Rise: “A Haunting Veil of Pain and Sorrow”
Written by Andi Bazaar, Mark J. Levstein, Hugo-licharré Freimann and Tydalé-Oliver Schofield
For emotions/traumas/losses that we have properly processed, we wouldn’t feel a sharp pain/these strong emotions all over again. We may feel a small amount of it but not the intense powerful ones, the reason why is simply because the processing didn’t happen in the past.
There is a special place in hell for medical/mental health professionals who step out of line and recommend marriage/religion as a solution, you break a fundamental trust in patients that can make them stay in pain longer and hesitate to get help again.
Toxic positivity is a real problem that can do harm, it is a form of condescension against people whose mental health is not doing well/to guilt them out of their pain. For example, think positive thoughts. We have 80k thoughts a day, it is not possible to make them positive.
I was reading an article earlier today starting that depression costs each countries billions of dollars of lost productivity as an argument for increasing mental health treatment accessibility, how about the pain of the people and lost lives without having to insert capitalism.
Learning how to be vulnerable and expressing our emotions is one of the best things we can develop, it allows us to stop repressing our feelings and connect on a deeper level with people around us. It can take time to get there but once we do, it is so worth it.
For everyone in our life who keeps asking what it feels like to have certain mental health issues, I decided to create very simple sentences that can sum them up.
- Panic Attacks: it is liking being in front of a hungry tiger many times a day.
- Depression: the whole world is suddenly full of pain and we can no longer relate to those we love.
- OCD: a set of rituals that we have to do to protect our loved ones even though we know deep down that they don’t do anything.
- Trauma: reliving and experiencing the worst event(s) all the time.
- Dissociation: seeing ourselves and the world through a distorted glass that can makes everything look distant and foggy.
- BPD: a complex set of emotions where there is love, anger, sadness, fear of abandonment.
We know it doesn’t make sense but we can’t help it obviously, there is way more to this but you can imagine just with these one sentences description how difficult it is to live with any of these.
If you know someone who suffers with their mental health, just know that they are going through a period of pain, confusion and need all the support they can whether it is social support, funds to help them with their therapy or simply a shoulder to cry on.
Let’s attempt to answer a very needed question. "how do i trust again after suffering from betrayal/cheating/abandonment?" — trust is something that helps us connect, become friends and find love. Without it, we can feel lonely or have a negative view of people around us.
It is a trauma response from a time where someone deeply hurt us, it is a protection mechanism that helps us not fall in that situation again. However like most defence mechanisms, it has its drawbacks. After a while, those drawbacks can make it hard to move on.
Also, the longer we hold on to a defence mechanism the longer it may take to get rid of it. That’s because it became a routine, something that we held on to and felt it protecting us. It may even revive our trauma and make it hard our mental health.
LET’S TALK ABOUT SOLUTIONS
First of all, for many of us our first instinct when we go through something painful is to bury it. We have work, we have things to do, we can’t afford to take time to process it. Work doesn’t offer a “cheating day off or betrayal day off."
Also, we feel like getting back to our routine is going to help us move on because we are getting back to a normal life. However, not processing a psychological pain means we are repressing it and when we do that, we are more likely to suffer from it long term.
While it can be difficult to suffer intense pain after something happens, that pain, the ensuing crying, anger, depression, grief is an important process to help us make sense of it and move on from it. It helps us externalize those emotions.
The good thing is that even if the traumatic event happened long ago, doesn’t mean we can’t process it now, let’s go through those emotions and get help so that we no longer need to bury it at the back of our minds. Let’s use our social circle and journaling to externalize.
We can take our vacation time or sick days to take time off work and not have many things happening while we go through that process, I know it sucks to use our vacation days for something that’s not fun or travel but sometimes it can be necessary.
Therapy is also very important specifically a trauma focused or specialized therapist, this will help with having someone working for you and your emotions and helping you in a safe and non judgmental environment. You can cry, express your anger safely and with confidentiality.
Also, it is okay to take time to trust again. It is okay to not want to fall in the same trap by taking more time before trusting someone, we make sure that we take the time to identify potential red flags, to really get to know someone before trusting them.
If someone is not patient enough through that process, it is okay to part ways. Doing due diligence is important, but there is a fine line between being vigilant and a trauma response. If you feel like it takes you too long, consult with a mental health professional.
Our world of instant connection and accessibility makes us feel impatient when things don’t happen fast enough but it is okay to take our time and vet the people we meet. We need to be patient and kind to ourselves. The more we get frustrated, the more it can delay healing.
The last thing I want to say is to start challenging our thoughts. No matter what others say, sometimes we feel responsible for people hurting us even if there is no logic behind it. We feel that if we did things differently, that person may not have cheated or hurt us.
Those “what if” situations can quickly escalate into anxiety and lack of self-esteem, it is important to challenge these thoughts with some exercises I wrote about like logical “evidence for” / “evidence against” where the thought is a fact or interpretation.
Healing is a process that happens through multiple angles, it is also okay to never trust as quickly again because there is a place for taking time and making sure another person is worthy of trust. Don’t hesitate to consult with a mental health professional.
I hope that this part helps shed a little light on a very important topic, this only scratches the surface but I hope it provides a framework on how we can cope and what we can do to process those emotions!
I want to consolidate many of the myths around mental health in one chapter despite access to free resources, myths around mental health continue to be extremely high. I thought it would be important to talk about the most common ones.
MEDS ARE ADDICTIVE (NOPE AS A GENERAL RULE)
Only benzodiazepines are considered addictive when used for too long, sntidepressants are not addictive. If we quit them suddenly, it may shock our body and create side effects but it is not similar to an addiction withdrawal.
MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ARE A FORM OF WEAKNESS
They are not a form of anything, they are a response to internal or external factors that trigger a self preservation reaction driven by a survival instinct and or a response of exhaustion from energy draining life scenarios.
IT IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD
You know what’s all in your head? Our brains, that’s it! Mental health issues are not located in the brain as it impacts our whole body, commonly our gut system as well because there are neurons there as well. There is no one location where it manifests.
RELIGION CAN CURE IT (AGAIN NO!)
The same way that religions don’t cure broken arms or infections, they won’t cure mental health issues. They can help cope or withstand the pain but they won’t solve anything on their own.
SPORT CURES IT (AGAIN NO!)
Sports release endorphines which temporarily alleviate feelings of depression/anxiety, they can also help regulate our bodies but they are not a cure because they do not solve the underlying problems.
YOU DO IT FOR ATTENTION
Those that haven’t lived with mental health issues don’t realize how painful they are. Physically, psychologically, socially. There are better ways to ask for attention that don’t involve any of this.
PROMISCUITY/PREMARITAL SEX/DISOBEDIENCE CAUSES MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES (NO!)
They have nothing with each other, just because someone doesn’t adhere to certain social norms doesn’t mean that it creates anything bad.
MARRIAGE/KIDS
We don’t suffer from depression because we don’t have a partner or kids by a certain age, they have no link whatsoever. In fact, it can be the reverse. Getting into codependent or dependent relationships that exacerbate the symptoms.
TOUGH LOVE CAN BRING SOMEONE OUT OF DEPRESSION (NO!)
Tough love is abuse that is sugarcoated under a different name, it just adds guilt and further isolated the person who is suffering. Tough and unconditional love don’t belong together in the same sentence.
DISTRACT YOURSELF/STAY BUSY AND HAVE NO TIME TO THINK
Short-term, it can help. Long-term, it leads to burnout and an inability to even function for the most basic tasks. Processing our emotions healthily and in a safe space are the main keys for successful treatment.
WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY WHEN THEY KNOW?
I don’t know about you but generally other people shouldn’t open medicine cabinets or follow people when they go for therapy sessions, also they are getting treatment for something not joining a network of criminals.
I hope I have covered some of the more common ones, feel free to drop some myths about mental health that you have heard about. I hope that this can be helpful.
I want to revisit a topic I get asked about almost everyday, "Physical symptoms in Mental Health."
They are so scary and can be so hard to believe that something like anxiety can cause such devastating symptoms, let’s break it down and see how that happens.
Generally speaking, mental health symptoms are divided into 3 distinct categories: (Physical, Psychological and Social)
- Psychological would be racing thoughts, intrusive thoughts.
- Social is withdrawal from loved ones and other social symptoms.
- Physical symptoms are definitely those that feel that we notice the most because they can look like potentially dangerous illnesses.
Usually we experience those symptoms, go to the emergency room and the doctors can’t find anything. It leaves us feeling puzzled and wondering what’s happening, what happens is that our mind identifies some type of danger. After that, it is time for the endocrine system to start working. It releases hormones that send signals to our body.
These hormones (cortisone, adrenaline) tell our body to prepare to fight or run away. Blood goes to our muscles, meaning our brain doesn’t have enough blood pumping. That’s why we feel that brain fog, racing thoughts, tunnel vision and we get that burst of energy.
We hyperventilate to get oxygen quickly so it becomes harder to take deeper breaths, we start to feel short of breath. Our heart is pumping in preparation for that danger ahead. We may feel palpitations and even some chest tightness, our muscles contract a lot.
That means that we will get very sore or pain in our muscles from repeated panic attacks, these symptoms all combine to create a big monster that makes us panic even more. So how do we break this pattern?
DEEP BREATHS
I mentioned the hyperventilating above, we need to cut it at the source. By forcing ourselves to take deep belly breaths, our heart rate goes down and the shortness of breath slowly goes away. Then, it is about releasing that energy.
Given that adrenaline and cortisone create a lot of energy to prepare for that danger, we are left feeling restless. Taking a small walk or run after the panic attack is done allows us to get rid of some of that jittery energy.
It is important to remember that panic attacks rely on us fearing the next one, as long as we fear them they will keep coming back. When we understand why they are happening and how we can control them a bit more, we slowly lose that fear. That means they won’t come back as often.
Furthermore, we often associate physical symptoms with mental health problems but actually any strong emotion can trigger physical symptoms. When we feel overly happy, angry, in love, we have physical symptoms as well.
The interconnected nature of the body and mind doesn’t happen just in mental illness but also when we are feel overly happy or excited, it is just that we don’t pay as much attention to it when we are happy.
The excitement of opening a gift we have been waiting for, a first kiss, etc also leave us having a strong heart rate, hyperventilating and similar symptoms to panic attacks. Hope that helps a little with that connection and how we can manage it a little.
I often get asked why it is important to process our emotions and our past because it can be such a painful process to dig up, live those memories again and feel that pain and grief. On the surface, it may seem counterproductive to dig up something asleep in our minds.
While it is true that processing emotions can be a painful process and one that is likely to create strong emotions that can be unpleasant, it is also the reason why it is important to dig them up and process them.
For emotions/traumas/losses that we have properly processed, we wouldn’t feel a sharp pain/these strong emotions all over again. We may feel a small amount of it but not the intense powerful ones, the reason why is simply because the processing didn’t happen in the past.
It doesn’t mean it is our fault, we may have not been in a safe space, surrounded with supportive individuals or even allowed to show our emotions. Therefore, it was in the best interest of our survival to set these traumas aside until it was safe to solve them.
However, as years pass by and issues pile up that are not processed, we hit a breaking point. For each individual it is going to be very different, that breaking point may seem silly on the surface “a panic attack in the supermarket” / “not being able to take a shower” etc.
Therefore, we may focus heavily on the breaking point itself and why it is the one that triggered this avalanche of anxiety/depression. However, a breaking point could have been anything, it was simply the drop that overflowed the bucket.
When the breakdown happens, we may feel strong emotions of anxiety, depression, abandonment and feel as though they are coming out of nowhere, but they are the emotions that we have repressed and put a tight lid on because we couldn’t deal with them.
For most of us, these breakdowns will happen in early adulthood but they can also happen at anytime. You may also be wondering how can I know that I haven’t processed something if I can’t remember? The main answer is going to be around triggers.
Triggers are situations that elicit strong emotional responses that can sometimes be too strong for the situation that we are in, let’s say someone says I don’t look good in a yellow t shirt and I yell at them for commenting on my appearance.
My reaction and anger is not aimed at just that person but every person who engaged in body shaming or talking negatively about my appearance, the trigger simply brought something to the surface that I didn’t deal with properly.
It is important to note that we shouldn’t gaslight ourselves out of emotional responses, i is okay and legitimate to feel our emotions and let people know when they have trespassed our boundaries.
SO, HOW DO WE PROCESS OUR EMOTIONS?
Ideally, it would be with a therapist who would guide the conversation and make sure that we open those past traumas safely and make sure that we are okay at the end of the session. However, not everyone can access a therapist.
The second option is through journaling. Mapping out our past and writing down our specific events and memories, how we felt at that time, etc. can do wonders for slowly coming to terms and processing these situations. However, there is a small issue with this option.
A lot of people may engage in intellectual processing, meaning we can write down what happened or think about them but from a third person perspective and disconnected from them. That’s not processing because we are not fully feeling those emotions.
Processing happens primarily on the emotional side. However, please don’t feel guilty or frustrated if it doesn’t happen at first. We may be too numb at the moment to deal with them and that’s a sign that we may need to take a small step back.
However, if there is a way that you process your emotions that you enjoy please engage in it as long as it healthy. Some people record themselves talking and sharing the experience out loud, some people journal then burn the page, some people do it through art.
All of these are legit and good ways to solve these unresolved issues from our past when it was either impossible to do so because of a fear of safety or simply that we weren’t developmentally at the point where we even knew how to process these strong emotions.
I hope that this part helped clarify a bit why it is important and what we can do, please take it slowly though because it can get quite overwhelming.
A very common theme right now is the pain that comes with uncertainty, our minds don’t like incomplete information and the future is always incomplete until it happens. Therefore, we try to fill in those blanks to make sense of what could happen and be prepared.
This is especially prominent right now with the crises that are happening everywhere, we feel that we don’t want to be caught off guard and preparing for every scenario may give us a small advantage when these worst case scenarios happen.
However, the main problem that happens here is that we suffer in the present for something that hasn’t happened yet or may not even happen. No matter what preparations we try to make, it won’t speed up the process of healing should things go wrong.
Projecting into the future can be detrimental, this is because we bring the past/present and project them into the future. We also bring our emotions now to a far future. For example, if I am feeling anxious today, I think of my life 5 years from now as anxious as well.
However, we may go into therapy/take meds/resolve our anxiety in the near future and anxiety won’t be in our future. So the lens from which we see our future is very linked to how we feel right now, it is important to realize these.
Let’s do an exercise together, when we look at our past we have some very strong memories both of really good things and really bad things that happened. They are the outliers but for the most part, it was somewhere in the middle neither amazing nor awful.
This is because our life tends to be more on the middle. Sometimes, that middle will skew more towards the happy side sometimes towards the negative side depending on the stress/mental health. The future is likely to be similar, more in the middle than in any extremes.
We may also find ourselves over controlling our environment because it helps temporarily alleviate some of that lack of control that we have towards the future, so what can we do? It is important to realize that finding answers to uncertainty is tied to our current mood.
We can also challenge our thoughts and find logical evidence for/against them.
- what could logically suggest those scenarios happening?
- is there any indication they may happen?
We can also use the facts (vs) interpretation exercise I talk about often.
"Is this thought backed by any facts or is it just an interpretation for something that we can’t yet predict?"
I so, why did I predict it so negatively? The answer is most often going to be: “because I am not feeling well, so I don’t think the future will be good.”
It is important to take time to process and challenge these thoughts and not repress them, the more we process them through these exercises the more we can resolve them rather than repressing them and having to deal with these emotions later.
The last exercise that can help a lot is simply accepting our thoughts and realizing that they cannot shape our reality, no matter what thoughts we have it can’t influence the future. Let’s allow them to stay if they want to, realizing that they can’t do anything.
When our anxiety realizes that these thoughts no longer scare us the same way, they will tend to go away slowly until they no longer hold that same power over us.
I hope that this part thread on uncertainty was helpful and that you can apply some of these exercises.
A SPECIAL THANKS TO:
- Andi Bazaar (Writer)
- Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor/Co-writer)
- Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography)
- dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
- dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
- dr Khaan, MD (Consulting)
- Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
- Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
- Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
- Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
- Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
- Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director/Co-writer)
- Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan (Photographed) and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
- In appearance by "Mark J. Levstein" (Model)
- In collaboration with "The Me You Can’t See UK" (TMYCSUK) / @tmycsuk
