Breaking The Silence: Fallout (Mental Health Awarness Month) | (Chapter. 5)

Written by Andi Bazaar, Gryffen Seth | May 31, 2023

We need to stop pressuring people into forgiveness, not only is it not the path to healing when it is forced but it can make us feel worse and aggravate the trauma and depression. We can recover and live a happy life without forgiving.

Loving unconditionally someone who loves us in a very conditional way is bound to create anxiety/depression/feelings of abandonment whether that is a friend/partner/parent, coming to terms with that fact and healing while establishing boundaries is going to be important.

I spent 4 months healing, taking care of my mental health and battling severe Depression + PTSD after having an extremely toxic relationship with a narcissist, toxic friendships who were secretly haters the whole time and 2 attempts to take my own life.

Let me be the first to tell you, taking care of your mental health is key. Learn the warning signs of toxic friendships and relationships, take a step back occasionally and analyze these relationships and ask yourself:

• is the effort equal?
• do they make me happy?

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is one of the most damaging things that can happen to you, they use you for their personal benifit always and when you need them *poof* they are nowhere to be found yet they twist it and have you feeling like you did something wrong.

Toxic friends will have you thinking you’re not good enough, something is wrong with you while they are just putting you down to make themselves feel better about their shortcomings instead of supporting you. See the pattern here?

Nothing woke me up more than being in the hospital after trying to take my own life and realising who was there for me & who wasn’t and even after this my first idea was to go back to those I was familiar with (the toxic people), I learned a very hard lesson.

At the end of the day you need to worry about you, I spent this entire year caring for someone and his problems, taking him to dr appointments taking him literally everywhere and for what? For him to not be there for me when I’m hospitalized?

Narcissists have a way of twisting things to make you stay involved with them all the while ignoring your own wants and needs until you become this empty skeleton that they can use at their disposal, same goes for toxic friends it’s all similar behavior.

I’ve grown so much and still have so much healing to do after such a damaging and emotionally traumatic relationship and friendships but there’s only up from here and I’m thankful for those who have stuck around for the ride.

Lastly nobody is worth your tears, nobody is worth you wanting to end your life. Believe actions not words, if the effort isn’t equal bounce. You can only be so understanding and your mental health needs to be number one, take care of yourselves because nobody else will.

It’s men’s mental health month and here’s a part of my journey I learned from my healing.

PROGRESS IS NOT LINEAR

You’ll have good days where you feel like you’re making strides in your healing and bad days where you feel like you’re back at square one, recognize that progress is not linear to ease the burden on those bad days.

LEAN INTO YOUR FEELINGS

I’ve found it easier to lean into whatever I’m feeling, if I feel like I’m having a bad day I double down and lean into it. That means I’m going to sit and sulk, I’m going to order a cheat meal and I’m going to limit my social interaction.

UTILIZE YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM

If you’ve spent time and effort building relationships with your family and friends, now is the best time to lean on them and let them help you. There’s no shame in asking for help.

PUT IN THE WORK AND STAY PATIENT AND PERSISTENT

I try to treat my mental health the same as my physical health. It takes hard work, consistency and patience to see results. There’s absolutely no shortcuts, you want a better life and you have to build it yourself.

SEEK THE HELP OF A PROFESSIONAL

If you didn’t know anything about cars, you wouldn’t try to fix it by yourself, this is no different. Trust that a professional can help you figure out what’s wrong, why you’re feeling a certain way and how to better manage your mental health.

TRAUMA > INSECURITY > BEHAVIOR

This equation changed everything, trauma causes Insecurities and Insecurities are projected in behavior. If you find yourself behaving a certain way, try to reverse engineer your way through it.

PROTECT YOUR ENERGY, PROTECT YOUR PEACE

Do the work and find out who or what in your life triggers you and why and then set boundaries to protect yourself and your energy from those things.

• be kind to yourself
• be proud of yourself
• find ways to love yourself
• dig deep to resolve your traumas
• find your insecurities
• accept change
• let yourself be vulnerable
• understand that you are loved
• you are valued
• you deserve to be happy

IT’S BEEN 6 MONTHS SINCE MY SUICIDE ATTEMPT

As I reflect on my personal growth, I’d like to share a thread in the hopes that others facing emotional distress may read this and remember they are not alone.

Those of us born in the 90's have already seen some of the biggest technological advances of any generation, this in turn has changed how we all interact socially.

From Walkmans to IPhones, technology and connectivity has exploded. The way our minds respond to social cues, notifications and subtext has been warped in the wake of predatory algorithms that want your time, attention and money.

This has naturally coincided with a universal rise in mental health issues, depression and anxiety are at all time highs and in my opinion, social media must carry a portion of the blame.

ADD IN THAT WE ALL GROW UP SO DIFFERENTLY

• different cultures
• different families
• different wealth
• different confidence
• different trauma

For the most part people on the internet aren’t privy to what makes you who you are and that can be a blessing and a curse, in every effort to dream big and be the person you want to be you also invite mainly anonymous heads to inspect, dissect and interpret your intentions.

I don’t think many of us truly understand what that can feel like until we’re in the throws of it, I believe most set out with the best of intentions and when the going gets tough the easiest place to go is inside.

In our enterprise to create a fair, transparent and open future I fear we currently place too much blame on mistakes. Many are putting themselves out there for inspection, attempting to build the future honorably and are quickly vilified when perfection isn’t achieved.

Of course there is a difference between malice and blunder but we often don’t get to hear the entire story before the court of public opinion has made up their minds.

Caught in the drama, so steadfast in their beliefs that they are unwilling to hear anything that may challenge their thought process or God forbid, make them admit that they were wrong.

SO WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

TIME HEALS

As cliché as this may sound, it cannot be more true, whatever you’re going through right now can be and will get better in time. The further you get from the point, the more you heal.

RASH DECISIONS ARE RARELY RIGHT

I’m extremely thankful to still be here and it saddens me that I almost took potential happiness, growth and love away from not only myself but those who care for me.

THE GROWING NEVER STOPS.

For me, I am at my most susceptible when I stagnate. Rest is important, but so is having short and long term goals for life and health. This helps frame what you want to achieve while giving you multiple reasons to get out of bed.

HELP IS ALWAYS THERE, YOU NEED ONLY ASK

Friends, family, hotlines, dms. There is a wealth of support at the ready. The hardest part is getting the courage to just ask.

IT’S OKAY TO FAIL.

Failing is human nature, it’s truly the only way we learn while others may seem savage in their opinions of you, every interaction is an opportunity to grow. I am far from well still, it’s a journey. One I am very thankful to still be on, mental health isn’t something to be “fixed” but rather a muscle we must continually exercise.

Thank you to those who have been so imperative to my recovery, I will never forget your kindness and will forever endeavor to pay it forward. There are those that will call this virtue signaling, those who will mock in private discord channels.

However, there are also those who may have just needed to hear that it gets better. This is for you, you are not alone.

Let’s attempt to answer a very needed question, how do I trust again after suffering from betrayal/cheating/abandonment. Trust is something that helps us connect, become friends and find love. Without it we can feel lonely or have a negative view of people around us.

It is a trauma response from a time where someone deeply hurt us, it is a protection mechanism that helps us not fall in that situation again. However like most defence mechanisms, it has its drawbacks. After a while, those drawbacks can make it hard to move on.

Also the longer we hold on to a defence mechanism, the longer it may take to get rid of it. That’s because it became a routine, something that we held on to and felt it protecting us. It may even revive our trauma and make it hard our mental health.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SOLUTIONS

First of all for many of us, our first instinct when we go through something painful is to bury it. We have work, we have things to do, we can’t afford to take time to process it. Work doesn’t offer a “cheating day off or betrayal day off”

Also, we feel like getting back to our routine is going to help us move on because we are getting back to a normal life. However, not processing a psychological pain means we are repressing it and when we do that, we are more likely to suffer from it long term.

While it can be difficult to suffer intense pain after something happens, that pain, the ensuing crying, anger, depression, grief is an important process to help us make sense of it and move on from it. It helps us externalize those emotions.

The good thing is that even if the traumatic event happened long ago, doesn’t mean we can’t process it now. Let’s go through those emotions and get help so that we no longer need to bury it at the back of our minds, let’s use our social circle and journaling to externalize.

We can take our vacation time or sick days to take time off work and not have many things happening while we go through that process, I know it sucks to use our vacation days for something that’s not fun or travel but sometimes it can be necessary.

Therapy is also very important, specifically a trauma focused or specialized therapist. This will help with having someone working for you and your emotions and helping you in a safe and non judgmental environment. You can cry, express your anger safely and with confidentiality.

Also, it is okay to take time to trust again. It is okay to not want to fall in the same trap, by taking more time before trusting someone we make sure that we take the time to identify potential red flags to really get to know someone before trusting them.

If someone is not patient enough through that process, it is okay to part ways. Doing due diligence is important, but there is a fine line between being vigilant and a trauma response. If you feel like it takes you too long, consult with a mental health professional.

Our world of instant connection and accessibility makes us feel impatient when things don’t happen fast enough but it is okay to take our time and vet the people we meet, we need to be patient and kind to ourselves. The more we get frustrated, the more it can delay healing.

The last thing I want to say is to start challenging our thoughts, no matter what others say sometimes we feel responsible for people hurting us even if there is no logic behind it. We feel that if we did things differently, that person may not have cheated or hurt us.

Those “what if” situations can quickly escalate into anxiety and lack of self-esteem, it is important to challenge these thoughts with some exercises I wrote about like logical “evidence for”, “evidence against” where the thought is a fact or interpretation.

Healing is a process that happens through multiple angles, it is also okay to never trust as quickly again because there is a place for taking time and making sure another person is worthy of trust. Don’t hesitate to consult with a mental health professional.

I hope that this small final chapter helps shed a little light on a very important topic, this part only scratches the surface but I hope it provides a framework on how we can cope and what we can do to process those emotions! Lots of love x

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Andi Bazaar (Writer)
• Yevhn Gertz (Director Photography)
• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting/Co-writer)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design/Model)
• Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by "Hugo-licharré Freimann" (Model)
• MHMTID in collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See