Limitless: Escape Disappointment

Written by Andi Bazaar, Pierro-luccá Schofield, Yevhn Gertz, Gryffen Seth, Henrie Louis Friedrich and Tydalé-Oliver Schofield | Sept 29, 2023

"It has become very easy for me to understand that vengeance is not mine and life is much simpler when you don’t find the need to amplify your side of the story, God put people in your life for a reason and saved me from a lot of pain and heartache. I’m good and I’m at peace, it’s finished and never happened."

Pierro-luccá Schofield / Photo by Timothée-freimann Schofield

Let’s talk about something positive today, I want to talk about what we regain when our mental health gets better. We often focus on things we lose when our mental health deteriorates but what we regain as we recover feels so wonderful, let’s get started!

The main thing we regain is access to our physical health. Gone are the constant digestive issues, the bloating, the pain, the constipation, diarrhea and constant nausea. Gone are the aches, muscle pain, shortness of breath and fast heartbeat all of a sudden.

We often don’t realize how closely intertwined our physical and mental health are until we experience it. Once it is gone, the improvement of both physical and mental health feels like heaven. Another thing that improves a lot is our memory.

All these childhood memories we thought we lost, those small moments and past details that make up our autobiography and life history are wonderful to get back. We also start to remember more clearly times when we were happy, we also form new memories more easily.

We regain our productivity, a sense of purpose and goals in our life. We can focus again on our hobbies and social life because we are no longer as anchored by the intense emotions or complete numbness, it helps us feel as if we can tackle challenges that come our way.

Our perception of our environment may change, colours may appear brighter and more vibrant. We notice more of our environment because we are no longer inside our minds, the feelings of dissociation go away leaving us feeling as if we belong in our environment.

We also regain the ability to think more logically, our intrusive thoughts and fear no longer rule us and keep us on our toes for a supposed danger. We feel a little safer and more at ease with our surroundings.

Our taste buds and smell improve, we can taste food better and enjoy the nice smells more because our body is more attuned to the environment around us rather than in survival mode where those things are not considered important.

We feel ready to discover new things, when we are anxious the idea of change is paralyzing. When that goes away, we feel like we do new things more easily. It no longer take 90% of our energy just to face something new. Instead it starts to feel like an adventure.

• We appreciate our self-care and overall health better and don’t take them for granted because we know what it can be like to lose them.
• We value ourselves more and become better at establishing boundaries to preserve our new found recovery.

Those are a few things out of many that we can get back when we recover and anyone can recover, whenever you need motivation to get started with your treatment, come back to this topic to remind yourself that these are things that can be regained.

Let’s talk a deeper look at imposter syndrome.

• why we may be experiencing it?
• what we can do about it and how we can understand it better?

At its core, imposter syndrome is a matter of conditioning. It has nothing to do with our actual skills.

• We feel as though we got to where we are by accident even if it is something that took us years of work/study to get there.
• We feel inadequate compared to others who perform the same job and that someday someone will realize that and kick us out or tell the whole word about it.

We see other people being confident and feeling like they know what they are doing as opposed to us, we are not sure whether it stems from anxiety or whether deep down we may be right and not good enough. So why may we feel that way?

It mostly has to do with experiences we have gone through in the past. For example, women who work in certain are more likely to feel imposter syndrome because they were told they couldn’t do it or weren’t good enough (especially sciences, engineering, etc…).

Other times, it could be because we are minorities in a workplace and therefore have that feeling of inferiority. It could also be due to the fact that we were raised in a household where there wasn’t a lot of validation or praise when it came to things we did well.

Let’s say we grew up in a house where good things weren’t complimented/praised, but bad things got a reaction. We are more likely to think that the good things we did were accidents and the bad things intentional. Therefore, when we do something well we don’t acknowledge it.

Therefore, we are only waiting for the next time we will screw up because that’s how it usually went when we were growing up. Doing many things well just meant that we are getting closer to a mistake, therefore being closer to being yelled at or hit.

This creates a cycle of feeling low even when everything is going well and feeling inadequate no matter how much positive feedback we are receiving, because we are not used to it and feel that it could be out of pity that other people compliment our work.

The imposter syndrome may also be completely unrelated to work. For example, we may see friends getting married and having children and we feel inadequate because we are not there yet, especially because it comes with judgment from parents or community.

That means that no matter how well we are in other areas of our life, it doesn’t matter as long as we are getting judged for that other area where we are feeling inadequate. Furthermore, even within the same families, upbringings are going to be vastly different.

For example, let’s take two siblings (a brother and sister.)

• The brother may be getting praised and told how special he is and the great work he is going to do someday and the daughter is told about learning household chores and marrying a good husband someday.
• The sister may be much smarter and actually have a better career than her brother, but she will feel imposter syndrome because she didn’t have that validation about how well she would do as opposed to her brother who was taught to have that confidence in his abilities.

SO, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?

In order to reduce/eliminate imposter syndrome, we need to unlearn the underlying causes which usually are the way we were raised. By unlearning each of them one by one, in a therapy setting or even by ourselves we reduce that lack of confidence.

A big part of why we feel inferior is because even though we know that we belong and deserve to be where we are in a logical way, the barrier comes from the emotional side and that internalized toxicity we learned. It is by challenging it and unlearning it that helps the most.

Furthermore, some of the very people who brainwashed us growing up may still be around and mean a lot to us. For example, if we resist the upbringing that we had, then it means realizing that parents didn’t have the best intentions and were wrong.

For some people, it may be difficult to realize that because we don’t want to see our parents in another light. However, by doing so we live in that stage of cognitive dissonance in between those two worlds and imposter syndrome is the bridge that connects those two worlds.

We can love people in our life and realize that they were deeply wrong about something, or engaged in toxic behaviours. It doesn’t mean you have to stop loving them if you don’t want to. However, it is going to mean establishing strong boundaries.

Parents can often reawaken that imposter syndrome through certain things they say or certain judgments because of the toxic behaviours they may display. When we refuse to engage because we don’t want to reinforce those behaviours in them, they will slowly stop talking about it.

These are all things that can be worked out in therapy as well, while imposter syndrome is not an official diagnosis it falls under anxiety disorders and depression through low self-esteem and therapies made for depression/anxiety can help vastly.

I hope that this part was able to clarify imposter syndrome, where it comes from and what we can do about it. No one gets to where they are in their life/careers by accidents especially when you had to fight racism and even misogyny from your own family.

Let’s talk about the importance of what happened in our childhood, why we need to process the traumas that occurred then and how it can help us for our long-term wellbeing. Infancy and early childhood contain some of the most critical parts of our development.

These include but not limited to emotions, attachment, exploring environment and how we view the world because of the young age in which all these factors occur they will be heavily influenced by our caregivers + how they treat us and how they approach their environment.

There have been many studies that show toddlers before the age of 1 are able to read their caregivers’ emotions and it makes sense. We are helpless at that time and rely fully on our caregivers for all aspects of survival. If they are anxious or depressed, we will mirror that.

Since that attachment is the most fundamental piece of our development, it can get stunted pretty early. For example, if an infant is left to cry (because they are just being fussy), it teaches the toddler that their needs will not be met.

Given that the toddler doesn’t feel secure in their attachment with their caregivers, they will start developing either an anxious attachment where they feel afraid to explore or be separated from their caregivers or an avoidant attachment style in which they don’t care anymore.

While we cannot remember these periods of our life, the same patterns continue to the time we start to be fully aware and form long term memories. For example, were our caregivers in tune with our needs:

• did they ignore us or punish us?
• did they hit us or scare us into submission?

All these traumas and aggressions stick with us and influence our mental health way into adulthood, if we felt unsafe in our home environment or not supported we likely feel the same way in our friendships and relationships.

If every time we were happy, our caregivers told us bad things are going to happen so don’t get too excited then we will learn to smother our happiness because it is a sign of upcoming bad events. It is important to go back to our childhood moments and journal about them.

The memories that we have serve a purpose, none of our memories occur by accidents. The save button of our brain is emotion, the stronger the emotion the more likely the memory is to be strong and vivid. All our memories have emotions attached to them.

When we explore them and truly look at them, we can start to identify these patterns, this is especially beneficial if done with a therapist who can show us that it is okay to accept these memories and to be guide and validate us for any emotion that we show when we remember.

We tend to separate/create artificial chapters in life. For example, we were children, then teenagers then young adults, etc but the reality is more that of a building — where everything stacks on top of each other. If the foundation is not strong, the building collapses.

In fact, it has been theorized that the reason why we go through mental health breakdowns is because the mind tries to make everything collapse so that we can start with a stronger foundation and that it is a function that our brains use as a form of reset button.

Many forms of therapy such as "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy" (CBT) focus mainly on the present and recent past and they are very efficient, but it is important to also incorporate elements of processing childhood traumas for long lasting results.

The more aware and we process our childhood in a healthy way, the more we can learn to love ourselves, let go of the shame or feeling that we are somehow inferior and our dependency on others for love and validation. It is an arduous path and one that is not easy.

It requires us to face the very same monsters in our minds that we have tried running away from and ignoring but done safely and with people who support us unconditionally, it can pave the way for a form of recovery that is more solid and longer lasting.

I hope that this part helped shed light on why it is important to process our childhood and the traumas, attachment styles with caregivers and other experiences that happened in order to help our mental health and change unhealthy patterns we may have picked up.

RECOGNIZING SIGNS OUR MENTAL HEALTH

Let’s talk about recognizing signs that our mental health is not doing well, ee often delay treatment because we think it may be something else or because we feel we may be overreacting. While signs will look different for every person, there are common trends.

The first one and it sounds silly to even mention it but it is to trust our instinct, we are usually good at noticing trends in our moods and thoughts. If those changes last for a while, then those changes may be an indication of a mental health issue happening.

Our energy levels also go down a lot, going through our day is much more difficult whether it is work, chores, food intake, sleep. It seems like every aspect of our life is changing and we don’t know why it is happening, it takes us longer to do everything.

We may feel as though we are “lazy” and simply going through a slump but laziness doesn’t exist, it is an indication of either a burnout or mental health issues completely reducing our productivity and our ability to sustain pressure.

We are also more sensitive to issues around our environment, whether it is sounds, sights, etc… it may feel as though things are too dull or too overwhelming. This can lead us to withdraw more from our usual environment because it can be too much to take in.

We may withdraw from our social circle or families because every moment is draining even phone calls or text messages are too much. We get irritated by the smallest of triggers because we don’t have the energy to let go of them.

Our physical health can also decline, especially digestive issues. This is because our brains and gut are very linked, this means that as soon as our mental health gets worse.

• We may get constipation, diarrhea, bloating and a host of other issues.
• We may start getting more headaches even flu like symptoms or increases in energy.

This is because our mental health also has an impact on our hormone system and our immune system. However, it is always a good idea to have a physical check up to rule out anything else.

We may find ourselves daydreaming more and zoning out a lot throughout our day, we can’t focus on conversations or even movies/books that we are trying to pay attention to. This inability to sustain attention is a strong indicator that we are completely drained.

Self-doubt and feeling like our confidence is gone are hallmarks of mental health issues, we start to second guess everything and not trust ourselves.

• We may spend more energy just looking at our emails for mistakes or things at work because we don’t trust ourselves anymore.
• We may feel as though our memories are gone, especially the good ones. Our brains act like a network, when we are experiencing a certain mood our brain is more likely to remember other times we felt like that. It may feel as though our whole identity is changing.

However, this is temporary and things will get back to normal once we recover. Another indication that we may not be doing well is feeling numb. "For some people it sets in quickly, for others it can take a long time. This is a brain mechanism to shut things down."

Our brains do that to stop ourselves from feeling those intense emotions. However, the side effect is that we feel as though we are a zombie and not feeling anything. Our brains will lift the numbness up from time to time, but if things don’t get better it comes back.

This is by no means a complete list and there are hundreds more things that can go in here but it is a start of common trends, better be safe than sorry. If you are not feeling well, seek help even if it turns out to be something small.

BOUNDARIES

Let’s talk about boundaries again, they are so important but it is something that we feel so guilty establishing especially in our households where parents/family members may not take it well. However, they are important for our mental health wellbeing.

In our culture, boundaries are not seen in a good light. They are seen as ways to disconnect with those around us rather than a tool that reduces stressors and triggers. Usually, parents will have tons of rules and even boundaries but kids are not allowed to.

This allows people around us to ask too much of us, to comment on our bodies, marital status, jobs, etc…essentially creating an endless loop of low self-esteem and guilt that can further worsen our mental health and capacity to deal with those stressors.

Boundaries are important because they solve problems, rather than thinking about what boundaries we should establish. Let’s look at it another way, let’s look at the main problems that we have with other people. We can start by writing down a list that includes people around us.

It doesn’t matter who those people or how much we love them even well meaning people that are kind can overstep boundaries if they don’t know what they are. By writing down that list of triggers and problems with each person in our life, it offers a valuable insight.

The boundaries that we will then establish will look at solving those problems. For example, let’s say I am asked to clean too often, then an important boundary is going to be establishing a more equal cleaning schedule with others in the house.

If other people comment on my body, then an important boundary will be to let them know that this is not okay and to be firm on it. However, we can only control our own actions and not that of other people, so the most important tool that we need to focus on is enforcement.

Behaviours are heavily influenced by reinforcement, if I talk about something and the other person or gets a reaction then I may feel as though I am winning that argument and are more likely even subconsciously to keep coming back to that topic.

However, if I am ignored or the person barely replies I might get frustrated. This is what enforcement means, we don’t give ammunition or reactions to triggering topics in order to get the people around us to stop bringing it up. This is something that is within our control.

The hardest part of enforcing new boundaries is the beginning. People don’t like change, especially not change that reduces their privilege. They wonder why suddenly this person is becoming more assertive and they will use it as an opportunity to lash out.

Most people give up when establishing boundaries with other people and those people guilt them, become angry with them or even start crying or become sad but this is where we know it is working. We removed a privilege that the other person had over us and they didn’t like it.

Those behaviours are them trying new strategies to keep those privileges over us. Therefore, it is important to continue with enforcing our boundaries because after that initial outburst, people get used to the boundaries and slowly stop talking about those triggering topics.

That initial hurdle is definitely the hardest, especially when they come to parents. Many parents have an implicit/explicit idea of ownership over their children and will lash out with new boundaries but like everyone else they will get used to them even if it takes longer.

Please implement important boundaries as soon as you can. Although it can be difficult at first, the peace of mind and psychological boost in having some control over our triggers is well worth it. Don’t hesitate to do it even with partners or friends who may overstep.

I hope that this part helped clarify how we can approach boundaries.

BEHAVIOURS/DYNAMICS

Let’s talk about behaviours or dynamics that are normalized that can be detrimental to our mental health. There are a lot of toxic behaviours that we may have grown up with and kind of normalized despite the fact that they can be bad for our mental health.

One of the main ones is yelling to get our point across. Oftentimes, we may feel like we don’t have a voice or say and so observe parents or other people around us yelling so we may get into that habit ourselves to be heard or to feel like we have a voice.

However, that can be bad because it creates a dynamic where anger can be expressed through yelling and can be destructive to relationships and friendships in our life. Another common behaviour is passive aggressiveness, to be honest sometimes I am guilty of that too.

Growing up in households where we feel we don’t have a voice or can’t express ourselves or emotions properly we may resort to passive aggressiveness as a form of revenge or to express our anger in a way that remains calm. However, other people pick up on that.

By being passive aggressive, we are not solving any problems or having a real discussion about our emotions but rather creating an environment where it is simply about getting back to other people. Something very common as well is not respecting boundaries.

We often confuse boundaries with not loving the other person but it can’t be further from the truth, boundaries are simply ways to protect our mental health and has nothing to do with how much we love people around us even the healthiest relationships need boundaries.

By not creating boundaries, we normalize invasions of privacy and making people feel on edge and unsafe in their own relationships and households. It is constantly a process of finding ways to keep some semblance of privacy and nervous about it.

It also leads to frustration and lack of trust to people around us, let’s normalize boundaries because they are conclusive to healthy relationships. Another common issue that we normalize is not allowing friendships between boys and girls when they are growing up.

This is very important because it allows for even more objectification, misogyny and other issues. For a culture that is so repressive of sex, we sure do go out of our way to think about it and prevent it in ways that are mind blowing.

Not allowing friendships, relationships: (seriously, we have people from our own countries that we don’t know much about or fear because all we know about them are myths and propaganda) — let’s normalize having friends from all cultures and religions.

Not talking about mental health: (this is an obvious one.) Mental health doesn’t register as anything important, we are pressured to do well at school, find good matches, earn good money, yet we don’t learn a thing about being happy or at peace.

Without mental health issues being solved:

• we can’t be good at our jobs
• we can’t be happy
• we can’t live our relationships and friendships to their fullest and simply not have a good day to day life

There are so many options to improve our mental health, let’s use them!

There are tons more, but these are the ones that are so prevalent across pretty much most households. I will update this or write another one to continue adding to it and I hope everyone is having a good weekend x

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography/Co-writer)
• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst/Co-writer)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo+licharré Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by "Pierro-luccá Schofield" / Emmanuel Piero-luccá Schofield (Model/Co-writer)
• In collaboration with "The Me You Can’t See UK" (TMYCSUK) / @tmycsuk