Finding Hope Amidst The Collapse

Written by Andi Bazaar | July 9, 2022

“Finding hope amidst the collapse, the crisis is hurting everyone (except for the very few) losses are incalculable, hurting the most vulnerable groups in society. Everyone is suffering from a mild depression etc but what about hope?”

This article is about helping people who are suffering from depression, social media paints a pretty picture of our lives but we all have our struggles. We all know depression is real and just recently two more students committed suicide in the past two days.

“to anyone out there who is feeling hopeless, depressed anxious or restless, I want you to know that there is help out there.”

Sometimes all we need is somebody to listen, without judging you. I may not be able to fix you but I believe that a simple act of talking to someone face to face can be an enormous help to someone suffering from depression.

I encourage everyone to seek help, let's sit on coffee somewhere in Islamabad and let's talk. You don't need to isolate yourself, you can talk about your feelings, and what's bothering you, and I'll be willing to listen without judgment.

Just recently I've been struggling with how best to support friends suffering from depression and isolation in the current climate, when face-to-face meetings aren't an option and when anxiety and paranoia may be overwhelming for them.

Here's a story of what I've come up with:

• Rather than starting conversations with questions and concern, check-in with light day-to-day stuff. People who are anxious and depressed are often already making themselves guilty with a story that they’re worrying people, so hearing that life is happening can be reassuring.
• Don’t ask questions that require lots of internal enquiry:
  a) so how are you feeling lately?
  b) do you know what started this?
  c) are you worse?

Be mindful of your need to 'fix' their mental state by working out what caused it, instead try being with them with just what is.

• Think of ways you can be together companionably, without a pressure to talk about their mental health. I like conversations around a specific topic: an episode of TV, a film or a book or syncing-up watching a movie/TV together and then texting over chat.
• Make a practice of checking in with light stuff regularly (txt/voice msg) with no agenda or request/need for an answer. Notice your own need to get an answer to your message and how you create anxiety about that. Work on that *without* involving your friend.
• Resist looping others in or discussing your friend as 'a problem,' unless you can count on them to be very subtle in their response. Suggesting a lightweight group event (see 3) might be a low pressure way to involve 1 or 2 others but be aware of overwhelming your friend.
• Resist sending helpful links to articles/videos or book recs, do the reading yourself or watch the videos, talk to people who’ve been through similar. Work on your own understanding of what’s going on for your friend. Do you best to listen without searching for a solution.
• Practice empathy, rather than sympathy.
• Notice your own need for your friend to 'be better,' to go back to how they were before. Often depression has a root-story that we are unlovable/unacceptable unless we are 'ok' - happy - 'normal.' how your friend you can be with them, however they are.
• If depression has become very severe in the past, suggest a very simple way of checking in with them regularly. Decide how they acknowledge (’Hi' or an emoji). Decide what will happen if they don’t. If you can, agree to this before they are at immediate risk to themselves.
• Lastly model how to take care of yourself, be wary of making yourself your friend’s sole support or their saviour. If you notice yourself losing sleep, distracted with stories of what might happen, find a suitable ally (see 5) and support yourself.

THIS IS: MARK LEVSTEIN

Today marks 10 years since I lost my ex-boyfriend and best friend James to suicide, I think about him every day and miss him incredibly. He was an extraordinary character with a huge heart and a loud mouth, who lost an incredibly brave battle with depression.

I found it hard to deal with then and I still mourn him now but because I know how hard he fought to stay alive for so long and because of his eventual death, I understand why people feel so desperate they eventually end their own lives. I would love for that not to be the case.

I always celebrate about him on the anniversary of his death, partly because I want to remember him but also because death, grief and suicide affect most of us at some time and the conversation is such an important one to have.

Sufferers of depression, or anyone with suicidal thoughts shouldn't suffer alone and yet they do. It took me years to talk to someone about grief and depression and when I did I found so much love and help and people who understood.

So I hope that if just one person who feels this way reaches out to someone today and asks for help, it isn't easy to talk about, it isn't easy to discuss but no one should suffer alone. So please don't.

If there is no one around you or you don't feel you can ask for help, then speak to a kind stranger on the end of a phone. Please don't suffer alone!

Finally (and I will shut up in a minute and have my good cry as I always do today) to those who have suffered the loss of someone, also ask for help. I let grief overwhelm me after James's death and it took me years to ask for help because I wasn't able to cope with my grief alone.

“grief is like a dark cloud I couldn’t shake and I only started to come to terms with it when I accepted it for what it was and started talking, in my case to a professional but with help so I started to move on.”

If you have taken time to read all this, thank you. Please talk, please ask people if they are ok, it is so important. I am off to sit on a bench and have a good think and cry to honour James and all that knew him, he is so so much missed.

DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY (MY VIEW)

It’s clear many people in our society both young and old are suffering from depression or anxiety, most people think it’s something new, in reality it’s not. When you’re afflicted by either of the two you’re not living in your present moment, you’re either in your past or worried about the future and you’re anxious about that and this prevents you from living in the moment which is where we should be in terms of our recognition of the blessings that God has given us in this particular moment.

There's something I've been wanting to get off my chest for quite awhile now and I figure now is as good a time as any, I have been for a few years now been struggling with some absolutely fucked up depression and anxiety and it has ruined a lot of shit.

It's why I didn't graduate on time, it's lead me to ruin or abandon more than a handful of personal relationships and its left me in some really dark and fucked up places more than once but I say this not looking for pity or recognition, I don't want it.

I say this because I've known people to have lost their lives to this shit and it's terrifying, I say this to plead with whoever suffers. To please, for the love of God do what you can to seek treatment to find someone or something that can help you through this.

I only recently started to try and get my it all together and it was a huge step, I refused for so long because I thought I could handle it. Do not think you need to do any of this on your own, talk to the people in your life, talk to anyone, find a psycha and go to counseling.

There's a huge amount of resources available to you if you deal with the kinda shit I do and all it takes is you making that first step and I can promise you that no matter how difficult or daunting getting treatment may seem, you can do it.

Also treatment isn't always going to be the same for anyone, the biggest thing is finding the small things that make life worth living and really the reason I wanted to get this out there and written down is because I needed the encouragement right now as well.

It's a constant battle, I don't think there is ever going to be an answer or a cure to this shit but you get better and stronger over time. You learn to live your life and not succumb to your inner demons, just know that there is always some sort of support system out there.

So, I guess to finish this whole thing off I want to extend an invitation to anyone who ever needs a support system like that. Sometimes it's easier to reach out to someone who has been there, so I'll be around. Whenever and whatever, I'll be here and to the people who have pulled me out of the shit over the years and helped keep me going, thank you.

Seriously, I doubt I'd be alive. What's interesting is I've been wanting to talk about this for quite a while but always thought "nah better not."

I allowed my depression to convince me that talking about my problems would just be asking for attention, fuck that! That's not the case. It seems like so many people our age quietly suffer through so much mental strain and hardship but no one ever wants to talk about it.

A few people I am close with knew about my illnesses but I always wanted to keep it under wraps, so from someone who knows don't do that. Talk about it, face it, accept help. You'd be really surprised how many of your peers have been.

Through similar shit, everyone of us is a survivor and we all need to help keep each other going.

When I was 19, suffering from depression and convinced that I couldn't be both gay and happy, I attempted suicide in my parent's garage. My dad found me and saved my life.

I've spent years processing the shame surrounding the act, immediately after the attempt I cried for a week straight. I was overwhelmed with guilt for what I'd done to myself, to my family, to everyone that loved me but I was also sad – profoundly sad – that it hadn't worked.

I'm lucky to be largely on the other end of this kind of disordered thinking, I have come out of the closet, embraced my sexuality, gone to therapy and am surrounded by an excellent support system of queer people who deeply care for me and want me to thrive. I am gay and happy but not all LGBTQIA+ people have this luxury.

In fact, LGBTQIA+ adolescents have the highest rate of suicide attempts among youth, 48% of trans people under 26 have attempted suicide in the UK. Young queer people try to kill themselves every day, not all of us survive it.

It's in us sharing our experiences of suicide and our journey through to the other side, that we disarm the shame that comes with suicidal ideation. It's in standing up and telling LGBTQIA+ youth that you can make it through and be happy in our community that we dismantle the stigma.

If you're ever feeling low and feel like you have no-one to turn, I've been through it and I can lend a listening ear and point you in the right direction.

“depression lies to you loudly and in your own voice, depression makes you feel tired, alone, and worthless and then makes you feel like crap for being so tired and so lonely and so unworthy of love.”

I first sought treatment for my health issues somewhere in 2016 after it became almost impossible for me to lead a normal life, I was suffering from severe can't-get-out-bed depression, panic attacks, raging fits, disassociating.

Hearing things and almost constantly going through suicidal ideation, I've told this before to friends who asked: it didn't immediately get better. If anything, it got worse but eventually it got better and I feel a whole lot better now than I did 2 years ago.

I know now that a lot of things I used to do for a long part of my life were unhealthy coping mechanisms and that a lot things I thought were normal because I'd experienced them since childhood were in fact symptoms of my illness.

I'm almost fully recovered now, I think I'm recovered now. For which I know I'm supposed to be relieved, I am so grateful to God, first and foremost for my doctor, therapist and for my family + friends to all of them but I'm also sometimes filled with dread.

What if my "recovery" isn't that, but a false sense of security?

• what if I haven’t recovered?
• what if this is a slight high before a terrible low?
• what if I never recover?

They say you never truly go back to who you were before your illness, what if I came out weaker?

My therapist once told me that I shouls be kinder to myself, I'll admit, I'm not. I left Maldives partly in order to escape the tense environment that is Malé but I've not left behind the sense that my time here should have a good impact esp on those less privileged than I am but I find that I am constantly wanting to hide from people.

The other reason was because I wanted to continue my studies, everytime I think of it I'll admit and I literally start trembling. It's more than just a lack of confidence,it's pure, unadulterated dread and for the most part I am hesitant to share this.

My family a lot, especially after they saw me become less functioning during the low before the high after I started treatment. It's hard to communicate that recovery isn't linear, that it's a pretty bumpy road.

"Do I question myself?" Yes. Do I wish I wasn't just "staying home"? Of course but I need this, I will give myself this.

If any of you or anyone you know are going through a mental health struggle, please know this. You're not a freeloader, you're not lazy. You're taking the time you need to recover and or be able to function.

This is your journey, don’t rush it and if you’re going through a chronic illness know that you’re worthy and loved. You’re worthy and your journey matters.

A Special Thanks To:

• Co-wrote by Henrie Louis Friedrich
• Consulting/Analyst by Clayton Euridicé Schofield
• Photographed by José Schenkkan
• Model/Talent by Mark J. Levstein