Shameless: “Worse the Desire” (To Avoid Shame)
Written by Andi Bazaar, Hugo-licharré Freimann, Tinothée-freimann Schofield, Yevhn Gertz, Mark J. Levstein, Clayton Eūridicé Freimann | March 29, 2024
"Mental illness has debilitated my lifestyle so much over the years, surviving day to day with a choiceless path of pain and a brain that is hell bent on delivering precision strikes of self-criticism. Sometimes I win the war like a true warrior and other days I need to call in the reinforcements to pick up the pieces of a lost battle."
/INTERLUDE —
The only one person that I imagined when I wrote "Shameless" it was Kierran Joseph Schenkkan.
Kierran was the first one I went to, if he had said "No" to be featured on the cover of MHMTID's March issue I don’t think I would’ve made it, I don’t think I would’ve released this. He said, "Bazaar's is someone I’ve always wanted to work with."
I wrote “Shameless” at a crucial time in my life, when I was just entering adulthood and my heart had just been shattered into a million pieces. I wrote this with one of my favorite writer Yevhn Gertz and 4 other co-writers in it.
Yevhn's is an activist for Men’s Rights, an ally to the LGBTQIA+ Community in Auburn, California and as expected of he's a staunch supporter of the creative arts.
- Mental health is different for everyone, just because you see someone smiling and dancing doesn’t mean they don’t suffer with mental health. That’s a stigma that needs to be broken, sometimes a person will be “strong” to provide support but that person is also drowning.
- Mental illness affects each and every person in this world whether they are aware of it or not, you or someone you know is suffering at this moment feeling like they're drowning in life. Give them a safe space and help to break the stigma.
"Through my seemingly endless mental pain and strife I have earned the biggest accomplishment of all: (the title of a warrior.) There is no achievement in my life that I am more proud of than the fact that each and every day I succeed, in spite of it all." — it's very easy to judge others.
Few years back I use to think what is this depression what is anxiety when I lost my mother and grandma in COVID-19, today I realize what is mental pain. How I’m struggling with my life, my depression, my anxiety it’s only me who knows.
The things I really liked my whole life today I don't like them at all, the enthustatic me who had so many desires has gone completely a person with no desires no interest in anything.
How life changed, the one like me who has been so strong in controlling emotions has lost that control where big sorrows also which gave me no tears has now made me so emotional that on even a small emotional thing today tears roll out. Life changed still trying hard to get the old me but it's very tough.
To be kind and get in spirituality is what I learnt in past 4 years, that's only which can give us strength and help us heal.
I believe it's our karma's, today I'm suffering because of my past deeds. So just saying do good karma, we don't know unless it happens with us but one thing changed in me is not to judge someone's life because we really don't know what someone is going through in life. Be kind and humble!
Mental illness has debilitated my lifestyle so much over the years, surviving day to day with a choiceless path of pain and a brain that is hell bent on delivering precision strikes of self-criticism. Sometimes I win the war like a true warrior and other days I need to call in the reinforcements to pick up the pieces of a lost battle.
One thing is for sure, I will never give up.
SIGNS SOMEONE IS JUDGEMENTAL: (FEELING JUDGED AND CRITICIZED)
People used to walk all over me and judge me very easily, these were people I considered very close friends. So now I’m very protective of who I consider a friend because people turn so easily on you or just use you, no time for that bs!
People will judge you easily by just seeing how you interact with them, I always want to see good in people. That's why as much as possible, I won't judge them easily.
It ain’t my fault people easily confide in me because they find me helpful, a good listener and I’m not judge mental. It has always been a fact that we can't please everyone, some people may not like you for who you are and there are some who would judge you easily.
Never judge someone easily, you don't know anything about their life. There are many people who are silently fighting their battles. Please be kind, you guys don't know the mental health struggles of the people around you. They are fighting their battles silently.
"people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — be kind to one another.
Not to sound corny but it’s never wrong or stupid to be kind, people who take advantage of your kindness are always wrong for that, 100%. Don’t ever let miserable people try to bring you down for still having kindness to share.
- be the reason someone believes in good people.
- accept yourself as who you are, accept others as who they are.
- it hurts to see good people get beaten into submission by the negativity of the internet, not everyone is built to just ignore it or suck it up.
- words matter, feelings matter, it doesn’t take much to be kind or better yet not say anything at all if you have nothing good to say.
- you are allowed to ask for help, even for the things you feel like you should be able to handle yourself.
- sometimes we don’t realise how much we expect of ourselves until it gets too much.
- be kind to yourself and keep talking to people.
Be grateful, be kind and be loving. Not just on "Valentines Day" but all days and use every excuse to remind the people near to you that you love them. Love is one of those words that can’t be heard enough.
Be kind to yourself, I know this day can be hard. You will always have people thinking of you, I am one of them. So please, be kind and let them know that their presence mean something. Good morning good people, I'm so proud of you.
It's sometimes hard to talk about, but it's imperative that as an amateur writer, you value your own work. Promoting your own work is crucial but so is not self-deriding it or letting others belittle it (belittling, in this case, being different than criticism)
But the hardest thing to do sometimes is to not let people toy with your time or energy by saying they might buy your work or they'll buy your work so long as you talk to them or establish a connection you're not comfortable with. Your work has to stand on its own.
When people say you've got to treat writing like a business, they aren't talking solely about numbers and sales pitches. A lot of it is about valuing your time, your energy and your work and treating it like something that deserves respect and attention.
In my experience that’s when it was it’s worst, the little details always slip my memory, the smallest things offset my mood. I have a habit of changing my room and moving everything around when I’m depressed. Music, writing down my thoughts, venting, crying, taking walks to clear my mind and prayer.
Depression isn’t always looking and feeling sad, sometimes it’s lack of motivation, excessive sleeping, poor eating habits, unexplainable anger/easily irritated, low self-esteem, no strive to do things you normally do.
I will never forget the day I was creating and one of you who treated me like shit. You see things a lot differently, although your intentions were never meant to be hurtful shit happens. Sometimes you have to apologize for the way you treated people when you were not at the best place in life.
“My pride is never too high to not try, I’m just tired. Tired of forcing shit and tired of reminding people how I’d like to be treated.”
It's like I’m not perfect but to be treated like shit for doing the right thing is something I’ll never stress losing people over. It was never enough cuz people only change for those they wanna change for, let it go.
I’ll never make a close friends group cause if I want to keep something a secret I won’t put it on the internet especially Twitter/IG and also I don’t trust enough people for a whole group.
Its literally easy for you to just ignore it cause guess what sensitive people it’s never going away ever, the internet has always been like this trust me like just don’t go looking for if you know you’re going to be so fucking petty about it I am so annoyed about this.
And sometimes it makes you worse than by going after people for just asking questions. This means maybe you're guilty of the same shit or have done. This is why I never Trust groups who make fun too cancel a person.
You should know that the Internet never forgets be true be bold and people will have trust in you. Never trust people you only know on the internet, unfortunately it happened to me I trusted a person and I flet like I was "exploited"
You know what, very fair point in times like this there should be a ballast of absolute trust. The internet will never allow that. So you gotta hope that most people be smart, informed but not panicked and fear-driven. Now more than ever is this a critical skill.
To everyone suffering from depression, you’re loved and you matter. sending you lots of love and positivity your way.
"We’re all mental because we live in our heads, having good mental health is more than just the absence of a mental health issue. Everything we are and how we are we carry around in our craniums."
More and more people know (of) someone who has committed suicide.
When I was around 12-15 years old I'm feeling completely alone, out of place, too different to ever fit in or be accepted by anyone. I was at that crossroads sitting at that beach thinking that I should just head in, swim out and keep swimming forever. I loved the beach, the sea, I still do. So it wouldn't that bad a place to spend the last and forever. More than once I fould myself there for hours, just staring in the distance trying to muster the courage.
I found myself a coward and went home every single time or was it hope? Perhaps then it felt like cowardice but looking back, I think it was hope because there were people who did care and whom I could have a laugh with depression is a bitch though.
It's really difficult to find ways to see potential and hope, as I said I didn't see it as something tangible back then but looking back I think it was a spark and I was very lucky to have that spark and so many others don't. That's not because they are lacking or weaker, it's not because they are at fault. It's just the hold of the depression being tighter more severe.
Sometimes it doesn't matter how many people say they love you, they care about you, that they like you just as you are but just in case, on this part three, I just want to try and light that spark in others every day. It's not your or their fault if it doesn't catch but in the moments that it does, it can make all the difference.
Be kind, reach out, make sure people can, know they can always come to you in their times of greatest need that there's no judgement.
- tell them you like people.
- tell people you think they’re funny, kind, smart, loving, caring and that you enjoy spending time with them.
- tell and show people that they are an important part of your life and really.
- tell them explicitly.
- tell them you value them and appreciate them and their company.
It might not make the difference, but it also might just and that's all we can do to fight depression together.
My story is my own, but the themes are universal. Life is a universal mental experience, it’s often batshit and as someone once said it’s “a bit like a maze in which you try to avoid the exit.”
I hope that in the DNA of the story I’ve woven, you too will come to the same conclusion: "shit happens, but it doesn’t have to define us we’re not broken."
I’m no Yoda, but there’s a thing or two I’ve realised along my way. Never ask someone what’s wrong with them, they’re not wrong or incorrect. Ask them what happened to them instead, the answer you get will likely be a truth first spoken.
Never ever joke about someone's mental health because some of these people are hanging by a thread, one joke and its done for them.
"Depression sucks, but I will overcome It."
As some of you probably know by now, I've been suffering from depression for a while now. While I haven't really made it clear outright, the past few years have clearly taken a toll on my mental health for several reasons.
It has affected my relationships, my work, my life in general really. I wanted to get into more detail about it to give more context while also giving you all the reassurance that, despite it I'll be ok. I'm not in such a state that I'm going to give up on life or stop doing what I love or whatnot, I'm not going anywhere. That being said, it hasn't been easy.
I'm pretty certain the breaking point of my mental stability was one of my family member death a couple years ago, that event messed me up more so than I care to admit. Ever since then, I've struggled to do much of anything. My motivation has taken a complete nosedive.
I've taken a rather nihilistic view of the world, I just want to lie in bed and do nothing most of the time nowadays which I can't do because life isn't gonna wait for me. One of my family membet death also took a serious toll on my family as a whole and I can't say that it hasn't caused us to drift apart quite extensively, I'm ashamed to admit it but it has become difficult for me to interact with my parents because of it.
My friends have also expressed concern for me and I admittedly hate that, I don't hate that they're worried. I hate that I'm making them worry. I know I can't stop them from worrying but the fact that I am making them worry makes me feel even worse, some friendships have also become irreparably damaged over the past few years for reasons related and unrelated that I won't get into.
“you do not have to suffer alone, there are people that love you."
We need to think of violence itself as a communicable disease, we have kids growing up exposed to terrible trauma. We did a study some years ago, looking at [violence risk] among people with serious mental illness.
The three risk factors we found were most important: (first, a history of violent victimization early in life, second, substance abuse and the third is exposure to violence in the environment around you.)
People who had none of those risk factors even with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia had very low rates of violent behavior. Abuse, violence in the environment around you and those are the kinds of things you're not going to solve by having someone take a mood stabilizer.
- An estimated 50% of Americans are diagnosed with mental illness or disorder such as depression, at some point in their lifetime (CDC). 1 in 25 live with a serious mental illness (CDC).
- Suicide rates have increased in nearly every state since 1999 (CDC), it is the second leading cause of death among people aged 15-34 (CDC). So clearly, mental health concerns in America are real. But is mental illness to *blame* for gun violence?
- Nearly 50% of Americans think so, blaming the mental health system “a great deal” for mass shootings (Gallup poll, 2013) vs 40% who blame “easy access to guns.”
- But actual academic research shows that mental health symptoms (depression, anxiety, PTSD etc) are not strongly related to gun violence. Mental health disorders are common across the globe and the U.S. is not exceptional in that regard (WHO surveys). Yet our gun violence numbers are different, so mental illness cannot take all the blame.
- Further research (are you tired of all this research yet?) suggests that limiting gun access for folks with serious mental illness would lower *suicide* rates, not violent gun crime or interpersonal violence. (Swanson, et al 2016).
Yes, there have been mass shooters with serious mental illness which could have been a factor in their actions but Lu or Temple study reinforces that mental health symptoms are not a good *indicator* nor the *root cause* of gun violence. Suggesting that people with mental illness are inherently violent (see attached example) is stigmatizing and just plain inaccurate (and armchair-diagnosing shooters with mental illness is something that nobody on twitter is qualified to do).
- FBI could only verify 25% had diagnosed mental illness.
- Conclusion: “declarations that all active shooters must simply be mentally ill are misleading and unhelpful” which is not to say shooters were not stressed, 62% judged to have mental health strain (not = illness) but FBI says "absent specific evidence, careful consideration should be given [...] before concluding that an active shooting was “caused” by mental illness"
BELATED ADDITION:
people keep arguing, “but no shooter could be sane." — i'm not saying shooters are all mentally healthy, i’m saying that mental illness doesn’t, in and of itself, cause or predict gun violence and writing policy based on that premise won't end mass shootings.
SOURCE
• CDC
https://www.cdc.gov/mentalhealth/data_publications/index.htm
• GALLUP
https://news.gallup.com/poll/164507/americans-fault-mental-health-system-gun-violence.aspx
• ScienceDirect
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0091743519300143?via%3Dihub
• Health Affairs
https://www.healthaffairs.org/doi/full/10.1377/hlthaff.2016.0017
A SPECIAL THANKS TO:
- Andi Bazaar (Writer)
- Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor/Co-writer)
- Yevhn Gertz (Director of Photography/Co-writer)
- dr Oliver Schofield MD (Consulting)
- dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
- dr Khaan, MD (Consulting)
- Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed/Co-writer)
- Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist/Co-writer)
- Scott Wynné Schofield (Publicist)
- Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
- Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
- Hugo-licharré Freimann (Ass Director/Co-writer)
- Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
- In appearance by "Kierran Joseph Schenkkan" (Model)
- In collaboration with "The Me You Can’t See UK" (TMYCSUK) / @tmycsuk
