MIND-fuck: “The Backwards Law” [Part. One]

Written by Andi Bazaar, Yevhn Gertz, Timothée Freimann Schofield and Emir Ash-Shiddiq Tendean

“How toxic energy and negativity is lauded and why do people find it so entertaining?” — I’ve dealt with bullies and the impact of bullying can have life or death outcomes. Bullying destroys lives and can ultimately lead to self harm or suicide, bullying is so destructive and corrosive it should never be tolerated. — “Kurt Müller”

A year ago today I made the worst decision ever I’ll never forgive myself no matter how I look at it.

“I forgive myself for every time I let anyone makes me feel less than good enough, the only person to forgive for feeling less is me. So I took the responsibility for how I feel about myself.”

Throughout life, I’ve had people tell me that I can’t, I won’t and I shouldn’t — based on how I express myself, what I believe in and also how I look. I’ve learnt to first pause, then forgive and then be indifferent because someone else’s limitations are not mine and never will be.

“learning to forgive myself for how i used to treat myself, i deserve kindness not more anger.”

When I say we’re on good terms I mean my conscience is clear and I can go to sleep at night knowing I’m at peace with myself and how I handled the situation from start to finish. I forgive and forget, yes but I’m move on. Your good terms are between you and God.

• How does a person learn to forgive themself for taking over 40 years to figure out how to live?
• How do you learn to see the value in what would appear to have been a wasted life?

The Me: “You Can’t See” (The Answers):

• A wasted life would be the one that never recognized they had things to learn.
• You just have to figure out that the regrets were really lessons in disguise.
• Nothing learned is a waste, just make sure you take note going forward. How do you forgive, you accept it and move on and stop criticising yourself.
• What I’ve managed to do most of the time is to focus on what I was able to do despite my illness and use that time to inspire my life as a storyteller. My point: “our journey takes us all kinds of ways and it’s important to be kind and remember what those experiences taught.”
• In my own experience, I think of it as “I didn’t know.” If I’d known back then that, like everyone else, I could ask for what I wanted and that I deserved better, I would’ve but I didn’t know. Being angry with myself for not having known then would be like being angry with my 3 year-old-self for not having known how to read. Whatever it took, I eventually figured it out. I know it now and that’s what matters.
• I think it really depends on how much you like yourself at the end of it all, I forgive myself as often as possible. It’s how I move forward.
• Eventually, I realized that no one really “gets it” and everyone is trying to play catch up in way or another. So, I just try to be as deliberately and deliriously mortal as I can be, always remembering that in the end I only answer to myself for it all.
• Sometimes I think like that but then I have to stop myself and reframe my narrative, failures are lessons and doors closed are windows open. It doesn’t fix things but it helps me lose regrets.
• You haven’t had a wasted life, you have learned from experience what sort of life you want. Nothing is wasted you always learn something from everything. Now you know what you want you can make changes and move forward.

The Me: “You Can See” (The Answers):

• You don’t need to forgive yourself because we don’t have a manual or rule book, what you see as wasted got you to this point. It’s society that fools us in to thinking we’ve wasted time or experience or opportunity. Doesn’t matter because it can’t be changed. “Vera Wang” designed her first dress at 40, many people just got going at our age. Just move forward with some grace for yourself and live!
• Three ways. Some people never figure it out so props to me, everything I did led me to this so changing anything might have made me miss the mark. “Get busy living or get busy dying,” — I don’t want to waste the next 40 years angry or depressed now that I finally succeeded.
• What you think needs forgiving, actually is a triumph. Most people never figure it out or only figure it out by habit. You’re doing it consciously, welcome to this next stage in your life.

a) You have wasted nothing, you have been learning this entire time.

b) Package up what you have learned from your experience and sell it to that 20 something who needs to hear it but has no one to guide her.

c) Figuring out how to live is a process, not a destination.

• By negating the past which is only memories. The past, therefore is not something that can be travelled back to. Nor is it something you can learn from, you learn something through anticipation of the future which, paradoxically like the past is only images too.
• Valuing the past over the future is only going to make it worse, it’s ok to regret and ponder what might have been but don’t dwell. Take the day for what it is and plan the rest of your life since you can’t undo the previous 40 years.

“I’m so quick to lose what was never mine to keep and I cannot stand on what’s broken under me and I don’t know how to forgive myself for everything but I must learn trust.”

I’ve learnt an awful lot this year, I finally learnt to accept that my depression isn’t my fault. It doesn’t make me a failure, weak or selfish.

I learnt that I’m enough and learnt how to forgive myself.

I learnt that I’m also deserving of the kindness I so readily give to everyone else in my life.

I learnt that it can get better.

I learnt to hold onto hope. This year was all about survival, but I survived and now I’m ready to thrive. So, excited for the next chapter of my life.

My name is “Kurt Müller” and I’m 34 years old, this is my come out story.

I grew up in a religious family and I’m still live with them. I always think if I come out to my parents, obviously they will not accept it — but “what if I come out to my friend? Do they still accept me?” — “if they accept me, how will it change my life?”

I do give hints to my friends, idk whether they ignore it or pretend nothing happened. “Do I have to live like usual without telling them?”

I remember someone I know said, “if friends don’t accept you after you come out, they aren’t good friends and people to begin with. have no fear, you have a big loving queer family right here.”

There’s a moment my co-worker asked me if I’m gay, and said she’s ok with it. I always felt that trust is important, so coming out to close friends gotta have that trust that they’re accepting of you. It’s going to be a dangerous line to tread because you’re worried about the acceptance, so for me if I’m confident that the person is ok with gays or already guessed anyway and is clearly ok with it I’ll tell them.

I’m fortunate to have a group of friends who accept me when I came out to them, they didn’t think it was strange. Tbh, since I prefer men more atm, it’s just like I’m straight. My manager is OK, but I know not everyone is as fortunate as I am. I’d say gauge the audience first.

I don’t regret in my decisions to come out, I am thankful having a support system and battle plan before coming out is the only best possible option a person can do if everything goes south.

“Was coming out a bed of roses? A mixed bag of good, the bad and the ugly.” — “Was it worth the risk?” If it makes the Malay community able to discuss LGBTQIA+ topics and stirs conversation, yes it is worth the risk.

Planning ahead is a good thing, it is after all a calculated risk but I am not asking everyone to start immediately. By understanding your circumstances, knowing your support system and your resources available will pave the way.

(Highly second this):

“Don’t just come out to people you’re dependent on without A plan B, it might put you in a really bad place.”

Back in 2011 I’m out to my friends first, not to my family, my friends accept me and I’m so thankful for them. I did come out to two of my close cousins, one of them was fine with it but I think the other one just ignored it or forgot about it. I’m not coming out to anymore family members.

I think my brother suspects that I’m not straight, there were a few times where he said I’d date a girl before switching it to boy. Idk, maybe one day I’ll tell him. Family is a little bit harder and you might end up being in a hostile environment afterwards. Stay safe, please.

A few years ago I told my parents that I was gay and their reaction was bad. Honestly, just wait till you’re ready to come out. Maybe try coming out to your friends first, they’ll probably accept you for who you are. There was a moment, sometimes the whole world doesn’t need to know who you are, just a significant other that means for you. My mom reaction surprised me tbh I didn’t expect that and I cried a lot inside, I meant “this is it,” — the whole things you keep for years and heavy things inside just burst up and yeah.

So yeah, more relieve, lighter, brighter because you walk as who you are now. You don’t need validation or acceptance by people anymore because you already accept yourself and that’s enough, I know some people still denial of me and still makes a distance and I am ok with that.

I don’t need that kind of friends anyway but when they need me I will be there, and thanks God my workplace now accept this even support, but my coworkers? Idk and idc. It’s not about the world, it’s about you and you know what? You still could have faith in God and be who you are in the same time, no matter what people say, it’s about the connection between you and God not others even if you know you are getting into hell (meanwhile nobody knows anyway) at least you do as a good human.

I’m openly gay among the people I know but I’m terrified of people now and have lost nearly all my friends and my family just think it’s a phase but eventhough there are times I regret it I’m glad I’m not living a fake life where I’m not me. I don’t know if it was worth it tho.

In 2013 I’m out to pretty much all my friends. Family and co-workers are a different thing, though, I know my brother is accepting and my dad probably has suspicions. My mom, on the other hand, is extremely conservative. “Gay” is foreign to her. Job wise, it has definitely affected me.

My previous colleagues are extremely homophobic, they even had a whole conversation with my boss about how “gay sex is disgusting” and how they think gay men are perverts. It was an extremely uncomfortable situation, glad I’m elsewhere now. I live in homophobic surrounding, so come out is not the best idea but I did explained to them about LGBTQIA+ people “the discrimination.”

“How did they react when you told them about the discrimination we face?”

(The answer):

“Some of them condemn it, they are against the discrimination but they cant accept our society as something normal.”

We live in a world that celebrates being white, male and heterosexual above all else. This has not made it easy for us as black men to come out as “gay” in a world that worships heteronormativity. It’ll be twice as hard for me to come out as I have always have a hard time accepting the fact that I’m both gay and plhiv. Not easy. I personally believe that I need to come to terms with my own fate, to fully accept me for who I am before I can come out to anyone ever.

We must remember that in many countries, gays are jailed for being gay. Some cultures and communities cast out LGBTQIA+ people. Judging those who come out is precisely why people stay in the closet as long as they do, I know gays who were married with kids.

, it’s not easy. I had LGBTQIA+ peers in the legal profession, but they had to hide it for fear of losing their job. The concern was always that partners and clients would refuse to work with LGBTQIA+ lawyers. That fear now extends to lawyers with anxiety, depression are bipolar etc.

Right now, I’m lucky that my immediate family and my friends are accepting so i’m already privileged to have the option to come out safely. I have a group of LGBTQIA+ friends and we 100% accept and support each other so I count myself lucky. On behalf of all our team, be proud of who you are and the love you’ve shared or held dear to your heart. No matter your journey in life or discoveries you’ve yet to embrace, love being you.

(Whoever gets this note):

“You are wonderful, valid and loved. It’s okay to feel sad or be in a bad mood, don’t let anyone tell you how to feel.”

I am proud of you for getting up and taking on the day today, I love you and I am proud of you for who you are, no matter what.

You are worthy in someone’s life no matter what happens, there’s someone out there grateful for your existence and you mean so much to someone out there. Be proud of who you are and love yourself.

Forgiveness is something I really struggle with, the person that is taking the longest time to forgive is myself. “What helped you forgive yourself?”

Finding out and accepting I was not straight at a young age was no problem for me, however I’ve been struggling with my gender identity for a while now — not because I wouldn’t accept myself but because I have no idea of who I am.

Personally, this is my first pride month. Last year I was really struggling with accepting and sharing my sexuality with others. Now that I have though, I’ve never felt more myself and I cannot wait to heal, grow, and love unapologetically and for those of you that are wondering and just love slapping labels on things.

I identify myself as Pansexual: meaning I become attracted and emotionally attached to someone’s personality on a deeper level, their soul. Regardless the gender you may identify with.

I’ve always said the life of an LGBTQIA+ person is in 3 levels:

Years of coming to accepting yourself

Finding acceptance in your family and friends

Finding acceptance from the community

Ironically, 3 is the hardest to achieve (if at all). People expect people to be more than people. There is bullying in all communities from within and outside it, there are gay people who are awful people but also never seen anyone being bullied cause they are too tall or smooth or skinny.

Bullied or ignored or not given a chance or not seen as equal or an option, don’t get stuck on linguistics! There is wonderful support and liberation to be found in the LGBTQIA+ community, which still has a long way to go to be more inclusive. Human nature is human nature regardless of sexuality or anything else for that matter, its what makes humans great and shit at the same time

Many talk about :

“acceptance, beauty coming in all colors and forms, body positivity but they act the opposite on dating medias.”

They preach one thing in public and but practice the opposite in private, we are a diverse group that cuts across many socio-economic lines. What unites us is the hatered of others directed toward us, we are typically defined by what we are not “love everyone” is hard to do when we don’t love ourselves. Let’s all do better, peace and love y’all

If you ever loose who you are, it’s never too late to find yourself again and when you stumble across the person who you used to be, they will be so happy to see you. It’s hard to be yourself when some people don’t accept the real you! Be you, stay true to yourself, be proud of who you are.

A reminder that you don’t have to have a solid idea of who you are to be LGBTQIA+, your identity can be on a spectrum. It can be vague, y owe no one specifics and your reasons for identifying with something are your own.

Too many people feel pressured to be 100% in how they feel about their identity and fit neatly into boxes, but the beauty in being LGBTQIA+ is that there’s no concrete boxes. Much like a cat, you literally fit wherever you sit and you can change! You can experiment with new things while trying the figure yourself out. You can change your name, pronouns and your label as many times as you want. There are no rules, this journey will always be yours to navigate how you wish.

4 years ago I thought I was agender, 3 years ago I was CIS. Now I’m auti-gender and neuroqueer and Bi and queer. Who knows what the future holds for me and my understanding of myself, I don’t owe anyone 100% certainty because NO ONE is 100% on everything with themselves.

Nothing can be more empowering than becoming comfortable in your skin, being at peace with your past with who you are and knowing that the best version of you is always being created when you do things with the sole intention of being selfless and for God.

There’s a reason “tell me who you’re friends with and i’ll tell you who you are,” is a phrase that exists. Who you choose to be friends with is a reflection of who you are, if you have no problem being close to someone who offends minorities and doesn’t make the effort to learn and understand why what they said/did is wrong, chances are you too don’t understand why what your friend did is wrong and you too won’t make the effort to research and educate yourself.

Remember this, “no matter who you are, what your social status, how much money you have and how you acquired it, who you oppressed — always be proud of who you are and never let anyone tell you different.”

In the not too distant future, we will stand in front of the mightiest of judges and be held accountable for it all. Always be proud of who you are and never let anyone tell you different. Each and every day you are presented with a choice that will determine who you are and who you will become, “do you choose to be selfless and do the right thing or do you choose to be someone who only cares for themselves?” — You always have the choice to be the difference.

Be true to who you are today and everyday, don’t belittle yourself by anyone and have the courage to be who you are. Remember never be afraid to be who you are and never let anyone bring you down, stand loud and proud. No matter where you are in the world, there will always be someone who loves you and accepts for who you are.

Own who you are, proud to represent everyone out there who is fighting a battle to be accepted and loved for being yourself. Be you, do you and for you.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

Andi Bazaar (Writer)

Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)

Yevhn Gertz (Director of Photography/Co-writer)

dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)

dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)

dr Khaan, MD (Consulting)

Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed/Co-writer)

Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)

Scott Wynné Schofield (Publicist)

Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)

Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)

Hugo-licharré Freimann (Ass. Director)

Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph

In appearance by “Kurt Müller” (Model)

Thanks to, Shawn McKenzie (Production Team) and Emir Ash-Shiddiq Tendean (Co-writer)

In collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See (TMYCSUK)