Paradox (The First Draft: “an Original Complete Journey”)

Written by Andi Bazaar, Emir Ash-Shiddiq Tendean

“Humanity in a free fall after an apocalypse, everyone’s true battle internally with their own evil and the path to hell is paved with best intentions.” — Emir Ash-Shiddiq Tendean (Co-writer)

“For a long time I undervalued myself, this stunted my growth and compensation for years. Our fears often stand in the way of our own worth, scared of not pleasing, not being liked, looking weird or different all lead to settling for what’s on the table instead of asking for more.”

Use the internet just like a public. athroom

‘everyone is full of shit and terrible things will be written rverywhere.”

Actually, my life isn’t full of hatred. Mostly because I really don’t give a shit what anybody thinks of me. I’m also not a troll, I have a sense of humour. You on the other hand, probably wouldn’t know a joke if you elected it for three consecutive terms.

This is why I could never handle being big on social media. The internet is full of toxic people who always twist shit and people who are way overly sensitive, it’s disgusting. All this peace and love stuff breaks down when the internet is so full of fake.

You have to be a little cynical just to remain true not even to your ideals but to basic parameters about human reality, people suffer and shit is imperfect. (degree of cynicism is still optional).

Why do people on here have to be so full of shit like all the fucking time?

I am depressed and have anxiety and this constant negativity is litterally killingme. Sometimes I just feel like digging a hole and stay in it forever, away from the Internet.

• It’s not like: “these one or two things you do cause me unintended anxiety”
• It’s: “your whole life is full of illegal shit that I don’t value and I’m telling the whole internet about it so they agree with me so cut it out or I’m gone.”

This is the internet, no one is special and everyone is full of shit so buckle up or get off the ride. Sometimes closing your eyes is a good idea, sometimes it will kill you. If I learned one thing last weekend, it’s that way more people than you think are going through some serious shit. My Inboxes are full of people who need someone to lift them up, aside from the fact they “seem ok” — on the internet.

For long periods of time I felt as if I was disconnected from the rest of humanity, a feeling of alienation self imposed.

For most of my life :

• The only meaning I found
• The only purpose
• The only way I could interact with other people was by making them laugh
• Eventually all I became was a walking laugh
• Eventually like all jokes
• I eventually lost my novelty

I was became lost and without purpose. I started out with Jose and his lectures, eventually delved into more philosophy and spirituality. Thanks too andibazaar like yours, I found the beauty and subtle spirituality and meanings to be found in day to day things.

I started trying to become wise, not realizing I fell for the same thing I once fell for. I was a joke and now I wanted to become a walking book, something to be read by other people.

The other students at my high school appreciated all the talks that I gave in English class about a lot of things like finding meaning and dealing with suffering, but I ultimately fell for the same trap I once fell for.

Eventually this identity didn’t fit me anymore.

Couple this with my fear of my true self, I fell into an abyss of bitterness and “I have to be better, maybe that way I’ll be happy” but I realized there’s no need to be better, I just need to be me. If I constantly chase that ‘one thing’ that will make me perfect, will never reach it.

I’ve always had a difficulty to start relationships with people, be they romantic or platonic but when they are made people have described me as a great person. They say this when I stop being a joke or a book, and start being a human. There’s nothing more beautiful in the world than a person being themselves, because that’s the best that they can be.

Thank you for helping me, my friend Andi Bazaar see people for what they where, humans and for letting me be myself. My imperfect, flawed self, in the best way possible.

I’ve had so few friends that I usually feel uncomfortable around people I’ve known for years because of the disconnect, it has taken me decades to come to the realization that I don’t need to seek accolades. I don’t need assurances from others.

“Humanity in a free fall after an apocalypse, everyone’s true battle internally with their own evil and the path to hell is paved with best intentions.”

5 years not one single person I know will read one single chapter of the books nothing. I have 700k words (after telling them about it, they never ask for details ever). The book will change my life when its done, I know this, “its not shit.” — I know what that looks like but the point is I gave up on the “need” for acceptance of people around me.

I am stronger than that, you can be too. The feelings I have now are like the moment you see pure beauty in something, you see it and it captivates you, you’re inspired. No matter what you do or say to the “crowd” they don’t see it or care, you are left alone with the thought that maybe it was just for you.

Take that feeling and run with it, that need for everyone to see the purity alongside of you is hollow. You saw it, believe in yourself. That is all you can do. At any moment the world can become narcissistic, nihilistic and downright vicious.

• If you live for opinion, those who can will destroy you. Always move forward.
• If you see doubt, depression and anxiety coming to your door, lock the bolt and flip it off.

Life is too short to retract because of negative emotion, a great example of society never changes. Nikola tesla had zero friends, he had no time for women. He was arguably the greatest mind the world has ever seen, people mocked him for being crazy. His downfall was trusting the wrong people.

I am infuriated every time I see “edison praise”. If I could go back in time I would skin him alive and staple it back on inside out. This man’s name will outlive us all because he didn’t bother with the noise.

• He just kept doing what he loved
• Being himself
• The moral of my rant is simple after all that
• Ignore the static in life
• Just turn up your own music and let it play

Your depth of detail and insight helps me to home my own story and life perplexities as they come along. Even with pop culture, lessons in life, humanity can still be learned, studied and applied to modern day.

“The problem with imposter syndrome is that what is called imposter syndrome may be depression.”

Life is precious, enjoy every moment of your living. Know your worth and value yourself eventually you reach a point where you don’t care anymore. You know you’re a good person, can’t force people to know your worth, just be real with yourself.

• Know your worth, even if it gets lonely.
• Know your worth, even if it gets lonely.
• know your worth, you deserve better.
• Know your worth, it’s all that matters.
• Know your worth, know what you truly deserve.
• Know your worth and never settle for less.
• Know your worth but be true to your ability.

Once you know your worth, no one can make you feel worthless. Know your worth, know the difference between what you’re getting and what you deserve.

“An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship, similarly negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.”

You cannot rely on other people to recognize your full value if you haven’t bought into it yourself, raise your prices today for whatever service you provide know your worth. Stop investing your time to people who does not appreciate and value the efforts you’re giving them, always know your worth.

“Love yourself, know your worth, accept growth and appreciate life.” These things will help you through any situation.

• Never beg for love.
• Never beg someone to be with you.
• Never beg someone to come back or stay.
• Never beg for attention, commitment, affection, time and effort.
• You should never have to ask to feel wanted.
• Begging is demanding and degrading.
• If someone doesn’t willingly give these things, with their arms wide you open, they aren’t worth it.
• No one, under any circumstances, is ever worth begging for.

Know your worth, know when you’ve had enough and know when to move on from the people who keep ruining your happiness.

When you know your worth and what you bring to the table, nobody can try to convince you that you’re any less than. Know your value and stand on it.

I’ve been around long enough to see all the slimy tactics and people trying to get ahead off your hard work. Most people that I’ve worked with have been nothing but fair, but I’ve had plenty of absolute joke offers come my way. You work too hard, get what you deserve.

This also doesn’t mean be an asshole to bad offers, or demanding money every chance you get. Every product or brand you represent should align with your values and feel natural as well. I have turned down plenty of deals because I know its not for my community.

If the pandemic hasn’t changed your mind about the real face of capitalism, I pity you for how utterly broken your mind must be, and for the mental gymnastics you engage in to cope with the insanity around us.

The, our, your, my children they are the ones suffering. Trying to survive, make sense, cope thru all of this insanity and horrific pandemic and we are not protecting them enough, nor paying attention to what its mentlly doing to them.

If you can cope with the insanity of life, you can cope with anything and you seem able to laugh things off. Best way!

“are insanity and its lesser counterpart a product of ones own beliefs or an illusion created by your mind to cope with life’s inadequacies?”

What you think is “hate” directed toward you and your kind is actually contempt for your inability to cope with life, be it embracing your mental insanity, enabling those same people, or stealing from others.

“People who make jokes about the war are just trying to cope with the actual insanity that it proposes.”

Being ripped from your family and thrusting you into a life threatening scenario, for a war you don’t even agree with. Coping is good, it’s a necessity.

Albert Einstein defined insanity as “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” — If you struggle to cope/deal with situations or feel like the same issues are constantly re-occuring in your life it is because you keep applying the same formula.

If you follow a recipe 1000 times the same meal will be cooked 1000 times. If you desire a different outcome to previous times you need to change the process. Otherwise you will continue on this hamster wheel with the same issues coming back over and over.

Grow, Adapt and Improve.

“Need it be said that it is a breaking point in your life, that it is an unassimilable spiritual earthquake not every person can cope with — as a result of which people often slip into insanity?”

The only person at the end is yourself, life is about learning how to deal with your own insanity, to remain sane, but if you never learn to cope with it. It will overtake you.

Thus far in 2020, I’ve been making a point of “not engaging” on Instagram.

If I realise I’ve wound up reading a thread of responses that annoy me, I immediately close it. If someone replies to a retweet and keeps me tagged in their dipshittery I’m much quicker to mute. I’m not stuffing my fingers in my ears, I’m not blinding myself to important news that’s happening in the world, but I’m choosing not to consume or engage with shitty people reacting to it and lemme tell you I’m feelin’ happier.

“2020 is the year where we sort our shit out, lads.”

Not engaging is the best way to cope with social media insanity and a mantra a lot should take in 2020. If you can’t stop, just mute or ignore and get on with your life. Sometimes, it’s the only way to keep the stress down. “A lot of the toxic people just don’t let up and keep moving the goalposts when engaged.” It ain’t worth it, I’ve been muting and blocking a lot of people like that this year and I’ve been better mentally.

I wish I had that level of self control, I feel like a social media sadist half the time because I expose myself to things I know will piss me off.

PS. credited to Andi Bazaar

Andi Bazaar’s wrote article The Me: You Can’t See last month, and I (José Schenkkan) wrote pieces of mine. I got to show the man who inspired me to write. He asked to keep it and he told me he was proud of me, I’m proud of you too. The article itself hints me deep down inside and outside, no words can explain the way I adore his writing skills.

I have known this amazing man Andi Bazaar since I joined Instagram, but we were never able to meet because he’s not living in the United Stated of America. Thank God, we talked more often and doing video call thing at night and were into each other for years.

I’m so proud to be able to call him as a “friend of mine” — at this moment we may never meet in person because the pandemic thing, but I’m happy to have really connected with you. Actually, it breaks my heart that I never be able to meet with him physically. Maybe one day!

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director of Photography)
• dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• dr Khaan, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publicist)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharré Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by “Hugo-licharré Freimann” (Model)
• Thanks to, Shawn McKenzie (Production Team), Sean-luccá Freimann Schofield, Pierro-luccá Freimann Schofield and Emir Ash-Shiddiq Tendean (Co-writer)
• In collaboration with “The Me You Can’t See UK” (TMYCSUK) / @tmycsuk