Freedom: “As Opposed To Choice” (Chapter. 4)

Written by Andi Bazaar, Tydalé-Oliver Schofield | Dec 29, 2023

"Those silent battles you fought, setbacks you overcame, dark lonely nights when you had to wipe your own tears and pat yourself on the back. You have every fucking right to be proud of yourself and be proud of how you handle this year."

Tydalé-Oliver Schofield / Photographed by Timothée-freimann Schofield / MHMTID© 2023

There is such a thing as “kind” abuse where someone may not get mad or abusive in the more obvious sense but what they say or do is harmful to our self-esteem, where they break boundaries on purpose and constantly make sure that we feel worse. This can be so hard to notice!

We may even feel that we are the ones who are problematic because we react to it and made to feel worse when we resist or display emotions to that form of abuse, support from loved ones or friends can also be non existent because they may have a hard time understanding!

Everything counts double right now, you took a shower today double rewards. You ate and slept, double the pride. Focusing on your mental health during this global crisis deserves more praise and validation than at any other time. Way to go everyone, you are all the best.

Respect your elders no matter what is one of the worst things from our culture, just because someone is older doesn’t mean they are nice or worthy of respect. The fact that people will believe elders over younger people perpetuates a system of abuse.

For many survivors of abuse, there is the feeling that perhaps we did something to aggravate the abuser or that we could have done something better. Know that there is never an excuse in any situation, no matter how heated the argument or how angry the other person was.

We want to protect the reputation of a parent or a partner who engaged in these behaviours but by doing that we diminish our own trauma and end up gaslighting ourselves because if they were not responsible for their actions, it means we were, which can make the trauma worse.

LET’S TALK ABOUT STEREOTYPES FROM A PSYCHOLOGICAL PERSPECTIVE

We live in a world that is increasingly eager to apply stereotypes and weaponize them to control and subjugate some minorities, stereotypes in this situation means to group individuals or objects together based on certain shared qualities.

In many situations, we have to stereotype certain things. One of the best examples are trees, if we gave a name and individualized every tree on the planet, we don’t have the capacity to do that. So we say trees have leaves, wood, give us oxygen and it is helpful because we don’t have to individualize them.

The closer we get to humans in terms of shared qualities, the more we individualize. Dogs, cats, dolphins, etc tend to become individuals after more than one interaction. We give them names and see them as unique.

When it comes to humans, it gets tricky. We use groups to define ourselves and stereotype ourselves, mostly good stereotypes. As a Moroccan, I can easily say that our food is one of the best. As a Canadian, I easily accept that we are very polite.

The risk comes when we stereotype and assign qualities to others, especially others that we don’t know well. Those qualities we assign usually stem from ignorance, because we don’t interact them much with them and we believe those stereotypes because that’s how we see the world.

• We didn’t speak about those bad stereotypes publicly, because it was bad, we thought them in silence. Then come people who enabled us to do it publicly. People like Trump, fascist regimes everywhere in the world. Suddenly, many people can express their stereotypes openly.
• We don’t see anything wrong about that. After all, it is us versus them. There are limited resources, we are good, they are bad, why not go a little further and just get rid of them? My leader seems to think that’s worth it.

Just because stereotyping can be helpful in certain occasions doesn’t mean that it is a tool that can be used in all circumstances and this is where empathy comes in again. With sympathy or compassion, we can choose to extend it only to our group to people we agree with.

With empathy, we can cross those group borders, think of individuals as individuals and putting ourselves in their shoes. When you hear the news and see that students were beat up, that families are separated at the US borders with kids in cages.

Don’t think of it as "kids in cages” but put yourself in that kid’s, family member’s mind where you lost your loved one because of stereotypes about you because some people think you are subhuman, the pain, trauma and helplessness that come with being in situations where you are powerless.

This is how we can bridge those differences across borders, we have tools such as the Internet to extend our empathy and help all over the world. We are no longer limited by what we can witness, we can use that as a tool to make our group better and to hold people accountable.

⚠️ TW: PHYSICAL ABUSE ⚠️

Let’s talk about the mental health impact of physical punishment. I include in it everything from slaps, pinches, hitting and all intensities. They all lead to mental health consequences, so let’s look at it from a mental health perspective.

First of all, it is important to realize that hitting is a parenting shortcut. Instead of taking the time to explain and convince kids about why something may be good or bad, we use physical punishment to stop them. So what do kids actually learn from it?

They learn to associate certain things with pain, for example:
"if i am hit everytime i step outside alone then slowly i am going to associate the outside world with that pain and start to fear it. it stops important development in kids to safely explore their environment."

Furthermore, it is a source of trauma and complex trauma. We may not remember every single time we are hit but every time we are hit, it has an impact on our mental health. We learn to fear parents, fear is not respect and it is not love.

It creates ambivalent forms of attachment where we know we need parents and they are the main form of socialization but we also want to be away from them because they are associated with that physical pain and fear. It is a dichotomy that results in a lot of anxiety.

Also, it normalizes violence. If I am hit at home I am more likely to see violence as a solution to certain problems and replicate that with peers or other people later on in life, it can be difficult to step away from that and we also may start to rationalize it.

I often see posts like: “I was hit and I turned out fine” and that sentence is paradoxical in many ways. Seeing being hit as being fine is already a bad thing, it is a form of intergenerational trauma continuing and being normalized.

We talked earlier about fearing parents because of hitting, what comes after years of fear? Resentment and anger.

I often hear clients tell me: “I am so angry with my parents and I don’t know why, even when they are nice to me.” this is a build up and pent up anger coming out.

We may not necessarily identify the source exactly when we are feeling that “not so irrational” anger and we may feel guilty for feeling it but it has a source and it can take time to heal from it. For those of us who were hit by parents, the best we can do is heal.

Heal meaningfully through therapy and unlearn these behaviours so that we don’t transfer it to another generation, we know the impact it had on us and the price we pay (both in our mental health and paying for therapy as adults).

It may take hours to convince a kid about something and talk to them through their behaviours and only a few seconds to hit them and be done with it, but we reap what we sow. Don’t then be mad when your kids only give you a few seconds when they are adults as well.

⚠️ TW: ABUSE ⚠️

Let's talk about recognizing signs of emotional abuse. For a lot of people, it can be hard to recognize those signs especially early on or we may not realize what they were until we have suffered under them and it affected our mental health.

For the most part, people who engage in a lot of emotional abuse won't show it at the very beginning. They need feelings to develop or an attachment to happen in order to be able to show those signs when it is harder for the other person to leave, it can also be progressive.

However, there are some ways to recognize those signs early on. One of the main ones is how these people talk about others they shared a relationship with in the past, if every ex was a bad person or every friendship has issues then it is generally a bad sign.

This is especially true for men who may badmouth women they have been it by calling them names that are not worth typing, that's a big red flag because it means that this man is likely to be the bad person here. They may be volatile even in their friendships.

They seemingly seem to lose friends quickly and get new ones quickly, this is because these friends may recognize the toxic tendencies of the person and leave them and they constantly have to integrate with new people that they want to use for one purpose or another.

It is also important to notice how they talk about others, specifically those they see as below their "station" are they mean to the wait staff in a restaurant, their cab driver, homeless individuals? That's a really bad sign because it shows they can't empathize with others.

Furthermore, they may become explosive at times when things don't go their way and then quickly try to regain their composure because they are still in the "impress" phase of the new relationship or friendship. They can also often make very inappropriate jokes.

• Playing the "devil's advocate" is also a bad sign, doing it from time to time is not a big red flag but if they are always defending racism, sexism, homophobia and other human rights under the guise of playing devil's advocate then it is a huge red flag.
• Being obsessed with money and power is also a big red flag, there is nothing bad about having ambition and wanting to earn more money but when they always compare their wealth to that of others or judge people simply because they are poorer or have less "power" then it is bad.

They may see the whole world as a power dynamic where they need to be on top, they see it as putting others down because it makes them feel like their status is elevated in exchange. These are some signs of a potentially emotional abuser.

If you notice too many of these signs or even your intuition saying that something is very wrong here, please trust your instincts. Don't disregard them or always say to yourself that you need to give this person the benefit of the doubt, you deserve to be safe.

Tydalé-Oliver Schofield / Photographed by Timothée-freimann Schofield / MHMTID© 2023

⚠️ TW: TRAUMA & ABUSE ⚠️

I want to talk about the freezing response we get when we are anxious/going through a traumatic event, it goes against the fight or flight response that we usually get and may make us feel weird as to why we freeze. Let’s dive into it!

It is important to realize that fight or flight responses occur mainly in situations similar to those we have gone through before, it offers us options and our brain knows what to do. However, there are some situations that are so scary or unexpected that we just shut down.

Sometimes, our brain may not find a way to fight or flee the danger so we freeze. This is because freezing can also have evolutionary advantages. A prey that doesn’t move is harder to see and track, when we freeze we also present no danger and may be overlooked.

So it is not an unusual response or something that is strange, furthermore in traumatic situations that repeat themselves. We may freeze because in the past, when we tried to fight or run away, the trauma was even worse.

We may know from past experiences that it is best to freeze and get it over with than do something that may anger the person or dangerous situation further, it may seem silly that we just froze or we may feel angry that we didn’t defend ourselves.

However in these situations logic doesn’t apply, we don’t have time to really think about it or do something. It is a huge primal and instinctive response, itt is only later on that we analyze the situations and think of other ways we could have handled it.

SO WHAT CAN WE DO?

Unfortunately, not too much. If we are in the same traumatic situation or with the same abusive people, we can start seeking to find other living options. If we are out of these but still freeze easily we can go to trauma therapy.

For the most part, it is hard to change these responses because they happen as a reflex as opposed to a choice. By recovering from our trauma though, our minds change the way they perceive dangers and may help us freeze less. I hope this helped a little!

One of the common responses whenever a discussion about why survivors of abuse pops up is, “why did they stay?” — let’s talk about why people may stay in those situations and how asking that question can actually be harmful. Please note, this final part may be triggering.

First of all in order to understand why people stay, it is important to understand how cycles of abuse are perpetuated. The first goal of the abuser is two fold:

• dependency on the abuser.
• isolation from other people when these points are present, it is so hard to leave.

For example, the abuser may be the one who has access to all the finances access to the kids or anything that would make it hard if not impossible to leave. Furthermore, the survivor may have been slowly isolated from all their loved ones by the abuser.

We see that a lot in relationships, the abuser typically slowly restricts the environment and social circle of the survivor by talking badly about them and pushing the survivor towards cutting ties. If this is successful, it creates a dependency on the only person left.

Another important point is that the survivor is often not even believed whenever they reach out for help, the police or family members may feel that the situation is exaggerated. There are also not many resources that allow survivors to leave and have shelter, access to needs.

Something else that tends to happen is that the abuser isn’t always in “abuse mode” — the survivor may feel stuck in the loop of wanting to help the abuser and complying in order not to trigger them, it may take a while to realize that this isn’t going to work.

Think of it as being under a spell, we are torn between the monster and the person we fell in love with. That’s why I always tell my clients all your feelings are valid, when we think of certain feelings as opposite, we try to ignore some of them to fit a narrative.

We can love someone who is awful and abusive to us and realize that we need to leave, when we invalidate the emotions of the survivor and shame them for those feelings we are essentially making it harder on the survivor to leave.

Let’s keep in mind that this may be the first time in years that they reached out for help. The fear, uncertainty and trauma is so high. If they reach out and are met with judgment and invalidation, they may withdraw and stay even longer because the unknown is so scary.

They may even be met by suspicion, who would stay in these situations? Guess what, pretty much everyone. There is a reason why it works so well and abusers continue to exist and be successful, the whole it happens to others and not me is a huge blind spot.

So what do you do if you are reading this and are in a situation that is abusive: reach out, break that isolation. You can’t rely on changes from the abuser, having other people to rely on even if it is online is important. They may offer resources, shelter, support.

Even if you feel you are not ready to leave or just contemplating it without an action plan, having allies on your side is going to be crucial. There are plenty of support groups online that may offer even tangible support and help you leave in the safest way possible.

If you are the person who is supporting, please know it is okay if you don’t get it. You can be there to listen and show empathy, don’t judge or shame them for taking so long to decide. Introduce the survivor to other people so they have a bigger social circle they can rely on.

When they are ready, they will need that external help. Cycles of abuse are hard to understand if we haven’t lived through them. The physical, psychological, social, financial and other huge factors play into them. Easy answers and solutions don’t exist.

As this is the season of love and celebration of relationships, let’s remember that some people we may know are stuck in traumatic relationships and we can’t forget them. I hope this part provided some surface level understanding of the complexities.

This is honestly a topic that can barely be covered in a book, let alone here. Lots of love to you all and hope you have a wonderful week ❤️

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2024…

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography)
• dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
• dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• dr Khaan, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publicist)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharré Freimann Schofield (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by "Tydalé-Oliver Schofield" (Model)
• In collaboration with "The Me You Can’t See UK" (TMYCSUK) / @tmycsuk