SHAMELESS
Written by Andi Bazaar | April 23, 2023
I learned to accept that my trauma healing and recovery is an on-going journey and I learned to adapt to it instead of judge it which allowed me to feel less shame, frustration and anger around the process.
“love is not a temporary feeling or emotion, emotions and feelings change sometimes daily but true unconditional love is everlasting."
Losing a relationship hurts, but losing yourself in a relationship hurts longer.
In a relationship love is supposed to lift you up, not hold you down. It is supposed to push you forward, not hold you back.
Love is our true destiny, we do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone and we find it with another.
"The humblest thing this proud and resolute person had ever done in his entire life was to fall in love with another person."
Don't lose hope even when you're at your worst, you can rise despite the fall. Don't be harsh on yourself, don't criticize yourself. Self-love is first step to elevating yourself, you're important. You can make it through storms, rise above your fears and you'll be unstoppable.
- If true love is a fragrance of freedom, our love is a stink of attachment and bondage.
- If true love is an uphill to joy and ecstasy, our love is a downhill to jealousy and suffering.
- If true love is a stone that breaks through all the glasses of separateness, our love is a reason that the glasses of separateness exist in the first place.
- If true love has its roots in the consciousness, our love tracks its history back to puberty.
Did you know that childhood trauma has a massive impact on your choice of partner and the course of your relationship?
Stop blindly acting out your trauma pattern and make an effort to change the course of your life by learning about these 5 common childhood traumas:
LESSONS I LEARNED ABOUT MY TRAUMA AFTER ENTERING A SAFE RELATIONSHIP:
- I learned that trauma could get activated through having new and healthy experiences even with a safe, supportive partner.
- I learned that my transparency of my traumatic and abusive past, doesn’t mean I immediately get assigned the role of the partner that’s "wrong" in every argument.
- I learned that most people have trauma and all of us have emotional triggers but not all of us acknowledge them nor do we all work through them the same way and that’s ok.
- I learned that I shouldn’t try to place a timeline to when I will stop being triggered or to when I will start feeling safe with my new partner, it happens in time as you experience more mature and supportive situations, conversations and environments.
- I learned that I am responsible for managing my emotions and for communicating with my partner exactly what I need from them, the clearer I am with them, the easier it is for them to support me!
- I learned to accept that my trauma healing and recovery is an on-going journey and I learned to adapt to it instead of judge it which allowed me to feel less shame, frustration and anger around the process.
TRAUMA RESPONSES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
PART. I — Before I dive deep into this part, let's cover the basics.
WHAT IS TRAUMA?
Extreme life events that threaten your physical and psychological safety. Situations that alter or damage your behavior, sense of self, reactions and responses.
WHAT ARE TRAUMA RESPONSES?
Reactions or patterns that are related to an initial trauma.
We each have natural reactions to danger (fight, flee, freeze) yet they can become trauma responses when we over-rely on these in non-threatening situations. We constantly perceive danger.
WHAT ARE TRIGGERS?
Trauma reminders (noticing sounds, smells, tastes, images). They can be uncomfortable and painful.
WHAT ARE FLASHBACKS?
Vivid, instant or prolonged regressions into the intense emotional states of a past traumatic event. It feels like it’s happening now.
TYPES OF TRAUMA
- Acute: one deeply disturbing event.
- Repetitive: exposure to multiple, chronic, prolonged highly stressful events.
- Developmental: early onset exposure to repetitive trauma (neglect, abandonment, abuse, assault, witnessing violence, coercion, betrayal)
TYPES OF TRAUMA
- Vicarious: absorbing and integrating the trauma of someone else.
- Historical: cumulative effect of emotional and psychological trauma among a specific group of people.
- Inter-generational: cycle or pattern of trauma wounds transferred in between generations.
This is going to be a long chapter, come back soon to read about how trauma responses show up in your relationships then what to do about these. Don’t hesitate to ask questions, I’m a bit constricted because of the characters limits but I will do my best!
TRAUMA RESPONSES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: "WHAT IT TRULY LOOKS LIKE"
In Part I, we talked about Fight, flight and freeze (I'll also add Fawn) and how these are natural responses to danger but can become trauma responses when the part of our brain that generates survival reactions is overactive.
WHAT DO TRAUMA RESPONSES LOOK LIKE IN RELATIONSHIPS?
- You can be highly functional when at work, yet you have difficulty feeling safe in personal relationships.
- Having to put your trust in someone other than yourself is terrifying.
- Intimacy is a threat, you feel it is dangerous.
- You constantly fear for your physical survival.
FIGHT RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- You avoid intimacy by unconsciously creating conflicts with others, you alienate people you care about by always being angry.
- You make demands that are controlling.
- Your inner-child has an unmet need for unconditional love.
FIGHT RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- You feel like a ticking bomb.
- You attack your partner verbally-physically.
- You’re unable to retreat when danger show up, you want to rage even if it’s counterproductive to finding solutions.
- Constant knot in your stomach.
FLIGHT RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- You avoid dealing with conflicts.
- You don’t prefer taking a deep look at your feelings, it’s best to move along!
- You often forget to breathe when you feel in trouble. You feel anxious and fear the worst.
- Always fidgety.
FLIGHT RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- You run away from your emotions by being super busy.
- You feel like you’re always running in life, it always feels like you’re about to be trapped.
- You feel restless, tensed.
- You don’t always know what pain feels like.
FREEZE RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- You often feel powerless.
- Conflicts make you feel stuck emotionally and physically.
- You feel heavy and unable to move when in trouble.
- You shut down emotionally when upset.
- You hide or isolate yourself from problems.
FREEZE RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- You disconnect from your partner or friends when you feel something is wrong.
- You don’t want to reach out to others, you feel like a burden.
- You withdraw, give the silent treatment or become unresponsive when in trouble.
FAWN RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- You immediately move to people-pleasing when in trouble.
- You preemptively try to appease others, even when they’re being virulent, toxic and abusive.
- You agree and respond in a manner where you know what others want to hear.
FAWN RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- Difficulty acknowledging your emotions. You don’t know how you feel, even when there’s no one around to disturb your thoughts.
- You look to others to know what you think about a situation.
- You feel like you have no identity.
FAWN RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- You prefer to ignore your truths, beliefs or experiences. This leads to less conflicts with others.
- It’s hard for you to make decision especially when all the attention is on you. "what do you want to eat?" can trigger you.
FAWN RESPONSE
(Trauma reaction in relationships)
- You over-give, over-listen, over-do and never ask for what you really need because rejection does feel like life threatening danger.
- You don’t know why narcissists always want to be around you.
- Others take advantage of you.
GENERAL RESPONSES
(Trauma in relationships)
- Anger and guilt are always present.
- Emotional outbursts or sudden sadness.
- You repeat childhood horrors with abusive partners.
- You don’t know why you pursue unhealthy connections.
- You have a hard time welcoming love.
We must get that these are only trauma responses if we're constantly unable to access a wide range of reactions, we always find ourselves in only one of these: Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn.
Because everything is perceived as a threat to our survival, it feels like real danger.
Children that have used Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn to escape abuse or life-threatening situations will often apply the same life-saving tactics as adults, even when there's no evidence they need to do so.
"TRAUMA RESPONSE = EVERY REACTION IS RELATED TO THE INITIAL TRAUMA"
5 COMMON ADULT RELATIONSHIP PATTERNS THAT COME FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.
Childhood trauma patterns are deep within our subconscious mind, our subconscious mind has recorded every memory we have (even those we can't subconsciously recall).
The role of the subconscious is to repeat patterns in attempt to repair or heal them, this is called repetition compulsion. It's why we tend to find partners with the same core traits that were within a parent we had a conflicted relationship with.
1. RELATIONSHIP PATTERN: SEEKING CRITICAL PARTNERS
Ex: our parent was harshly critical and nothing we did was ever good enough.
THE RESULT IS WE DIDN'T RECEIVE: ACCEPTANCE
We become subconsciously attracted to partners who are critical, attempt to change us, or who make us "work" for approval.
This will not be a red flag because our subconscious mind has always had to work for love, approval and acceptance.
2. RELATIONSHIP PATTERN: SEEKING EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE PARTNERS
Ex: our parent seemed neutral, unconcerned or dismissive of us and never got to know us as a unique human.
THE RESULT IS WE DIDN'T RECEIVE: BEING KNOWN
We are most comfortable with partners who give us emotional breadcrumbs. Used to not being seen or heard, we subconsciously seek partners uninterested in our emotional experiences and who tend to be self absorbed.
3. RELATIONSHIP PATTERN: SEEKING PARTNERS WHO ARE A FIXER UPPER PROJECT
Ex: our parents were irresponsible in a way that negatively impacted our lives as children (bad with money, couldn't keep a job, used substances or weren't reliable)
THE RESULT IS WE DIDN'T RECEIVE: RELIABILITY.
We become attracted to people who need us to fix them, enable them or who we can become a parent to. This is our familiar childhood role and we feel powerful in and control by "fixing" people.
4. RELATIONSHIP PATTERN: SEEKING PARTNERS WHO ARE DOMINATING
Ex: our parents were harsh disciplinarians who believed in authoritarian parenting where children had no power.
THE RESULT IS WE DIDN'T RECEIVE: AUTONOMY OR AGENCY.
We become attracted to dominating, "call the shots" partners who don't ask for our input and make decisions for us. We never got the opportunity to make our own choices so, we're most comfortable with partners who choose for us and we just "go along."
5. RELATIONSHIP PATTERN: SEEKING PARTNERS WHO CONSISTENTLY BETRAY US
Ex: our parents betrayed each other regularly (usually in the form of marital affairs) and we witnessed them model staying in these relationships even when the behavior was repeated.
THE RESULT IS WE DIDN'T RECEIVE: TRANSPARENCY OR HONESTY.
We become subconsciously attracted to partners who are not transparent, tend to hide things or who "live double lives.”
When these partners betray us, we don't see this as a cue to leave (because we weren't modeled leaving) instead our instinct is to pressure or force the person to stay with us.
WE MIGHT: TRY TO GET THEM TO CHANGE AND MAKE THEM PROMISE NOT TO DO IT AGAIN.
Even when the behavior continues, we will still stay in the relationship because subconsciously, we've learned love means betrayal and as usual I live in the hope that we all eventually learn that "losing a relationship hurts but losing yourself in a relationship hurts longer."
A SPECIAL THANKS TO:
- Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
- Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
- Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
- Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
- Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
- Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
- Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
- Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
- Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
- In appearance by "Yevhn Gertz" / Yevhn Gertz (Model)
