Escape Disappointment (Chapter. 2)

Written by Andi Bazaar | Oct 15, 2022

Healing is a process that happens through multiple angles, it is also okay to never trust as quickly again because there is a place for taking time and making sure another person is worthy of trust. Don’t hesitate to consult with a mental health professional.

I want to talk about a few things that we shouldn’t tell people who are going through mental health issues because it can either make the situation worse or just not help at all, sometimes we hear about tough love and how good it can be but it doesn’t help at all.

One of the first things we should avoid saying is commenting on weight (losing, gaining). Weight gain/loss happens a lot with mental health issues and is not something that is within our control, furthermore it can make the person feel more self conscious.

Saying things like “you just need to get up,” or “you spend all day in bed, of course you will be depressed.” — these sentences are not encouraging at all and don’t provide anything of substance to the people who are impacted by depression, no one just wants to have zero energy.

It is not something we can control also saying things like “you look different or something looks off,” no shit! Of course we will look different, going through depression and anxiety for a while takes a toll on us and it may appear as though we are somehow “different."

“IT IS ALL IN YOUR MIND"

Never understood why we use that one, it is a mental illness so yes technically it is in our minds. It is also not something we can just will ourselves to change and it will happen just like you can’t will your broken arm to fix itself and then it will.

“YOU ARE NOT AS FUN AS YOU USED TO BE"

Trying going through 10 panic attacks a day and depression for months and we will see how fun you will be after that too, mental illness is not fun and we don’t have to pretend like it doesn’t exist.

“ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ATTENTION?"

There are thousands of ways to get attention that don’t involve mental illness, I don’t know why anyone would use mental illness for attention. It impacts every aspect of our life and most of us would rather have no attention and not mentally ill.

“WE GAVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED, WHY ARE YOU DEPRESSED/ANXIOUS?”

It doesn’t matter what material things you gave, that’s not how it works. It is like saying to someone through a physical disease that their life is too good to be sick, ho now is that going to help in any way?

“WHEN WILL THIS PHASE BE OVER?”

If we knew, it would be great for us first. It is not something we can control, these are just a few out of many that we tend to say to those whose mental health is suffering that are not helpful at all.

I thought I would take some time and debunk some of the myths or sayings that our parents or loved ones may use that could actually be harmful to our mental health instead of helping us, stigma is something that is so deeply embedded in our culture.

That means that advice and the way we are raised often includes a great deal of it “it is all in your head,” — not really because mental illness has physical symptoms, digestive issues and a host of other symptoms that are not just in our head.

“MENTAL ILLNESS IS A SIGN OF WEAKNESS"

Not even one bit technically, mental illness happens for a host of reasons from biological, environmental, trauma induced. Just like a flu is not a sign of weakness or strength, neither is mental illness.

“JUST BE GRATEFUL, OTHERS HAVE IT WORSE"

One of the most useless piece of advice technically, someone always has it worse. How does that impact my mental health right now besides making me feel even more guilty than I already was.

“SEE THE POSITIVE IN EVERY SITUATION”

Not every situation is positive, while it is true that we can overlook positive things and not register them when we are depressed, we can’t create positive situations out of thin air either.

“You are so dramatic," this one is especially non-validating.

Living with anxiety sucks, living with depression sucks and living with trauma sucks!

If you haven’t lived through that agony everyday, to the point where you just couldn’t take it anymore you can’t comment on “drama."

“thinking something will make it happen. Keep only positive thoughts in your mind."

First of all, we have thousand thoughts a day, no way are all of them positive. Also, if we could make thoughts a reality, we would all be able to summon anything we want by thinking about it.

Let’s attempt to answer a very needed question how do I trust again after suffering from betrayal/cheating/abandonment. Trust is something that helps us connect, become friends and find love. Without it, we can feel lonely or have a negative view of people around us.

It is a trauma response from a time where someone deeply hurt us, it is a protection mechanism that helps us not fall in that situation again. However like most defence mechanisms, it has its drawbacks. After a while, those drawbacks can make it hard to move on.

Also the longer we hold on to a defence mechanism, the longer it may take to get rid of it. That’s because it became a routine, something that we held on to and felt it protecting us. It may even revive our trauma and make it hard our mental health.

Let’s talk about solutions, first of all for many of us our first instinct when we go through something painful is to bury it. We have work, we have things to do, we can’t afford to take time to process it. Work doesn’t offer a “cheating day off or betrayal day off."

Also, we feel like getting back to our routine is going to help us move on because we are getting back to a normal life. However, not processing a psychological pain means we are repressing it and when we do that we are more likely to suffer from it long term.

While it can be difficult to suffer intense pain after something happens, that pain, the ensuing crying, anger, depression, grief is an important process to help us make sense of it and move on from it. It helps us externalize those emotions.

The good thing is that even if the traumatic event happened long ago, doesn’t mean we can’t process it now. Let’s go through those emotions and get help so that we no longer need to bury it at the back of our minds, let’s use our social circle and journaling to externalize.

We can take our vacation time or sick days to take time off work and not have many things happening while we go through that process, I know it sucks to use our vacation days for something that’s not fun or travel but sometimes it can be necessary.

Therapy is also very important, specifically a trauma focused or specialized therapist. This will help with having someone working for you and your emotions and helping you in a safe and non-judgmental environment. You can cry, express your anger safely and with confidentiality.

Also, it is okay to take time to trust again. It is okay to not want to fall in the same trap by taking more time before trusting someone, we make sure that we take the time to identify potential red flags to really get to know someone before trusting them.

If someone is not patient enough through that process, it is okay to part ways. Doing due diligence is important, but there is a fine line between being vigilant and a trauma response. If you feel like it takes you too long, consult with a mental health professional.

Our world of instant connection and accessibility makes us feel impatient when things don’t happen fast enough but it is okay to take our time and vet the people we meet. We need to be patient and kind to ourselves, the more we get frustrated the more it can delay healing.

The last thing I want to say is to start challenging our thoughts, no matter what others say sometimes we feel responsible for people hurting us even if there is no logic behind it. We feel that if we did things differently, that person may not have cheated or hurt us.

Those “what if” situations can quickly escalate into anxiety and lack of self-esteem, it is important to challenge these thoughts with some exercises I wrote about like logical “evidence for” or “evidence against” where the thought is a fact or interpretation.

Healing is a process that happens through multiple angles, it is also okay to never trust as quickly again because there is a place for taking time and making sure another person is worthy of trust. Don’t hesitate to consult with a mental health professional.

I hope that this small part helps shed a little light on a very important topic. This article only scratches the surface but I hope it provides a framework on how we can cope and what we can do to process those emotions!

That’s it for this edition of stigma in common sayings, I will probably do it again in the future with other common phrases people use in everyday life. Lots of love x

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Publisher)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph