Running: Out of Reasons (Mental Health Awarness Week)

Written by Andi Bazaar, Tydalé-Oliver Schofield | May 24, 2023

As many of you know I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at 15, healing takes time and I’ve been in therapy for 5 years and there are still things I need to work on and process. The journey is never done and you will always be fighting,

• As a part of #MentalHealthAwarnessMonth I decided to share a story from one of my contributor in this Community, this has been an emotional journey for him
• On April 3rd, Sean Lucca-freimann Schofield got very emotional as he discussed his mental health battle with me. During the discussion, Seán’s bravely shared:

"Healing takes time, so much time. I’ve been in therapy for the better part of 5 years, the journey is never done and you will always be fighting."

“What some of you don’t know is growing up I kept many secrets about my life, harm and pain. I used to self-harm, I used to hurt myself in order to discipline myself so I wouldn’t cry about the violence I experienced in my world.”

It saddens me to think of the ways I used to physically hurt myself, I have been free from self-harm for almost 10 years. I can’t pretend like I don’t think about doing it again but with therapy, poetry, my support system and patience with myself I am learning everyday how to love myself in my lowest moments and not harm myself.

I tell my story because I want people to understand that self-harm is more common than you may think. You never know what someone does behind closed doors so please show some compassion, some tenderness, some care.

I think I am now comfortable to share my mental health journey in the hope that it helps at least a few of you to seek help, obviously this is not medical advice but my experience.

I have had anxiety for as long as I remember, as a kid if my parents told me that they would be back by 9 and they weren't I would fear that something bad has happened to them. Exam periods were the worst: when most peers relaxed after an exam, I could not help but worry.

• worry that my exam would get lost.
• worry that i forgot to write my identifying
• information.
• worry that I did not staple the sheets together properly.

The memory of class 10 and 12 exams still gives me the chills, my family thought I would grow out of it but I didn't.

After frantic worrying, nothing bad would happen. In fact, things used to turn out great. I thought that anxiety was my superpower, I succeed because I worry and think about every single thing that could go wrong even if it came at the cost of the quality of my life.

Things got much worse when I started working, everyday seemed like an exam. I used to run away from any responsibility because I was scared I would mess it up, there were days when I would hide in the washroom and try to calm myself down for hours.

I thought about quitting almost every day, I remember calling in sick when I was assigned a very urgent and important task so that someone else would take care of it. It spread to other daily aspects of my life too, it obviously affected a lot of my relationships.

I rem-pacing all night because the cashier had forgotten to ring in an item that I bought, I thought I would be arrested for shoplifting. I sent my friend to pay for it the next day, you may not identify with this but this is how it is to live with generalized anxiety.

"The first step to dealing with this is to realise that its a disorder, the second step is to seek professional help."

I first tried meditation which did not help me too much with the anxiety, then I saw a therapist which helped but again not too much.

Then I saw a doctor who diagnosed me with GAD, prescribed an SSRI and asked me to exercise daily. The stigma around medications for mental health is so much in USA, that I stopped it twice when I felt a little bit better. I did not even tell my family about it.

Finally, I moved across the globe for a PhD and the first year sucked. I was anxious about everything! Frankly, it had become hard for me to step out of the house. I am in an Econ PhD programme and the first year is infamously hard.

I saw my doctor when I went back to USA and he prescribed the meds again, this time I stuck with it along with exercising regularly. After 12 weeks I noticed a significant improvement, who would have imagined that all I had to do was take care of my brain's chemical locha.

I am not suggesting everyone to get hooked on meds, everyone's journey is different and mine is far from over but there is light at the end of the tunnel. What works for you can only be identified by hit and trialz keep trying and seek help from people who know better!

I am having a really tough time with depression this week, I wasn't going to be all blahblahblah fishcakes about it but recently an author friend told me she finds it meaningful when I post about my mental-health journey.

I have great support, treatment, resources but I still struggle sometimes. That's just the truth, this is an illness, not necessarily a response to stressors. That doesn't mean I don't need to observe things, I need to make sure I ask for help.

It also does not mean I can't work and communicate, low mood is not the same as high anxiety. Sometimes the two coexist, sometimes they don't. Right now, I'm able to think, read and write just fine. I'm down, but not out.

And here's my main message for today: reach out to friends with depression, we may not be able to engage a ton but we do appreciate your thoughts. a little laugh, knowing that we're not as silo'ed as our brains wants us to believe.

Another writer friend on here recently told me that my reaching out in a dark hour made a huge difference, I'm hardly a saint, but boy hearing that made me realize that we never know. We just never know.

I am still struggling with big feelings but feeling healthier and happier, I am in a stable place where I feel like I can open up and share about my journey.

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS

I recently took a step back from social media for several reasons, the first big reason was I felt physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I had been balancing so many plates at once, I felt like I couldn't keep going anymore.

I truly take my art, my business, my family and my relationships very seriously and I felt like I had come to a point where I was letting everything and everyone down especially the people I care the most about.

Being a husband and dad of a young children and starting my own career was a balancing act I wasn’t fully prepared for. Plus, I seem to have inherited the art of trying to micromanage everything and life just got to the point of severe mental anxiety and exhaustion, I felt like I couldn’t do anything right.

"For my own mental health I chose to step back from a few special people both IRL and online and that choice broke my heart."

I want to emphasize the fact that I don't hold and grudges or bad feelings for these friends and humans and I am in no way shape or form mad at anyone. My choice for walking away was and is for my own mental health and stability, as well as to honor them as human beings.

I started searching for the reason I started this storytelling a artistic journey, it was not to see how many likes I could get or if my followers were growing as fast as others.

I stared this journey to tell stories, to share what was on my heart and in my imagination not what publishers said would sell or not. I wanted to share my words and soon after my own art as well, with the world.

To celebrate who I am and who I am becoming and to share stories and art with others that are in this space making a change and bringing light, love and a change in the world.

• i support everyone
• every person
• every color
• every tribe
• every nation
• every religion and
• every gender

By stepping back does not mean I don't love and support. I just want to support and love from a good place myself and it took a little while to re-group, center myself, find more balance and clarity for my purpose and let go of my anxieties and fears.

SO, WHAT DID I DO TO GET BETTER?

Well that's a long answer too, to start I didn't get better all by myself. I reached out to get help from a professional, I let the people closest to me know how badly things were (even though this hurt to do). I stepped back from social media, I set personal boundaries.

I read a few good books (recommended by friends) went Jeeping with my dearest friend and started a new routine to help avoid burn out (or at least help me notice it sooner).

I am beginning to find my joy again, my overwhelm and anxiety is feeling better most days ( though i still have my good and bad days every now and then).

"Slowly but surly I am finding my happiness in creating and sharing my stories and art with the world free of anxiety and pressure to be perfect."

I have found freedom in the notion that all I have to be is be imperfectly me and if someone doesn't like me or my stories or my art then that's okay. I love me and everyone in this world for exactly who they are, cheers to being me and double cheers for you being you!

As a part of #MentalHealthAwarnessMonth I decided to share a story from one of my contributor in this Community, his own struggles. This has been an emotional journey for and if you know Sean you know he just can’t be sick or inefficient.

Lately, my mental health has gone worse and led to me developing physical problems, the intention of this post: "help people acknowledge that it is okay to not be okay."

I have been wanting to post this for the longest time, now seemed like the right time. I hope you all receive it positively.

THIS HAS BEEN A TOUGH ONE TO SHARE AND AN EMOTIONAL ONE TO WRITE

Not always will you find the power to keep moving, there will be days you will be on the floor, crying and there will be days you will cry for no reason at all but you keep moving.

With my burnout, I have faced many breakdowns some totally out of the blue. I was laughing and switch started crying.

If you have faced a breakdown, you know the crying is different — it is literally a cry for help. It is not sobbing or tears, it is just “help me”

These are parts of your story, people never see. Battling, fighting with your inner self is tough.
You want to do more, to get there, to be like everyone else but you can’t something holds you back.

That something is your body and mind unwilling to work, you want to shut down but you keep moving. I tried asking for help, finding ways to be better, going to therapy but then I never had the time. I never had the time for me, I ignored what my mind needed. I stopped doing everything I loved.

There have been times I forgot to eat or sleep because I had work, I don’t do things outside of work. I don’t do things I like even had no time to listen to music. I think I lost all balance between work and life, I just don’t like being inefficient so I kept moving (eventually, it catches upto you)

I had a blackout, numerous breakdowns felt exhausted throughout the day. Developed physical problems and so on.

It came to a point where I was walking dead, I could see stars on the screen and in the air and I kept moving. Not everything in nature blooms all season and you have to wait.

I have been working on myself and finding things that work for me, it won’t be easy it never is. Saying no is hard, but when you say yes to everyone else you say no to yourself.

It’s a tough journey, one probable to relapses and falling back into old habit is easy. I just hope I have the strength to go through it and emerge stronger on the other side.

HOW TO HELP THOSE CLOSE TO YOU WITH THEIR MENTAL HEALTH JOURNEY

• ➡️ It's important to pick a time and place where they feel safe and comfortable to have a conversation without any triggers.
• ➡️ Approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, give them a heads-up and let them know what you have in mind. Begin with a general discussion and gradually move towards your personal experience.
• ➡️ Discuss how therapy is a normal and healthy part of life and emphasize the importance of having a non-judgmental safe space for yourself.
• ➡️ Use specific examples from your life to help them understand the importance of seeking help and the benefits it can bring.
• ➡️ Share information about support groups or resources or even accompany them to their first appointment if needed.
• ➡️ Try not to be too forceful, give them time and space and continue the conversation when they are ready to talk again.

MENTAL HEALTH SETBACKS

One of the hardest things to do is get back to where you were in your mental health journey after a huge setback or a relapse or even a long episode.

It’s even more frustrating when you know that you had moved past these behaviors and mindsets, but one moment can send you right back to where you started.

All the progress you made now feels so far away. You know what you did to get out of it the first time, but you need to break through again. You need to relearn how to use your own tools — the ones *you* made.

It’s not impossible, of course not but it sucks. It’s terrible and frustrating and disappointing, it’s okay to feel that. Just try not to get stuck there!

"Healing takes time, so much time. I’ve been in therapy for the better part of five years and there are still things I need to work on and process. Don’t constrain yourself, let yourself grow and heal at your own pace not by the progress of others."

The journey is never done. You will always be fighting, but you will always be better equipped today than you were yesterday. We’ll all get there together.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography)
• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Hofflér Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by "Sean-luccá Freimann Schofield" (Model) / Sean Lucca-freimann Schofield
• In collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See