NEVER REALLY OVER

Written by Andi Bazaar, Co-wrote by Henrie Louis Friedrich, José Schenkkan Joseph, Gryffen Seth and Tydalé-Oliver Schofield | April 30, 2023

"The trauma stays inside you, the experience of it and the whole sensory experience of it. It has not moved to be a memory, you were overwhelmed by it when it happened and could not process it and so it is stuck there ever present a shadow in the corner."

“People are inherently good, people in pain with unresolved trauma who feel hopeless act within survival mode. They become impulsive, hurtful and desperate. We have to show people their inherit goodness, it’s the truth of who we are."

PTSD is trending in the U.K. Accompanied by a series of snide references, jokes and various comments denying the reality of life with PTSD for many who suffer it.

My trauma related illness involved flashbacks, reliving experiences in an intensely sensory way triggered by particular circumstances; a smell, a sound, words on the news, a touch, a particular type of person.

The flashback takes you back in to the middle of the traumatic experience, living it again and feeling it again. Feeling it as if it is happening now.

• You smell what you smelled
• You see what you saw
• You taste what you tasted
• You hear what you heard
• You feel what you felt

It is overwhelming, you are taken out of your body your essence elsewhere while you are still here. A quantum existence, you are wholly now and wholly then. It stops you, it clogs you up and you cannot function.

Reliving the very worst things that have happened is no joke. Being taken back, no being torn back, torn from now to then, is disconcerting, horrendous.

During my worst days I got flashbacks while lecturing. Particular words, particular looks, ripping me from now to then. I ended up lecturing with a rubber band on my wrist, to ping if it happened again in order to feel something current to try to ground me in now.

There are people who joke about triggers, for those of us with PTSD triggers are very real and being triggered back means you reexperience the trauma.

You are back in the very worst things to happen to you and you feel them again and again and again, it overwhelms you.

"The trauma stays inside you, the experience of it and the whole sensory experience of it. It has not moved to be a memory, you were overwhelmed by it when it happened and could not process it and so it is stuck there ever present a shadow in the corner."

"Treatment for PTSD is about moving the lived experience to memory, that it is something you can face."

Many with PTSD develop coping techniques, ways to stop going back. Your brain puts up barriers and you cope, avoidance techniques. They last for a while, you can function sometimes at a high level but they break down.

The trauma seeps in to day to day living, the compartmentalisation collapses it takes more and more effort to avoid being overwhelmed by the trauma and eventually the boundaries are gone. The barriers breached, it is there and it is always there.

"When you do day to day things the trauma is there being re-experienced, there were days where I would lecture affected by flashbacks and go back to my office and lock the door and sit in the corner under coats trying to hide wishing myself gone."

I don't know if those around me in classes or as colleagues were aware how ill I was, mask wearing comes naturally when you are affected by trauma. Smiles can be turned on easily, they switch off easily too when you are alone.

LIVING LIKE THAT IS NOT A JOKE.

Boston University says more than 70% of adults have experienced mental trauma.

Anger, grief, abuse, guilt, fear and repressed feelings keep you shackled to pain also suffering. This chapter has simple steps to break free and move on without spending $1000s on medication.

Know this, there is no order to misfortune. Terrible things happen to good people all the time, stop the blame game. You may be broken and shattered, a shell of your true self, feel like you've been through a shredder but avoidance is an escape and you need to confront to move on.

You feel afraid, overwhelmed, sad, stressed, angry and hurt for weeks or months after a traumatic experience. Embrace this, but you have to move past not wallow in self-pity. How you process what happened and work through it, will decide how quickly gain your footing again.

"Trauma completely wrecks your body's equilibrium, distorted equilibrium keeps you anxious and hyper sensitive in a place of fear."

Get moving, pick up a simple activity or exercise that suits you. Pick a rythmic exercise to involve mindfulness (ex: running, cycling, swimming)

Being in a state of perpetual pain makes you want to curl up on your couch and never see daylight, however what you need most now is to show your mind that you care.

• Take small steps
• Hit the gym
• Eat good food
• Get some sleep

Do this one day at a time

COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY IS FIRST LINE TREATMENT FOR PTSD

GENERALLY INVOLVES

• Relaxing Techniques to calm anxiety
• Cognitive Therapy to understand your thoughts
• Exposure therapy to help you process your traumatic memories

EXPECT THESE STAGES

• Denial: Turbulent state, confusion and agitation. Refusal to accept facts.
• Anger: Can occur with denial
• Bargaining: Begins to accept, still hopes that it didn’t happen.
• Depression: Turning anger inwards to harm
• Acceptance.

WINDOW OF TOLERANCE TECHNIQUE

When you're inside the window you are able to function effectively, when you are out, it means you've triggered some stress response.

This window expands as you learn to stabilize your feelings.

Trauma makes you go from being hyperaroused to hypoaroused real quick, rapidly changing emotions, going from anger to panic to depressed to numb. Window of tolerance is your zone where you function optimally, to get in this zone you can practice breathing right.

4 x 4 x 4 BREATHING

Inhale deeply for four counts, then exhale for four counts and repeat the cycle for four minutes several times a day. This a good practice to do before starting work or appointments and while commuting.

BREAK PAST BONDS

• Write down the last time you struggled with your traumatic experience
• Describe the feeling
• Recollect the first time you felt it
• Write down details of original incident
• Consciously disconnect with the past

Let the past remain in the past

REGULATE YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM

• Practice meditation
• Pranayama or Breath work
• Quick stress relief tools
• Stay Grounded
• Red and Blue colour makes you calm
• Acknowledge your feelings
• Prioritise your health
• Nutritious food and adequate sleep.

In this day and age people function sub-optimally with a lot of repressed feelings and emotions, most of them wear this like a badge of honour.

"Do not let your past define you, do not empower your weaknesses by giving them more fodder. Fight them, there is more to life than pain."

If you truly seek transformation and awakening to burn away your addictions, build better habits and systems explore your full potential become your elite self.

• Childhood trauma comes to the surface in our closest relationships, when we push people away even though we want them close when we shut down out of fear and when we sabotage relationships because they never felt-safe.
• Childhood trauma (emotional neglect or abuse, abandonment etc) mutes our anger response. We learn to repress our anger and to feel not anger at all when we should (dissociation)

Many adults who show no anger at all are deeply furious, internally. They shove it down with food, sex or chronic over-working.

Healing means learning to accept anger and anger is healthy, it shows us when we’re being violated when to speak up and when a person isn’t safe.

YOU CAN TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON BY:

• How they treat someone who can’t give them anything in return
• How they react when disappointed
• How they speak about ex partners
• How they speak about themselves
• How they react when unexpected things happen
• What they do when they feel wronged by someone
• How they react when you go to them for support
• How they speak to people in conflict

THE MOST POWERFUL COMMUNICATION IS BEHAVIOR.

What causes mental illness? Answering this question leads to hope for millions of people.

"A lack of secure attachment figures in childhood that can lead to survival based patterns and maladaptive coping. Later, these attachment patterns will show up as symptoms of what is called mental illness."

LET'S TALK ABOUT CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT (CEN) AND HOW IT IMPACTS OUR ADULT RELATIONSHIPS:

Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) is when parent figures don't meet their children's emotional needs a majority of the time. This can be because the parent is overwhelmed, overworked, dissociated, distant or shutdown and or unaware that a child has their own emotional needs.

They have very little (if any) emotional interaction with their children.

EMOTIONAL INTERACTIONS LOOK LIKE:

• asking the child how they feel or what they think
• playing in the child’s imaginative world
• affection/hugging/touching
• kid words "i love you" "you matter" "you’re so unique"
• being there for the child when upset

EMOTIONALLY NEGLECTFUL PARENTS CAN BE:

• emotionally neglected themselves as children
• tense and critical
• cold and emotionally removed show no or little interest in the child
• expect the child to 'raise themselves’
• dismiss their child’s emotions ("its not a big deal" "you’re dramatic")
• unable to given encouragement
• highly uncomfortable expressing emotions
• emotionally explosive: they express one emotion only: rage.

When we don't get our emotional needs met, we don't fully develop a sense of self. Instead, we internalize core beliefs that we are: unwanted, a burden, broken, etc. So, we create a facade or "masked" version of who we are to survive.

ADULTS WHO’VE EXPERIENCED CEN MIGHT:

• struggle to trust people
• hide parts of themselves
• feel shameful about wanting love, connection or affection
• not feel safe when close to people (abandonment wounding)
• push people away
• struggle to communicate what they feel
• be uncomfortable when their partner is emotional
• be highly avoidant
• believe that taking space is scary, wrong, or bad
• tell people they’re 'fine' when they’re not
  -struggle asking for help

HEALING CEN INVOLVES REPARENTING YOURSELF:

1. LEARNING TO CONNECT TO YOUR BODY:

Identify sensations in your body and name them: "my chest feels tight."

2. LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND YOUR OWN NEEDS:

Adults who’ve experienced CEN were forced to disconnect from their needs, reparent yourself by asking yourself "what do I need right now?" on a regular basis. Tune into you.

3. ASK FOR YOUR NEEDS TO BE MET:

This will feel awkward and scary at first, but in order to get our needs met we have to communicate them. Safe, healthy people can hold space for our needs and have interest in them getting met.

4. BE THERE FOR YOUR INNER CHILD:

CEN is one of the most painful human experiences, be there for the child part of you that feels hurt and rejected. Remind yourself you’re safe, do things that feel good for you and grieve what you wish you had.

In the toxic family system, the healthiest person causes friction. They create resistance in the familiar dynamics and other members become uncomfortable, if family members are unwilling to see their role this person can become the scapegoat.

"People are inherently good, people in pain with unresolved trauma who feel hopeless act within survival mode. They become impulsive, hurtful and desperate. We have to show people their inherit goodness, it’s the truth of who we are."

Why are so many of us depressed and anxious? Our spiritual needs are almost completely ignored in our society, 6 Core Spiritual Needs:

1. TO BELONG

We need to belong to something greater than ourselves, we need to find community, people who resonate with us and we need to feel as though what we bring to other matters.

2. AUTHENTIC EXPRESSION

The ability to fully be ourselves and speak our truths. We need to feel that we don’t have to self censor or mask who we are, what we think and what we feel.

3. PURPOSE

We need to feel as though we’re doing something that contributes to the greater good, this can be parenting, serving others, being a part of a team or anything else where we have a hand in making life better for those around us.

4. FREEDOM

Free will. An ability to choose for ourselves that leads to overall confidence, self trust and autonomy. Humans feel most spiritually bankrupt when they lack choice.

5. MEANING

Life has much suffering and joy, our brain is a natural storyteller that is always creating meaning around events for a reason. We need meaning to know that our suffering isn’t in vein and is instead something we can grow from.

6. TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

Love is the truth of who we are. We need to love others, love ourselves and we need to be loved. This is our natural state of mutual giving, sharing and accepting.

WE ARE = MIND, BODY AND SOUL

When our spiritual needs aren't met, we go into survival mode.

• We’re meant to thrive, not just survive
• We’re meant to use our gifts
• We’re meant to provide value to others

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Yevhn Gertz (Directed)
• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Hofflér Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by "Pierro-luccá Schofield" / Emmanuel Piero-luccá Schofield (Model)
• In collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See