Equals: “Damage Never Existed”
Written by Andi Bazaar, Henrie Louis Friedrich and Tydalé-Oliver Schofield | Oct 1, 2023
"What's the reason in living in a world that doesn't need you? My life has been in constant painful and depression. I have seeked out medical help more than once, in my last 4 years and have yet to really work. I still don't know why I'm alive other than the unknowns and fears of death and what happens when we die I really don't have a reason to live."
It’s been almost 3 months since I recovered and my life has been in constant decline, working like a sweatshop worker to earn enough for rent, constant isolation and depression.
It's hard to enjoy life as I don't got many people to hang with or places to go, I'm 27 but feel like I stopped living 3 to 4 years ago as I became dependent and got rooted into my very unhealthy habits I continue to carry to this day.
I have seeked out medical help more than once, in my last 4 years and have yet to really work.
I'm borderline suicidal and have been for years as stated earlier all forms of help haven't worked, to be honest I still don't know why I'm alive other than the unknowns and fears of death and what happens when we die I really don't have a reason to live.
Some people call "suicide-selfish" but what's the reason in living in a world that doesn't need you? I have no purpose, no dreams ot aspirations, no goals, or life plans. Money is always an issue and I'd rather be asleep than alive.
Suicide is not an easy topic to discuss when mental illness is not seen as a real disease, so many people struggling with mental health rarely open up because of the stigma attached to mental health.
Its even harder to open up about suicide in churches because some people think the topic is too heavy for children and when you’re older all you get is Bible verses and how “You’re one of God’s strongest soldiers."
While you may think "I'm praying for you" feels like the right thing to say, for people struggling it isn't a solution.
Thing is, we can’t afford to ignore the topic just because it’s hard to talk about! Contrary to popular belief, talking about suicide does not make things worse — honest, open communication can do just the opposite.
- It’s difficult to imagine what led a loved one, that seemed to have it all to commit suicide. There are no clear warning signs and while there’re many factors that lead to this tragic event the one thing that remains certain is severe depression from unspoken traumatic events.
- Sometimes people attempt suicide not so much because they really want to die, but because they simply don't know how to get help. Suicide attempts are not a cry for attention but a cry for help, it becomes a way to demonstrate to the world just how much they are hurting.
While it might have appeared that someone had everything to live for, it probably didn't feel that way to them. You may never know why a person committed suicide.
So until mental illness is seen as physical illness of the brain the world will continue to lose beautiful people and talents.
- With this said, I hope we as humans become intentional in recognizing suicide behavior and actively work on listening to people with no judgment when they open up about their suicidal thoughts.
- I hope as we raise our kind children we not only teach them how to heal physically but emotionally as well and I pray to God we are kind enough to apologize to our children when we’re wrong because the one emotional abusive trait parents have is holding power over accountability.
If you suffer from depression and anxiety, don’t let your mind deceive you. You’re beautifully and wonderfully made, you’re loved and your smile makes the world a better place.
⚠️ TW: SELF-HARM “SUICIDE” ⚠️
Men in their late 30's are amongst the highest risk of suicide, we need to be able to talk about male mental health and destigmatise men being able to seek help. If we refuse to acknowledge it, the problem is only going to continue.
The issue of male suicide is actively ignored, the issue is completely skirted around in public discourse. The level of shame associated with it is palpable. Doing this hides the pain, loss and devastation it causes. It also prevents supportive conversations taking place.
This shame forces men to internalise their feelings, as admitting it stigmatises themselves and invites derision our society still expects men to be emotionless pillars of salt. However internalised and repressed feelings don't go away, they fester and eat you away from the inside.
Just over 2 years I narrowly survived a period of poor mental health, I wanted to end the pain and suffering I was in.
"I thought no one would care and the world would be better off without me, I was lucky to have a moment of clarity just before I went through with it and sought help."
I got some great mental health support from my GP, the health service, my friends and environtment where I grew up. I was so lucky and everyday since is a gift, I'm doing better. Now, I can't bear to see other men go through this alone. I can't bear to see men hold back and hide the pain they're in.
The rise in the cases of suicide among youth in Balochistan requires serious attention, it’s important to find what is causing this and whether there is any support mechanism available for vulnerable people.
While we talk about individual problems, we cannot ignore the overall socio-political environment that is affecting the lives of young people. From the pressure of families to the repressive behaviour of the state, all are contributing in exacerbating it.
Be it the daily harassment people face from the security forces or the cultural structure that is too rigid to its own people, all must be condemned and sorted out. I have never contemplated suicide more than I have in the last two months and I hide it very well but mental health is real and I’m hanging on by a thread.
Due to not having a proper counselling system and some societal stereotypes, people hardly discuss their mental health issues and seek assistance. There should be more services available in hospitals and discussing one’s psychological problems should be normalised.
If you are struggling, if you have feelings of self harm or ending it all please don't be ashamed because you are not weak and you've just been strong for too long. Many other men have been through what you've been through, you are not alone. There is support and help available.
Things I started doing after after a suicide attempt that have been helping me on my road to recovery and stronger mental health.
1. JOURNALING
Sometimes when I’m feeling strong emotions writing them down in the moment helps me both understand and work through them and sometimes I just feel numb and blank and writing at those times helps to fill what feels like a void in myself.
2. COLORING
This has helped me calm down on many occasions, I do it anytime I’m frustrated or anxious or feel like my brain can’t function. It’s so calming and easy to do but also requires enough focus to distract me from my emotions and makes me feel accomplished when i’m done.
3. READING
Reading turned out to be a great escape for when this world is too much, I sometimes read new things but rereading things that made me extremely happy in my childhood has impacted me a lot more than I thought it would and often makes those positive feelings resurface.
4. TAKING BATHS
Taking baths especially with music playing, is one of my favorite ways to just sit and let all my emotions out. I’ve also found that being clean is very helpful for boosting my mood and hygiene tends to slip during depressive episodes.
5. HELPING OTHERS THROUGH TOUGH TIMES
Reaching out to people to check in on them and trying to help other people through healing has benefitted me immensely and I’ve never seen anyone talk about how much it can help yourself with healing to help someone else.
6. RECOGNIZING AND ACCEPTING HOW I’M FEELING
A lot of times I don’t even know how I’m feeling I just feel wrong or bad, taking time to think through my emotions and what is causing them even if the answer is I just don’t know has made them feel much more manageable to me.
7. FOCUSING ON THE LITTLE THINGS
Staying hydrated, using chapstick, making my room smell nice, painting my nails. These are all little things I can do no matter what mood I’m in that I know boost my happiness at least a little and make me feel better about myself.
8. MAKING A CHECKLIST
Have a routine or make a list of things to do each day and try your best to do them, of course it’s okay to not always finish the list but having a set plan of how to spend a day gives you something to focus on other than your mood.
9. EXERCISE
Some days I’m really bad at this because I feel like I can’t bring myself to move and have no energy or motivation to get out of bed, but even just going on a walk up and down the block is amazing for clearing your head and getting your mood up I promise!
10. KEEP TRACK OF WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
I get days where I can’t remember what being happy feels like, so when something does make me happy I keep track of those things to hold onto as proof that during those depressive episodes I’m wrong and I can be happy.
11. CHOOSE TO RECOVER
Think of the reason you want to get better and don’t ever let yourself forget it, for me it was seeing my mom cry over me in the hospital that made me want to get healthy because I didn’t want to put her through that again or worse. Don’t forget your reason!
12. LET YOURSELF FEEL NEGATIVE FEELINGS SOMETIMES
Distraction is great but sometimes it is not an option and you have to tell yourself that being sad is okay, being mad is okay because you won’t always feel that way. Tell yourself that out loud until you believe it.
This is all I can think of in this moment but I might add more later as they come to me, I made this part to hopefully help anyone who is struggling with similar things as me and I wanted to say we’re gonna get through this together. You can do it, I promise you!
As a heads up, you might be seeing a little less interaction on the internet from me regarding personal stuff for the foreseeable future. This is not rooted in any lack of care about my moots, but rather burnout on my part.
I want to be a genuine and positive presence for my friends on here, but as many of us have acknowledged even this beautiful fandom space has been difficult lately (esp. when exacerbated by our offline struggles).
As a natural peacekeeper and deeply emotional and empathetic person, I struggle with boundaries. When I see people struggling on here, my first impulse is to help by soothing any hurts or smooth over the conflicts I see erupting between mutually.
I don’t say this to set myself up as a martyr — I’m far from it but I’m still learning how to curate my timeline and my interactions in healthy ways. This is complicated because in some cases where I would curate, it would require actions by people other than me.
I don’t begrudge anyone their choice to share personal problems on here or ask for help. In fact, I think it’s great to know that the people I follow have that trust in me but when there aren’t clear tags or CWs, I find myself drawn in even when I don’t have the spoons for it.
Similarly, I’m not always sure what people’s intentions are in posting — do they want advice? Comfort? Just a venting space? Something concrete? Without specific calls to action, I assume responsibility for fixing everything as soon as I see any sign of conflict.
Is this an emotionally mature response on my part? Of course not! It’s rooted in a weird combo of being intensely sensitive and lots of baggage including abusers who used my inability to fix their problems as justification for their treatment of me.
So yes, I recognise that my inability to find an organic balance is a big part of the problem here. This came to a head last night, when I had a nightmare that a moot had a series of posts (without CWs) describing depression and suicidal ideation.
In the dream I found myself feeling a combination of despair, frustration and if I’m honest resentment not toward any specific person but the exhaustion with fandom itself of "not again, I have nothing left to give."
Trust me, I know I need to get over my saviour complex and I’m working on it but that dream was a wake-up call — it made me realise that what I was seeing here was seeping into too many parts of my consciousness and feel horror, disgust and guilt over my own sense of resentment.
After 10 years of trauma caused by services and having to fight for the right support, I feel like I can finally say I have a sense of closure.
I lost the whole of my early twenties to my mental health, convinced I didn’t want to live anymore and believing the world would be a better place without me in it. There was a time I really didn’t see any other way through the pain and the darkness.
The last 15 years I’ve proved to myself (and hopefully to others) that these things can change, I appreciate being here so much and I’m so grateful for where I am now (despite the bad days). It’s been a painful journey of growth but a journey I know I had to make.
If you’d asked the people that knew me 10 or 15 years ago to describe me, I don’t think many of them would’ve said "a person with mental illness," or "a person who would consider suicide." — Yet suicide felt like my only option for a large proportion of my early twenties.
I was a person with everything to live for, but beneath my persona of a happy and hopeful young man: "i was lost, hopeless and scared." — I still have moments where I feel lost, hopeless and scared, I still have daily anxiety that is sometimes so relentless it leaves me paralysed and that’s ok.
I’ve learned that recovery is about coping or living with these feelings or thoughts not about the absence of them, I have lots of regrets and feel lots of shame about how this part of my life panned out and if I could take it back and re-do those years "I would."
There’s also a part of me that wouldn’t because everything happens for a reason and I am where I am today, I am who I am today because of that and I am so proud of me.
The trauma I’ve experienced from mental health, to them I was a number, a diagnosis, a "difficult" — I am none of those things, I am a human being.
I found strength during those dark times in the people around me who loved me and advocated for me, I found strength in talking about it also sharing my experiences and reaching out to others and now I find strength in looking at my own journey and in advocating for others.
Despite the trauma mental health services have inflicted upon me, there have also been many professionals who have treated me with kindness and compassion. There are professionals who want to learn and do better also I’ve seen some changes being made.
- I’m so grateful for every act of kindness, I’m so glad changes are being implemented and I am so privileged to be in a position where I can work with services to improve things advocate for others. It’s a privilege not many have and I won’t stop until I’ve made a huge difference.
- There’s so many people I have to thank, mainly my incredible friends who have stuck by me through the darkness and who themselves are just as traumatised as I am. I’ll be forever sorry for what I put them through and what they had to see.
- A moment of thanks to every professional who has seen me as an individual, who has allowed me to speak out and who has withheld judgement. I hope they know who they are and how much it has meant to me, my bad experiences outweigh the good but that kindness saved me more than once.
- Also, a big fuck to every single professional who told me I was being “dramatic,” “manipulative,” or “attention-seeking,” who tried to define me by my diagnosis and my lowest points. I’m here despite your support not because of it.
My experiences cannot be summed up in an article, my whole journey can’t be explained with limited characters. I have a lot of healing left to do and a long way still to go but I’m here, free, happy, confused all the time but I’m alive.
As the psychiatrist said to me today, “impressive.”
“I thỉnk we as a society waste a lot of time trying to stop people from killing themselves as opposed to exploring why they want to die in the first place.”
Suicide is not an easy topic to discuss when mental illness is not seen as a real disease, so many people struggling with mental health rarely open up because of the stigma attached to mental health "suicide prevention."
It's even harder to open up about suicide in churches because some people think the topic is too heavy for children and when you’re older all you get is Bible verses and how “You’re one of God’s strongest soldiers."
While you may think, "I'm praying for you," feels like the right thing to say for people struggling, it isn't a solution.
THING IS
- we can’t afford to ignore the topic just because it’s hard to talk about.
- contrary to popular belief.
- talking about suicide does not make things worse honest.
- open communication can do just the opposite.
It’s difficult to imagine what led a loved one, that seemed to have it all, to commit suicide. There are no clear warning signs and while there’re many factors that lead to this tragic event the one thing that remains certain is severe depression from unspoken traumatic events.
Sometimes people attempt suicide not so much because they really want to die but because they simply don't know how to get help, suicide attempts are not a cry for attention but a cry for help. It becomes a way to demonstrate to the world just how much they are hurting.
While it might have appeared that someone had everything to live for, it probably didn't feel that way to them. You may never know why a person committed suicide. So until mental illness is seen as physical illness of the brain the world will continue to lose beautiful people and talents.
WITH THIS SAID
- I hope we as humans become intentional in recognizing suicide behavior and actively work on listening to people with no judgment when they open up about their suicidal thoughts.
- I hope as we raise our kind children we not only teach them how to heal physically but emotionally as well and I pray to God we are kind enough to apologize to our children when we’re wrong because the one emotional abusive trait parents have is holding power over accountability.
If you suffer from depression and anxiety, don’t let your mind deceive you. You’re beautifully and wonderfully made, you’re loved and your smile makes the world a better place x
A SPECIAL THANKS TO:
- Andi Bazaar (Writer)
- Mark J. Levstein (Co-Editor)
- Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography)
- Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
- Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
- Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
- Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
- Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
- Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst/Co-writer)
- Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
- Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
- Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
- In appearance by "Andi Bazaar" (Model)
- In collaboration with "The Me You Can’t See UK" (TMYCSUK) / @tmycsuk
