self-conscious and depressed

Written by Andi Bazaar | June 11, 2022

Content Warning: "depression and anxiety, it might get heavy. no obligation to read if it’s too much for you, i completely understand and i hope you’re okay."

“sometimes it doesn’t matter how strongly you start your day, the smallest things can make your chest constrict and your heart race. there is no rhyme or reason to panic attacks or anxiety attacks, sometimes they just happen"

6 or 7 years ago I was at a very big low, there was a lot going on. Both my life and my mind I didn’t realise how bad it was at the time but I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.

They’re soul-crushing, wether you realise it or not. Then I was in another one with my brain plus I was in my early 20s and having the usual struggles.

Financial difficulties, trying to stay afloat while working and studying full time (these things can get to you). Anyway I decided I needed help, I went to the closest friends of mine and they recommend both medication also therapy.

I ended up not-trialing numerous medications, personally I don’t think they worked although I admit and I warn others not to do this. I went cold turkey with the last one in frustration when I didn’t think it, like the others wasn’t working.

Don’t do that, definitely consult with your GP about that but I just felt awful.

I felt like they weren’t working, in fact one caused me to gain weight (and anxiety caused me to be self conscious about…) which was a side effect I was warned about, but I needed something.

I was still young enough to be able to attend headspace so I did, it’s a great service that I will always support and call for it to be properly funded and staffed, it helped (but one size doesn’t fit all and if your experience with it is different i totally understand).

That’s what really helped, I learned techniques and practices to help in a panic or ways to get back into life when it didn’t feel worth it or I didn’t feel worth it. Really helpful, powerful stuff and I really encourage people to pursue it if you need and you are with it.

I remember discussing one way that both my anxiety and depression manifest, I described it as a voice which led to questions about what does it sound like but then I had to clarify that couldn’t hear literal voices which some people can on their mental health journeybut it was like a voice.

A voice of doubt of hate, a train of thought which came along hand-in-hand in response to any other thought or plan that I had. If I wanted to do something to further my career an interview for example “it won’t work, you’re not good enough.” — and everyone has those moments in job interviews when they have a crush on someone and want to ask them out ("they’re out of your league") but whenever it happened, whatever the subject, it felt like cold, hard fact.

It wore me down, I believed it. It gets hard not to believe it especially when it happens every second of every day which is how bad it got at the time. I was left basically hiding in my house not putting myself forward either for interviews or to do anything and even socialising with friends because “that’s where you belong."

The voice was my depression and my anxiety was like the physical effect of me believing it, I’d have a frantic and high energy days where I had to hold back a panic attack. I’d feel my chest get tight, my breathing quicker and shallower.

By the end of the day I was tired, more tired than I should have been based on the kind of activities I’d done during the day. Which was when the feelings of hopeless and worthlessness would sneak in. Dark thoughts, accompanied with either a deep sadness or just a numbness

A brain fog and time just stopping, leaving me feeling terrible. Both physically terrible and as if I was a terrible person for a seemingly endless amount of time then I experienced insomnia. So I couldn’t sleep, while trying to tell myself to ignore the endless barrage.

"of self-loathing, self-discouragement or hopelessness."

Thankfully the methods of coping or taking back a sense of self I learned at therapy genuinely helped and I was able to get out of bed and out of the house.

Into employment (not as much acting as I’d like, but still), the “voice” as I still like to think of it has never fully gone away I’m just better equiped at ignoring it or drowning it out with a bit of confidence (real or false). It doesn’t always work.

Sometimes the voice is louder or unrelenting enough to knock me, sometimes my body responds (the tight chest, shallow breathing, panicky days). Usually it’s only for a week or two but it’s been really bad recently, I’ve mentioned it on and off of late.

"I'm going to be okay, I’m just struggling. I want you to know you are too, there’s no shame in any of it."

Believe me I know it feels like there is, I’ve been there but it isn’t true. It’s one of the lies depression tells you, there’s no shame in getting help either.

Let’s get ourselves back on track again, let’s drown out the voice and the lies of depression.

"while it’s okay to not be okay, let’s find a balance between sometimes not being okay and sometimes being okay."

Let’s break the stigma which I hope this short article helps do.

P.S. that was big, wasn’t it?

Now I’m going to slink-off an battle thoughts of self-doubt about if it’s too long, too much of an over-share or if I should have posted it in the first place.

A special thanks to:

• Journalist / Consulting by Clayton Euridicé Schofield
• Photographed by José Schenkkan
• Model by Jwan Höffler Conwall