Beautiful Trauma: Suffer In Silence (Chapter. 5)
Written by Andi Bazaar, Co-wrote by Timothée-freimann Schofield | Dec 24, 2022
“explore and validate all feelings without shame also guilt, reject shame and guilt and give it back to your abuser. know the value of anger as a driver of change and a setter of boundaries, learn to say no without explanation and take your power back.”
“Why mental health should be important to you?" My journey overcoming depression in this final chapter.
In March 2015 I visited a psychiatrist for the first time, I was frightened. It had been around 4 months since I started suffering. I remember I woke up one Saturday in November 2014 and felt physically stressed for no particular reason, my sleep disappeared completely in the first few days of that unusual autumn Saturday morning.
Every night I felt tired and sleepy but as soon as I went to bed my body would start having multiple nervous tics that were preventing me from falling asleep, in the mornings I would get up feeling like a shipwreck.
I was restless during the day and couldn’t do anything other than sitting isolated in my room, staring at the ceiling in profound silence. I knew my body was not functioning properly but I was afraid to find out what exactly was happening to me, my anxiety was getting severe by the day.
Somehow, I survived the last two months of 2014, little did I know what was about to happen soon.
My first weeks of 2015 were agonizing, I started browsing the Internet hectically and consuming everything Google served me as results for "depression," medical analyses, personal stories, etc.
Until then I had always connected the state of depression to just having bad mood.
My first months of 2015 were passing by unbearably slow, I was spending most days isolated in my room in complete silence. Every other activity felt unnaturally stressful and unnerving. At some point I began to hear voices in my head, suicidal thoughts followed through.
In March 2015 I visited a psychiatrist for the first time, I was frightened. Until then I had assumed that all people who talk to shrinks are literally crazy, the psychiatrist calmed me down and explained to me what I had been experiencing for such a long period of time.
Fast forward to today, I’m still seeing the psychiatrist once every year to adjust the antidepressants I've been taking, once the pills stabilized my physical condition I started talking to a psychology professional that has helped me sort confusing thoughts in my head.
Here’s what I've learned so far, overcoming depression is a long and challenging process. Seeking sufficient help in times of emerging personal crisis is imperative, consulting the right mental health specialist is one of the first steps to recovery from a severe breakdown.
- Sometimes, you could recover from a mental breakdown by just taking the right pills under the supervision of the right psychiatrist.
- Sometimes, you could accompany the antidepressants treatment with talking to the right therapist at the right time.
I had learned that depression and mental illness were separate issues to neurodivergence, I'm not really sure anymore. "Neurodivergent" is a social construct rather than a medical term and we all know how arbitrary social constructs are.
Doing a small bit of research, different sources have different answers again because it is not a medical term and therefore doesn't have medical parameters. My takeaway is basically that if "neurodivergent" is an identifier that helps you process and understand your brain as distinctly unique from brains that thrive in an abled society, use it.
I'm also trying to figure out why my idea of neurodivergence was, characterized by executive dysfunction I think and I don't think I fully understand where that applies. The other bit is disorder vs illness and that's a slippery slope too.
Also, I know that ADHD at its core is your brain being unable to produce adequate dopamine. Is there an equivalent of that for autism? OCD? It's so neurodivergent to think of something as a fixed, black and white term when it is not.
Okay but even that, that's not something I would apply to a lot of the conditions being mentioned. That seems more OCD, ASD, ADHD. Hyperfocus as well, which is what I will now be doing for days in relation to this topic.
LET'S TALK DEPRESSION
Depression: mental state characterized by feelings of sadness, despair, unhappiness, worthlessness and hopelessness.
TYPES
Exogenous and Endogenous.
Exogenous, it is often referred to as situational depression because it comes from something outside the person.
Endogenous, it's possible causes include; Rejection, divorce, loss of self-esteem due to business failure, loss of a loved one, holding in etc.
GENERAL SYMPTOMS
- Feelings of guilt about inconsequential events
- Decreased work productivity
- Withdrawal from activities and interests
- Trouble with concentration
- Insomnia or excessive sleepiness
- Change in bowel habits
- Weight loss or gain
- Decreased libido
HOW YOU MAY OVERCOME
- Psychotherapy
- Anti-depressant medications
- Cognitive behavioral therapy
- Exercise; long walks, run
- Do the opposite of what the 'depression voice' suggests
- Listen to music
- Spend time with loved ones
- Meditation; yoga, journaling, deep breathing
I've said it 1,000x and I'll keep saying it until folks understand and then I'll keep saying it once or if you do "mental health matters."
Stop thinking a smile means nothing's wrong, all a smile means is the person doesn't want you to know there is. Depression requires teamwork, for those suffering:
"don't believe the part of you saying nobody cares, it's a lie designed by your Demon to keep you in Its grasp. start talking, that's it. just start talking and allow yourself to start healing."
FOR NON-SUFFERERS
"don't be dismissive, it's not a "phase." — nor is it "a bad day" or something we can "snap out of "
It's a daily, hour-to-hour battle that requires an endless amount of energy to perpetually win a fight over and over and over again from now until we stop drawing air. So please, listen and you'll save a life.
SIGNED
Sufferer and 2x survivor of suicide attempts, love you all and go be great.
Thankful for my own support system that understands the importance of [also] having learned when to "push, pull or be still" and the difference between "I'm fine." and "I'm level."
I'm not easy, but I'm worth the effort and I believe that now and folks so are you.
HEALING DEPRESSION & ANXIETY SHORTCUTS
When I started my healing journey I wish I had a guide, not just a therapist that listens but someone who could give me starting points and shortcuts to fast track the process. So here's a few things that I wish I knew early on.
MINDFULNESS & GROUNDING EXERCISES
This helps to calm and center your mind to the point that you can start to constructively process the trauma that underpins your anxiety and depression, it involves active thought plus concentration usually with your eyes closed, purely on the present moment. Counting your slow deep breaths, slowly scanning you body from head to toe noticing how each body part feels, noticing sounds then repeat perhaps adding the exercise of clenching each muscle in each body part and relaxing it. Try to extend this to "mindfulness living."
JOURNALLING
Writing or articulating your thoughts, fears, depressive thoughts, traumas on paper externalises the pain, orders your thoughts and feelings also starts the trauma processing process.
INNER CHILD TALK/REPARENTING
A strange concept when it's new to you but especially when triggered, try "pretending" to talk to the younger traumatised version of you, in a patient, kind, unconditionally loving way, telling that part of you exactly what they needed to hear at the time but didnt, it takes time, patience, repetition but the goal is to help the repressed traumatised child part of you to process things in a healthy way and to grow into a balanced well adjusted adult.
TALK TO THERAPY
With a therapist or friend, talk about everything the more you talk the easier it gets to talk about and the trauma gets disempowered and processed.
SOCIAL SUPPORT
Humans are social creatures that require mutual interdependent social support for good mental health, find friends that you can be your true authentic self with, avoid "friends" that don't love and support the authentic you.
TAKE TIME TO MEDITATE
Mastering the art of enjoying peaceful contentment of controlled detachment from concepts of the future, past as well as our self concepts so that all you are left with is that part of you that is purely a conscious observer of the present moment. Make this the place you come back to multiple times a day to recenter yourself, it's a place of pure peace and contentment but ends the hypervigilant mind.
“Explore and validate all feelings without shame also guilt, reject shame and guilt and give it back to your abuser. Know the value of anger as a driver of change and a setter of boundaries, learn to say no without explanation and take your power back.”
Mental health is real, depression is real. People suffer in silence and most of the time it be the ones that try to make everyone happy around them that suffer the most. Be kind to everyone, you might just never know.
A SPECIAL THANKS TO:
- Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
- Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
- Timothée Freimann schofield (Co-wrote/Photographed)
- Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
- Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
- Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
- Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design/Model)
- Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
- Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
- In appearance by Jwan Höffler Conwall
- In collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See
