RISE: “A Lifelong Balancing Act”

Written by Andi Bazaar, Co-wrote by Timothée-freimann Schofield | Jan 6, 2023

"if there is ever a time to be vulnerable, to talk to someone, to seek help… it’s now. let’s end the stigma, through the death of loved ones. on top of the struggles and battles of everyday life."

Have you ever experienced an anxiety attack? Well, lemme tell you a story about my journey with extreme anxiety.

In 2012, the year of my graduation. This is a day I’ll never forget, one of the most difficult days of my life.

I grew up super shy and introverted, always terrified of having to speak in front of the class. I had experienced anxiety attacks throughout my life but on this day in 2012 I had hands down the most intense anxiety attack I had experienced to that point.

As soon as I got there to the school for graduation that day I couldn’t stop freaking out in my head, sweating a lot. Couldn’t breathe, spinning room. I remember feeling all of those emotions so vividly the exact moment.

Long story short it lasted the entire ceremony, it was tough but eventually it ended and I moved on. So I thought. 3 months later I moved away to college for my freshman year but as soon as I got there my anxiety went through the roof, it was stronger than ever before

I couldn’t go anywhere outside of my dorm without having an anxiety attack, class, food court "it was crippling."

The first weekend I made a trip back home and miraculousy as I was home I broke my wrist, on my writing hand. Giving me an excuse to drop out and stay home.

Here’s the cool part, from that point forward I committed myself to getting better. Healing myself, learning how to live with this anxiety and I started socializing. Working jobs that forced me to talk to people, shooting videos. Always reading personal development books.

We've come a long way to end the stigma around mental health but there's so much work to do, particularly when it comes to access to services. We keep saying we treat mental illness like any other disease but the resources available tell a different story.

When I had a serious depressive episode in my early 20s, my GP was my only option. He was retiring and happy to write a prescription, meanwhile I still had no idea what he wanted to treat me for. Depression and anxiety weren't real to me.

Things got worse, I had test after test because I assumed there was something "physically" wrong with me. I wasn't crazy, right? but tests were negative and I couldn't function. I lost 40 pounds in a few months, to say my family was worried is an understatement.

My mom was the first to mention depression, we argued and cried. Came up with a plan, fortunately for us a family friend was psychiatrist at the hospital and was able to see me quickly. I don't feel bad about jumping the queue that time because it may have saved my life.

The psych visit wasn't dramatic, the resident I spent time with was compassionate but direct. She gave me some tools to work on, a prescription and a doctors note for my continued absence from work. She didn't lock me up or drug me, that was a relief.

From there I found a psychologist who I felt comfortable talking to, it didn't take long for this to have an impact on my mixed up head but even with benefits that regular appointment was expensive and I was fortunate to have support of my family, financial and otherwise.

In the decade-plus since, life has been good. I've had two great jobs in that span, I'm healthy and I'm happy. Most of the time, it's a lifelong balancing act but that's not as daunting a prospect as it once was. Education helped me there.

As for resources, I got lucky. I knew people, my family is financially secure and I never had to be an inpatient. I also learned how to advocate for myself, a lot of people in much worse situations don't have thst support or resources. That needs go change faster.

I’M TOLD MY FRIEND IS ABOUT BREAKING STIGMAS, SO HERE GOES:

When I was 15 years old, I was a victim of sexual assault. For the most part, no one at school believed me so I stopped talking about it. I was too ashamed to tell my parents, I suffered in silence.

After that, I regularly had panic attacks. I developed an eating disorder, I had a hard time focusing or finishing assignments.

In subsequent years, I always felt like something wasn’t right. I didn’t have any self-esteem, I wasn’t motivated or hopeful even particularly excited about anything. I drifted through life hoping more bad things wouldn’t happen, but not expecting good things to happen either.

In 2017, I lost a close friend to an overdose. I lost my grandmother and my long-term relationship, I ended up in the hospital having attempted suicide. I was diagnosed with PTSD, major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. I’ve been on Prozac ever since.

I’M SHARING THIS FOR TWO REASONS:

1. Because why shouldn’t I? I am not more embarrassed or ashamed of this than I would be of a catastrophic physical illness.
2. Because the day I started talking about my mental health was the day my life truly began. I am healthier, happier, more successful and a better person because I accepted help.

I hope this encourages anybody reading it to reach out to people in your life even the ones who seem ok and check in on their mental state, it’s not always easy to share but given the right conditions it could save somebody’s life.

The stigma around mental health can be just as painful as the illness itself. It makes people feel ashamed, embarrassed and alone. It stops people from getting help, from getting better.

Let's be mindful of what others may be feeling, let's be mindful that we may not see or even hear about someone's pain. Ask for help, ask for a chat and use the resources out there for you and take care of yourself.

Remember, we are here for you, we are always rooting for you!

I REMEMBER MY FIRST PANIC ATTACK

I was in a work meeting and my heart started going crazy for no reason. I started to freak out and excused myself to the bathroom, I splashed water on my face and went back in but it was overwhelming.

Finally, I stood up and said “I have to leave!" — the girl running the meeting said that there’s only a few minutes left but I stormed out anyways, I got on a bus to go home but the sensations were getting worse.

The panic overtook me and it felt like I was going to fall over, I had no clue what was happening so I got off the bus at the Campeau station near the OPP office. I went in looking for help but literally no one was there, I went outside and called 911.

I thought I was about to die, the ambulance eventually came and they were very calm and even slow. They knew what it was, he told me I had a panic attack. "a what?" then added, "but why?" — "why did this happen?"

I went to my family doctor and was immediately prescribed Lexapro, I was so against taking medication. It scared me, I was scared what people would think of me because of that fear the medicine didn’t work. It made me worse if anything.

Nothing worse than lying in bed having mini panic attacks thinking you are doomed to be this way forever, medication wasn’t working and therapy wasn’t working. There was no hope, I couldn’t even look at my kids because I thought I didn’t deserve to be a dad.

After a long time of suffering, I finally said fuck it. I wasn’t going to let anxiety run my life, I slowly learned how to deal with it. It wasn’t about trying to get rid of it, it was about trying to get along with it.

I even tried a new medication Effexor XR, it seemed to be working. Maybe because of my new found attitude, an attitude of “bring it” — bring whatever may come. Let me panic and guess what? I got better. I felt better than ever!

Then it comes back, that pesky anxiety. You know what it is and you know it can’t hurt you, yet it’s crippling. I even had a huge set back this summer, all the old feelings came rushing back. It really sucked!

But you know what? I know I will have anxiety for the rest of my life and that’s okay. It’s not who I am it is just part of me and I still keep on trucking because life is worth living even with this asshole on your back. It always passes, it’s science.

• Know that it’s ok to not be ok.
• Know that we all go through times where we are not ok.
• Know that there are people out there who are eager to help.
• Know that you’ll be doing right by yourself by reaching out.

They suffer in silence, they could be: your brother, your neighbour, your best friend, a colleague or just about anyone you come across on any given day. Be kind, be the kind of person they might open up to. Lend your ear, your support, your empathy and compassion.

It’s easy to judge and even easier to criticize, do what’s harder. Think about what leads someone to action you might judge harshly or criticize, consider what might be affecting them and think about what they might be feeling also try to be understanding.

• Live the life you want to live.
• Live for today, because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.
• Live for you.
• Live for the best version of you
• Live for those you love and if you feel like you can’t live in any of these ways, speak up and find people who can help you find a way.

Love yourself, family, friends, life. Love simple things, love challenging things. Look for love everywhere, because you never know where you’ll find it. Don’t forget it starts with loving yourself, even when that feels like the hardest thing to do.

Forgive, forgive yourself. Forgive others, don't hold grudges. Don't allow pettiness to rule, remember your past learn from it but don't dwell on it. You can't change your past, you can only move forward.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Co-wrote/Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design/Model)
• Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by "Jwan Höffler Conwall”