Beautiful Trauma: Grateful (Special Edition)

Written by Andi Bazaar, Co-wrote and Photographed by Timothée-freimann Schofield | Dec 31, 2022

It's important for people who struggle with mental illness to talk about it, if for no other reason than it helps those who don't begin to understand what it's like for us. It's that understanding that will ultimately end the stigma, which is still very much alive today.

Where to start? MHMTID Community has played a big part of my life since the beggining. That’s when I first decided to participate in the campaign, it’s also when I first decided to speak out publicly about my struggles with anxiety and depression.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT MY JOURNEY

From the end of 2011 until near the end of 2013 I was at my worst, I felt broken at work every day. I thought I hated my job so I quit with no job prospects but it didn’t help, the “brokenness” eventually followed me from job to job.

During those two years, I was on a journey to figure out what was wrong with me and how I could fix it. After I learned it went deeper than my work, I began to unearth a whole new world: the world of mental illness. Soon after, my doctor told me I was depressed.

There were triggers I learned, that led me to a dark place. I also learned there were things I could do and not do (including doing self-care and not doing specific types of work) but I also learned the fix wasn’t easy because it never really went away.

It did get better though, after I became aware of what I was dealing with and why I was dealing with it also that when I first started to hear about this community and while I was still struggling I decided to share my struggles publicly.

Since then, I have considered it my responsibility to share what I have gone and go through with the hope that it can help others and the people around them. I also started writing about my ongoing journey with mental illness, specifically depression.

Through it all, while I hope sharing my journey has been helpful to others (which is what I believe is one of the biggest legacies), doing it also serves as catharsis. Being honest with yourself is so important in moving forward and getting better.

So this year, while I re-hash what has happened in the past I must also acknowledge the present and the new what’s going on with me today. Today, I still struggle and today I feel as low as I have felt in a while and I think "how can I still be in this place?"

Then I am quick to realize that “this place” is temporary that I am better than I was 6 years ago on my first day and to continue to confront, to learn plus to act are all part of the process of being in control of my mental health.

As someone dealing with OCD and crippling anxiety well before I entered journalism, my daily struggle is in figuring out what portion of my anxiety at work is me vs the journalism. I can become mortified over the most low stakes story.

Like many people with OCD, my core anxiety is that something I have already done will cause immense harm to someone else. *Maybe* the harm can be averted even though the action was already taken by a never ending cycle of compulsive rituals.

HOW THAT LOOKS LIKE IN JOURNALISM?

I take every source in my story and build stories in my mind about how their participation in the story will ruin their lives because of something I’ve done, I feel this way even when it’s a comms person sharing with me details about an upcoming event like a vaccine clinic.

HOW DO A DEAL WITH THAT, CAUSE LET ME TELL YOU IT CAN BE CRIPPLING?

• I take SSRI/SNRIs which for me, despite side effects, are extremely helpful to curb compulsions. This isn’t specific to journalism.
• I try to be super honest and explicit with sources about what I’m working on and how I envision their role even if it’s an expert interview, if the story’s focus changes I’ll often pick up the phone and share with them. I say try because I’m far from perfect in doing this.
• I create receipts for myself, the worst for me is the compulsive fact check loop. Story is done, publishing tomorrow, I re-read it and fact check everything. Then I say “wait did I write [error] by accident?” — I re-read and fact check again, again, again and again.

This isn’t a healthy fact checking process nor is it efficient in catching errors because I’m increasingly anxious as the cycle escalates, I worry that I accidentally introduced errors when opening and closing the file. I make up new things to be anxious about. It’s bad.

Recently what I’ve been doing is print the final draft and fact check with a pen, leaving notes and check marks on the paper — sometimes I re-write quotes from my recording about the printed line to compare. Once I’m done I have a receipt, I don’t need to trust myself anymore.

• In my worst days when I’m spiraling, I ask someone to affirm me. Sometimes in the cycle of compulsion I don’t trust myself at all then if possible I’d ask a colleague / my family / friend to listen to a quote and confirm that my paraphrase is correct (stuff like that).
• I send my work to all my sources the moment it’s live, if I’ve made a mistake I want to know ASAP and not ruminate over it. My goal is to move from my catastrophizing brain to dealing with any real world fall out as soon as possible.

HERE IS THE THING:

"some of these things have a kernel of good process in them but when done for the wrong reason (pacifying anxiety) and in a compulsive way is super unhelpful. Most days aren’t my worst day [these days] which I’m grateful for, what i'm describing is the extreme."

I am also far from perfect in my fact checking process, source relationship, etc etc. I don’t always live up to the practices I shared above, I’m learning both my journalism and my anxiety, and their nexus.

The last thing I say is that I try *really hard* not to let my anxiety affect my news judgement, if I’m ever too anxious to report a certain story that needs to be told I would take a break.

"Did I draft and edit with my anxiety in mind?" — Yes and that’s not good, that’s the fight.

Idk, anxiety sucks! OCD is terrible unmanaged (I already thinking of all the ways I regret writing this story). Journalism is really hard, I know many amazing journalists who deal with their own struggle and do incredible work. Doing such public facing work is hard.

Anyway, that’s me. It’s not great but it’s what it is. I did learn that my anxiety, OCD and my mind more generally is evolving and changing. It’s truly a journey. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to pace anxiously until my first meeting thinking about my story.

Thought a lot about what to write today, this one is for all the caregivers and the ones standing behind those who are battling for their own survival.

You can have the most amazing system of family, friends and an entire city supporting you every single day but there are days where the negative thoughts scream louder than the words of love and encouragement and acts of kindness.

It can be tough to navigate through that dark cloud to see the light again, staying positive all the time especially in front of your kids can be a full time job all on its own especially on those days when you don’t believe the words you’re telling them. You’re mouth is saying one thing and your brain is yelling “liar" / “fake” ... it’s complicated and exhausting.

And then some days you’re flying high and nothing is going to dampen your outlook on the future or even just the day ahead, on those days where nothing is going right (cue my day yesterday) just know that it’s going to be ok.

I hope that by sharing a bit of my story, it helps to broaden that understanding and shine a bit of light in what has historically been a very dark place.

I thought that there was someone else who had it wors, in my mind they needed and deserved help but I needed to toughen up. I was bullied through school like most boys, I struggled with my body image and I felt like I wasn’t enough.

I resorted to fads, body shaming, excluding myself from social activities and isolation because I didn’t like who or what I saw in the mirror but in my mind there was always someone who had it worse. So I let that very mean little voice in my head grow bigger, if I have one message it’s this:

"you are way too important to wait, ypu have way too much value to wonder if you should be able to ask for help. you are allowed to take a break and let yourself feel your feelings, itt’s okay not to be okay sometimes."

I live with chronic clinical depression, it's something I've dealt with for most of my teen's life and will probably continue to deal with until the day I die. It's been over a decade since I tought professional help but it's still with me every day.

• it’s there on the best days, telling me I don’t deserve to be this happy.
• it’s there on the worst days, telling me I don’t deserve to even be alive.
• it’s there telling me I’m a failure even when I’m succeeding.
• it’s here right now telling me to stay quiet and keep it a secret.
• it steals joy and makes the tough moments in life that much harder, it’s truly exhausting.
• it makes me want to sleep for days or at least until I feel better.
• it makes me second guess myself and doubt my worth.
• it makes me wonder why my friends and family even bother with me at all.

After more than a decade in treatment, most days are good days and my illness doesn't impede my ability to have fun, do my job, be a good friend or enjoy my life but some days it really does. Those days serve as a reminder that for me, the battle will never be over.

It's important for people who struggle with mental illness to talk about it, if for no other reason than it helps those who don't begin to understand what it's like for us. It's that understanding that will ultimately end the stigma, which is still very much alive today.

Don’t dismiss those feelings, it’s normal. It’s part of the process, your journey matters too. Just breathe, talk a long walk and take time for yourself.

Have the ugly cry, "me” time isn’t selfish — you’ve earned it and you need it. Take care of you, feel it all and know that tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start and that you’ve got this.

I hope that by sharing a bit of my story, it helps to broaden that understanding and shine a bit of light in what has historically been a very dark place.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• Dr Seth Gryffen, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Co-wrote/Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design/Model)
• Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by Sean Lucca-freimann Schofield
• In collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See (UK)