping someone who is going through a tough time, give them a chance to start slow and build up their capacity for using more demanding coping mechanisms. There will be a bigger chance of success in having the person implement a good coping routine.
ACCEPTANCE IS NOT RESIGNATION
"What is self-awareness?"
Self-awareness is the ability to tune in to your feelings, thoughts, and actions. Being self-aware also means being able to recognize how other people see you, people who are self-aware recognize their strengths and their challenges.
A simple, step-by-step tool to help you figure out if the struggles you’re seeing might be signs of a learning and thinking difference.
You might hear people talk about self-awareness as an important skill — not just for kids, but for adults, too. Self-awareness is the ability to tune in to your own feelings, thoughts and actions.
When people are self-aware, they understand their strengths and challenges and know what helps them thrive. They also understand that how they see themselves may be different from how others see them.
People with strong self-awareness skills can:
- recognize their strengths and challenges
- understand and talk about their needs and feelings
- recognize other people’s needs and feelings
- see how their behavior affects others
- develop a growth mindset and learn from their mistakes
When people understand themselves better, it’s easier for them to build positive self-esteem. That’s especially important for people who learn and think differently and who struggle with certain skills and tasks.
Self-awareness gives them a way to look not just at their challenges, but also to see what they’re good at.
I learned to take care of myself, to show up for myself, to love myself enough to walk away from situations that or not healthy for my mental health.
Yevhn Gerz, once said:
"Healing doesn't mean the damage never existed, it means the damage no longer controls your life." — It's not about how much time has passed, but it's about what you do with that time as well.
Things like "trauma" and grief don't disappear it can get less prickly — turn fuzzy and or become a little easier to cope with but it never truly goes away.
IMHO = "In My Humble Opinion"
We just learn to build our life around it by developing different perspectives and taking active steps towards acceptance and healing, there are times when something happens and it pulls us back into that dark space, but then eventually we go back to our life's "new normal."
If you think you can’t get rid of a certain feeling, just bury it then. It’s still there but it won’t affect you. — "It’s as the same as physical pain then."
For those of you who are in the process to recover and for those of you who have managed to recover:
- thank you for surviving
- thank you for deciding to stay alive
- thank you for your hard work
You have done so well, please don't push yourself too much. I don't know if this article will reach you or not, but I'm glad that I'm able to write this on Medium.
It's been hard for you, I know that's okay. Not everything in this world work the way we want, thank you for surviving. Maybe sometimes you just want to disappear, but if you can see this article that means you choose to stay strong and face all the problems, thank you for staying alive.
By staying alive that means you've worked so hard to face and solve all your problems, you have done so well. Everything will slowly be better, you just need to believe that there is no problem in this world that has no solution.
I recently read the book adult children of alcoholics (which my friend recommended in university) it helped me figure out who I am and figure out how I operate and function as a individual, thanks to Antoni Marquez for the invaluable guidance and insights you’ve given me.
If I could only pick two psychological techniques to transform yourself, they would be: "Radical Acceptance," (of yourself and reality) + "Radical Responsibility." (of your behavior not outcomes). This is how you unite unconscious and conscious to become unstoppable.
- "Radical Acceptance" is the most misunderstood concept in psychology, acceptance is not resignation, justification or passivity. It is believing you are a person of worth regardless of anything else, that’s why it is unconditional positive regard. Thus radical acceptance is essentially forgiveness, forgiving yourself for the mistakes you made and will make knowing you did/do the best you could 'can' with the limited knowledge, resources and support you had at the time even if it wasn’t and isn’t good enough.
- “Radical Acceptance" is finally acknowledging all the parts of you, the multiple “selves,” archetypes, light and shadow the good and the bad also the beautiful and ugly. Are deserving of your respect, even if they need to mature and are welcome since they will be there anyway.
- “Radical Acceptance" is believe you are good enough, you are that 'good boy or girl' you heard your parents say (or didn’t say). That you are deserving of self-love and the love of others even if you are flawed, imperfect and have work to do.
YOU ARE WHOLE.
"Radical Acceptance" is also a radical acceptance of reality of finally letting go of the 'just-world hypothesis' :
"Good things happen to good people, and bad things happen to bad people and the world should be fair," which, perpetuates trauma, bitterness and resentment.
In reality bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people and the world is often unfair. That doesn't mean we shouldn't try to be fair in our dealings, but it also means understanding that virtue is an ideal that will not be lived up to all the time.
Thus radical acceptance is saying :
"this may not fair, but I accept that it is this way now, so I will either be willing to have it or find a way to change it but I will not martyr myself in the process." — You cannot change what you cannot first accept.
- “Radical Acceptance" doesn’t meant you need to like reality, it just means you are not denying it or combatting it. It’s okay to have 'righteous indignation' as Patrice O’Neal put it but to not be consumed by it and rather sublimate it into changing yourself or the world.
- “Radical Responsibility" means owning your behavior, you cannot control your internal experiences (e.g. thoughts, feelings, memories or sensations). You can only change the way you relate to them (though mindfulness or willingness) but you can always choose your actions.
- “Radical Responsibility" is not blaming or guilt-tripping, as I tell my family : "it’s not your fault you arrived in my office, but it is your responsibility to get better." (Thus embodying radical acceptance plus responsibility), you must be accountable for your actions.
- “Radical Responsibility" means being willing to do whatever you need to do regardless of internal pressures (anxiety, depression, fatigue) or external pressures (stressors, lack of support or reinforcement). You do it anyway because it moves you towards your values.
Once you're crystal clear on your values, radical responsibility is taking :
Daily, committed action towards.
- Want to "be a loving partner" but have no one?
- Talk to one person.
Want to have a "healthy lifestyle" but been too busy? - Walk a block.
- Baby steps, no excuses.
Even when others or circumstances are a legit factor and you could rightly blame them for holding you back, radical responsibility means taking ownership anyway.
I calls this "Extreme Ownership," responsible = response + able. Able to respond, so respond.
The paradox of radical responsibility is a focus on your own behavior, not the outcomes. This is not to say outcomes don't matter or you shouldn't care how it turns out, of course it does cuz winning matters but winning is the gauge to tell you if your behaviors are working.
Because you cannot be totally responsible for how everything turns out, you cannot be radically responsible for it. Thus don't bother, focus on what you can own completely.
Yourself, focus on the inputs not the outputs. Outputs are for feedback and reinforcement, thus observe whether your behaviors are producing the results you want. If not, change your strategies quickly. Use my keystone habit to iterate rapidly daily, this avoids lofty theory and grounds you in reality.
"DO WHAT WORKS, ABANDON ALL ELSE."
"Radical Responsibility" means defaulting to action.
- Hesitant? ACT
- Worried? ACT
- Depressed? ACT
ACTION, ACTION, ACTION. Get out of your head and into your ilfe, stop ruminating. Quit over-analyzing, only reflect during scheduled keystones. Otherwise: "ACT, ACT, ACT!"
My biggest win in the last decade was an insight of mental health: "most people hate in others what they hate in themselves."
I use it to regulate how I react to other people’s feedback and reign myself in when I’m being judgmental, may sound corny but it works. I’d suggest also moving from ‘hate’ to ‘dislike.’
“I disliked this about myself and it only make me a fallible human being.” — Unconditional self acceptance and unconditional other acceptance, "they’re only human despite their rotten behavior."
We all need to care about others, as if we all are part of one society or struggle. Its hard to do, but feeling sorry for others where we are more fortunate is a start. We can help the flaws we see in others and they can help the flaws they see in us, on a compassionate level.
I think hate also comes from a lack of awareness, I dealt with a lot of anger management issues as a kid. Biggest win in the last 10-15 years was mastering awareness and perspective, it is amazing how calm it makes me and it really amplifies one's compassion too.
Everyone has ego, those that understand how the separate selfish self-controlled by the ego works are at an advantage in every aspect of life.
Myself among others, you can see that most humans simply project. We have to do this simply to function, but some only operate in this mode and so engage the game like NPCs very predictable if you want to waste time with parlor tricks.
"You're able to love others, to give to others and do for others by giving and doing for yourself first." — Wayne Dyer.
Self loathing is definitely the genesis of finger pointing and complaining.
I'm currently going through a stage where a realisation of that has made me dislike myself more, sorry for being open about it. Please don’t beat yourself up about it, learning about oneself leads to personal growth. Self-sabotage is not the way to go.
I loved how I shared on talking about emotions with friends how I helped myself in being truthful and celebrate the “oh, wow." moments and how that helpswith mental fortitude, those insights helped me with impostor syndrome.
My biggest mental health win was to stop paying attention to the haters suing me for workplace harassment. To take this a bit further I understand projection as: you hate or fear something in yourself so much that, in order to distance yourself from it, you start seeing it in others (perhaps when it's not even there) and hating it in them.
2020-2022 was definitely the year of insight of mental health and self reflection for me.
There will always be a solution for every of your problem, so please take a rest for a while if you feel tired and don't push yourself too much. I hope you will always be alright and feel blessed anytime, anywhere.
A SPECIAL THANKS TO:
- Andi Bazaar (Writer)
- Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
- Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography/Co-writer)
- dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
- dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
- dr Khaan, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
- Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
- Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
- Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
- Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst/Co-writer)
- Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
- Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director/Co-writer)
- Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph (Photographed)
- In appearance by "dr Khaan, MD" (Model)
- In collaboration with "The Me You Can’t See UK" (TMYCSUK) / @tmycsuk
