Breaking The Silence: Lost & Found (Mental Health Awarness Month) | (Chapter. 4)

Written by Andi Bazaar, José Schenkkan Joseph | May 26, 2023

My journey isn’t over, deprescription is my endgame. Hope and healing are on the horizon, I aim to escape psychiatry’s grip with my right to be forgotten. I’m often reminded that I supposedly have a real mental illness, still occurring today with faulty rationalisations.

MY LIFE JOURNEY OVER PAST 2 YEARS

If you are in the dark place right now I hope this article can help you and inspire, if you are doing well I hope it will help you see it enjoy it more and be more grateful for it.

Way before 2020 (around 2016) I fell deeply into depression, I don’t remember much from time period between 2016 and 2020. All I wanted was just to disappear, everything changed when my mother took me to a psychologist in 2020.

I got diagnosed with depression and started working with my therapist to beat it, that’s when the grind started. I was spending at least 5 hours every day learning about psychlogy, doing tasks that my therpaist gave me and most importantly getting to know myself.

I went through all my childhood trauma, all my insecurities, all my fears and faced it all. I gave it all I had, I knew the first step to me making a positive change in the world is me getting better and becomming strong.

After around 14 months of battling the disease I started to feel positive emotions again and it was beautifulz all that hard work paid off but that was only the real beggining. A fresh start, I had no friends.

I wasn't working on anything but school, thanks to getting the ability to be myself and feel good about it I changed it all. I made healthy friendships, girls started being interested in me.



To be precise exactly 1 year ago without 2 days as I'm writing it, I understood I need to make money to enjoy freedom in life and that it will help me to make a positive change in the world.



Few months after that I absolutely destroyed my high school final exams and got into the best law school in my country which was my dream since I can remember.



Achieving all these things felt really good, for like 1 day every time. What really feels good is looking back at it and seeing that I enjoyed every step of every road I took and after making my dreams come true I just found new ones and got right back to work.



Did all my problems disappear the moment I stopped being depressed? No.

Did everything become easy? No.



Past week was a huge test for me had a really bad time during Christmas, right after that I got the news my 29 y/o cousin died I made many bad decisions and missed out on a lot of gains. I started feeling sick, my new year's party ended it with a series of unfortunate events. I felt the real sadness again, this time I'm a different person though.



Even though all these things happen I still kept working, still kept going to the gym, still kept fighting the lack of energy and today I feel better. It's amazing to see how my problems changed.



From having zero energy to not wanting to work more than 8h on some days.

From having no friends to not seeing my best friend for more than 2 weeks.

From having social anxiety, having tons of negative thoughts and being stressed by any human interaction to being stressed before debates in front of tens of people, hosting events for tens of people etc.



It's all still hard and bad days happen by I'll take my new problems over old ones any day, my journey taught me that the most important thing is to always keep pushing. If I feel good I hit the gym, work, study, meet freidns, eat good. If I feel bad I do those exact same things.



Doesn't matter if I have no energy.

Doesn't matter that I don't want to do it.

Doesn't matter that nobody is forcing me to do it.



I hope you are doing the same or will start right now.



2022 was the first year in a long time that I consider a good one, it may not seem like a big deal but looking at the story I just told it should be clear it is a big deal for me. It was a year in which I got up from my knees.



I'm still just a 26 y/o kid that means nothing to the world, I'm still stressed every day and many things are still not going my way. I'm still not even close to being a man I aspire to be but that's ok, I'm beyond grateful for all I have which is a lot.



And again most importantly I had a good year, 2023 will be even better. I keep improving every day in my social life, in the gym and in the mental health area. I know I will fail a lot this year but this time it won't bring me to my knees.



I'm way beyond that and I can't wait to tackle whatever life throws at me, with that being said. Goal for 2023 destroy, if you spent time to read this artice I appreciate you a lot, I mean a lot.



I hope we can share this ride together this year and I hope all of you will look back to the progress you have made and see yourself as an absolute beasts.

Let’s talk about physical manifestations of mental health issues, we often underestimate the impact that our mental health has on our bodies and it can quickly become overwhelming because as mental health gets worse so do physical symptoms and vice versa.



We think of mental health as something that is psychological. However, mental health is also very biological. Our stress levels, intensity of depression and trauma will have physical manifestations almost all the time. Sometimes it can be mild, other times it will be severe.



Moods and emotions will result in the endocrine system being impacted, this system impacts all our honours. When stress levels are high, adrenaline and cortisone would be released. These would directly impact the nervous system including heart rate, breathing rate, muscle tension and especially the digestive system. Given the presence of neurons in both our brain/stomach, the link between these organs is the strongest in our bodies. This is why the number one complaint for people who go through mental health issues have stomach issues.



That can come in the form of diarrhea, constipations, IBS, nausea, increase or decrease in appetite and other forms of digestive issues such as acid reflux. They can be very debilitating because the pain and strong discomfort will also reduce our quality of life a lot.



Another way in which mental health manifests physically is through dissociation, many of us have gone through mental health issues so severe and long lasting that it shifted the way we interact with our environment and the way we perceive it.



The environment may seem as it is distorted, as if we are viewing it through a veil or that things take on a dream like quality. This phenomenon called derealization is very unsettling because we expect our perception of reality to be stable and not something that shifts.



Depersonalization is the same phenomenon except it is related to our bodies, we may hear our voice differently, perceive our limbs as though they are foreign to us, giving us a feeling of being out of our bodies. Although these situations are harmless, they induce more anxiety.



These forms of dissociation happen often with severe anxiety/trauma, speaking of trauma it has the ability to shift the make up of our brain to an observable degree. Certain areas of the brain may temporarily shrink until we get better and recover.



All of these create a negative feedback loop, our mental health gets worse so we have more pain, dissociation, making us worry about our physical health, thereby making mental health worse. This is when another form of physical manifestation happens. Numbness!



We often see numbness as being us not feeling our emotions. However, it also manifests physically. This is our body’s way of shutting down the emotion centre of our brain in order to allow us to cope better and rest from the intense emotions we felt.



However, because numbness slows us down a lot it will also make us more sluggish, tired, our reflexes are slower and we process/react to our environment more slowly. This can be detrimental to our social/professional and other areas of our lives.



While these symptoms can be reversed in the short and even medium term (a few years), when they stretch for the long term (5 to 10 years), they can increase the damage to our bodies, especially for the older population.



This is why it is important to understand as much as possible the link between mental health and physical health. They are not separate, they function together. The link goes the other way as well, if we have the flu the reduced physical capacity will impact mental health.



We may feel more depressed and anxious when we are sick, that two way communication is constantly happening within us and this is why it is important to recognize and treat our symptoms considering both the physical and psychological.



Regular check ups at the doctor will help in terms of understanding our pain and finding solutions for them in terms of meds, medications can also be prescribed for mental health along with a recommendation to see a therapist to get at the bottom of our issues.



When we treat the situation at the physical and psychological level at the same time, we tackle the vicious cycle on both fronts leaving us with the ability to recover and make long lasting gains quicker and more efficiently. In the meantime, there are things we can do at home.



Certain coping mechanisms can help a lot, deep breathing allows us to slow our heart rate and breathing rate when we are anxious making for a less intense physical reaction. Deliberately reconnecting with our environment helps a lot as well.



If we start to feel ourselves spiralling, let’s use our five senses to forcefully reconnect with our environment by counting and paying attention to différents sights, sounds, touch the fabric of our clothes, feeling the seat we are on, using our smell and taste.



These force us to completely pay attention to our environment, leaving our attention focused on it rather than the spiral. This will help slow it down or even help us forget about the spiral we were on, challenge your thoughts logically when they happen as well.



This can be done by writing evidence for/evidence against our thoughts logically and writing a new/more logical thought to replace the previous one and giving us perspective so that we don’t as easily believe the thoughts that stem from our anxiety/depression/trauma.



I know that this chapter ended up being quite long but I hope that you found it informative and can start your journey to recovery by focusing on both the body and the mind, best of luck and I know all of us can have better mental health! Love x



PS: we also see this link between the physical and psychological happen very strongly during PMS, during the few days leading up to a period, anxiety and depression symptoms may be completely exacerbated because of the hormonal process that occurs.

Here I am, another long story ready once again to unfold the intricate journey of my mental health, medications and relationships. A story woven with the chapter of compromise, understanding and the subtle dance of MBTI or social dynamics.



Over 8 years ago, I had a severe relapse from a bad taper that led me back to a dose of 15mg aripiprazole (I was initially discharged on the fairly over-medicated 20mg dose - ouch!). Since then, my journey towards stability has been arduous but not without progress.



A year ago, my self-referral to an NHS addiction clinic got my dose reduced to 5mg. The trigger? A compulsive gambling habit, a known yet hard-to-prove side effect of the drug. This habit was straining my personal and joint finances and even my relationships (for years!).



My partner a professional working within pharmacy services has been my pillar of support, despite the strain. His expertise is a double-edge sword in our situation, understanding of pharmaceuticals yet overly cautious on a personal level having witnessed my last relapse.



The compromise we reached with my last locum consultant psychiatrist, to remain on the lowest manufactured dose of 5mg has been a complex, challenging agreement but it’s a step forward as I’ve maintained stability on this 'baby' dose without any significant issues.



When our discussions turn into arguments about my daily dosage, my partner often ends up saying I could always choose to walk away from our marriage, hinting at the 'consequences' of a potential relapse. A soft divorce blackmail of sorts.



However, as an INTJ personality I value independence and rationality. My partner an ESFJ seeks harmony and practicality, this MBTI interplay influences practically everything in our lives though the full extent of it goes beyond this journey.



Yet, the heart of my struggle feels like entrapment. It’s as if psychiatry which should be helping me, might actually be to blame for my predicament. The iatrogenic/side effects of the medication have caused significant distress and disruption for over half a decade.



Psychiatry tends to stand with complete impunity to the potential indirect or direct harm it might have caused. The professional advice, the side effects it all feels like a trap, a perpetual cycle that seems hard to break.



My partner strong belief in the inevitability of another relapse if I stop the medication, invoked by some locum shrink gaslighting in my last review meeting he attended and despite my current low dose seems to reflect this sense of entrapment.



The challenge therefore lies in opening up a conversation about tapering further or stopping the medication altogether from 5mg but the fear of relapse, stoked by previous experiences and professional advice often shuts down such discussions. Patience is key.



I’m often reminded that I supposedly have a 'real' mental illness, still occurring today with faulty rationalisations. It’s hard not to wonder whether the people around me might be hypersensitive to any 'red flag' behaviour I might express. Is it me, or is it them?



The MBTI dynamics at play demonstrates a key role in our mental health journeys, this can turn the choice of a psychiatrist into a game of Russian roulette the treatment outcomes as diverse as our personalities and inter-type relationship variable coming into effect.



With every step, every decision matters change is possible. It’s our shared journey, our shared hope for a healthier future that unites us, my partner and I remain strong and hopeful. Patience again is key, deprescription is inevitable once done 'maturely.'



My journey isn’t over, deprescription is my endgame. Hope and healing are on the horizon, I aim to 'escape' Psychiatry’s Grip with my Right To Be Forgotten (Ref: Article 17 of the UK GDPR) and vanish into the ether.

Let’s talk about motivation, it is a big indicator of how our mental health is doing and a driver in our actions. It allows us to postpone gratification for our future and a lack of it feels like a big part of us is missing, so what is it exactly and how to regain it?



We often don’t understand how much energy and brain capacity things like productivity, attention span and all that take. To sustain them is a lot of work for our brain and takes a lot of resources, the problem arises when we no longer have that capacity because of circumstances.



When we rely a lot on our motivation or productivity, whenever it is gone even if it is temporary we struggle a lot. It is very fleeting and we can see this now more than ever, given the deep shock and trauma the world has gone through our overall capacity is more limited.



So why do these functions go away? In one word, burnout. There are more stressors around us than we can handle, due to those extra stressors we need to make adjustments to our lifestyle or we slowly burnout. We can’t exactly do the same things as we did before.



If we continue our life exactly as it was pre pandemic and add all the trauma, fear and grief the pandemic has given us, then burnout is inevitable. Unfortunately, it is a truth and it is only a matter of time if we don’t adjust certain things. So what adjustments can we make?



The first and main one is to treat what is not going well. If you feel you are going through some depression/anxiety/trauma or just any form of mental health issues where you don’t have the proper label, it is going to require some form or another of treatment.



That can be therapy, meds or a combination of both. In fact, a lack of motivation is a huge symptom of depression and one that we use to diagnose different forms of depression. When motivation is lacking, there are so many things we can no longer do.



That can be not doing routine things like getting out of bed quickly, taking daily showers, cleaning around us, going for walks or exercising and a bunch of other things we take for granted. There is an apathy and a sense of loss that comes with a lack of motivation.



That’s why treatment is crucial, so let’s say we go to treatment, feel better, regain our motivation and all those other faculties. Yay! but we need to be careful. We can’t simply go back to the way we used to do things before, this is simply gonna lead us back to the cycle.



Certain changes have to be permanent, not overworking ourselves (no matter how big your profession is or how much it pays, at the end of the day we are disposable). If our health suffers long-term, the company or hospital or any workplace will find someone else soon.



Our work cannot be the whole reason we exist, we have to find a middle ground that leaves us time to enjoy your hobbies and loved ones and most importantly time to have at least 2 hours of self-care a day. We also have to externalize our emotions.



We can’t bottle new things up anymore because that just means more depression and anxiety a few years from now when everything that is bottled up comes to the surface, let’s get in the habit of sharing our struggles, journaling, anything that helps externalize.



Maintenance therapy sessions can also be beneficial, let’s say you finished your therapy, but need a session once every 3/4 months just to talk things out and find some solutions to new problems. This will help greatly coping with new issues and maintaining your mental health.



Adjusting our expectations based on how we are feeling: for example if we are not motivated today, let’s lower our goals and expectations for the day because it is a signal from our brain that it is overwhelmed and needs some rest. Let’s give it that rest!



I hope that this chapter is helpful in explaining the mechanisms behind motivation, how to treat a lack of motivation and how to prevent the worst of it from happening again in the future.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography)
• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design/Model)
• Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan (Co-writer) and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph (Photographed)
• In appearance by "Jwan Hofflér Conwall" (Model)
• In collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See