Beautiful Trauma: Burden Of Sourceless Guilt (Chapter. 4)

Written by Andi Bazaar, Co-wrote by Timothée-freimann Schofield | Dec 23, 2022

"Working through deeply rooted childhood trauma that I hadn’t touched since it happened, things I had just buried deep within myself."

For a while I haven’t felt like myself, I stopped doing things that gave me joy and did only the things needed for survival. I used to be an able multitasker but I couldn’t focus on menial tasks.

Every little mistake I made or sometimes didn’t even make gave me massive anxiety and guilt for days, my articulate opinionated self took a back seat and I would just listen or sometimes zone out pretending to listen. I started forgetting things easily which is new.

I thought of therapy for mental health recovery but I became so complacent that even that anticipated work on myself felt like too much, I just didn’t have the energy, I was so exhausted even after doing so little. I wasn’t scared of therapy or may be I was hence procrastination.

I started looking for excuses to start therapy like “I want to see someone in person online is not for me,” — “that therapist’s assistant called me too late I can’t go to that now, such unprofessional behaviour,” — “I will start after I finish this project, that trip”

• For how long will I take myself for granted?
• For how long will I feel like breathing is taking too much energy?
• For how long will I sit and try to get a hold of my mind looking for answers?

This time I didn’t overlook my health, I picked up the phone and made that call. I booked a session for myself finally, this in itself is a big win and you know why I think it’s big? Because that’s where I was struggling, to accept that I will have to work for my mental health, it will not magically heal itself.

There is so much noise around this, people feel guilty for not feeling okay, trust me your mental health is important and you’re a star that you’re even when you feel something needs to get fixed and don’t know what it is. You will get there and get over it soon, take that step.

I grew up with a great family in the cornfields of Chicago, from the outside in everything was perfect and it was until I was about 8 years old or so. I experienced a very traumatic event that shifted the trajectory of my entire life at such a young age, shortly after this event I began developing something that I now know is OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)

I would stay up all night flipping light switches at times, couldn’t step on cracks and washed my hands 100x a day. I did this because of a deep underlying sense of guilt, my mind had convinced me that my parents would die or something very bad would happen if I didn’t act on these compulsions

“I lived with this for years, as I got into my teens it turned into extreme anxieties specifically social anxiety. I was terrified of social interactions.”

So I spent most of my high school days hanging at home, I didn’t go to parties and I didn’t date.

I isolated myself for the most part, on the day of my high school graduation everything came to a head. I had my most intense “panic attack” to date at graduation, I don’t remember much.. it was almost a black out but I just remember uncontrollably sweating for hours, the room was spinning. I couldn’t breathe!

A few months later I moved away to college, 3 hours away from home. My anxiety and mental struggles were worse than ever before, I couldn’t even walk into the school cafeteria without having a full on anxiety attack. After just 1 week I dropped out and moved home, my first approach to solving these ailments was western medicine.

Shortly after this I found myself on anti depressants, my doctor was so quick to prescribe me. I spent 2,5 years on these meds. During this time I was a total zombie, I wasn’t nearly as anxious but I wasn’t happy either. I was kinda just emotionless, I felt helpless and knew my deeper rooted issues weren’t being healed by the meds.

After nearly 3 years around 21 years old I decided to ween myself off of the meds and begin focusing on my deeper rooted issues, I began learning more about emotional trauma. How it’s stored in our bodies and if we don’t consciously work to heal them, they will continue to negatively effect our lives in ways we don't even realize.

I began looking into “subconscious work” — learning how to shine light on these deep traumas and begin healing them, learning how to rewire my subconscious mind

Daily meditations, working with different mentors in the space. Therapy! After a few years of this work I began feeling a big relief, I was on the path of true healing. I found myself happy for the first time in a long time, my anxieties were loosening their grip on me and then at 25 years old I felt the call to head to the jungle to work with Ayahuasca for the first time.

I had known about it since I was 16 years old, I had a divine moment of clarity at 16 where I knew it was going to play a huge role in my life. Everyone who had experienced it talked about it being an incredibly healing medicine, an alternative to western medicine and medication.

They said it had a way of helping us go deeper within ourselves, to heal deeply rooted trauma that western medicine just can’t seem to get to and so everything had finally come full circle, the stars aligned in December 2019 for me to make my first journey to the jungle.

My first week here in the jungle turned out to be one of the best weeks of my life, I received so much healing that I had been seeking for years. Working through deeply rooted childhood trauma that I hadn’t touched since it happened, things I had just buried deep within myself.

From that point my life changed forever, I knew this was the path to healing for me and so many others desperately in need. I made many more trips back to the jungle over the following years to work with Ayahuasca and do my deeper work.

Every time brought with it new breakthroughs, I can proudly say that as I type this right now. I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been. My mind, body and soul. I still experience anxiety and depression occasionally but nothing like I used to, I feel so light — so vibrant and so clear plud I’ve now committed my life to helping other men feel this same way to reach this level of peace in their hearts.

Creating community for men to join together and support each others on this journey of healing, we all need it.

If you can relate to this and are seeking any sort of guidance or clarity on your journey, don’t hesitate to reach out to me.

I can't take credit for anything I've done or am doing, I've had months where I felt helpless, hopeless and visionless. I have to give the glory to God, He makes all things work for my good. Notice I didn't see he makes all things good.

I still have plenty of bad things in my life like everyone else, what that phrase means is he takes all the bad stuff and turns it all around for something better in my life. As a result, my life has an overall positive trend line. There are plenty of bad things but more good.

Because of all my experiences negative and positive, I have a new perspective and wisdom. They help me to help others going through the same things, I now have a platform where my story can make a difference in people's lives. I hope that happens.

Last year, I had many days where I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I didn't understand why and couldn't explain it. I didn't want to feel that way, but I didn't know how not to. I felt embarassed and didn't know who to talk to, I held it in for so long.

This week is the first time I felt understood because of the amazing people on MHMTID Community because of their influence, I felt strong enough to tell my story to them. Now, I'm a completely new person. I have a newfound lease on life, I know where I've been and where I'm going.

My fellow member said it best, sometimes our headlights become dim from all the dirt in life. We can no longer see what's in front of us, so we come to a screeching halt. When we clean the dirt of off each other's headlights, we can finally see again. We can't see everything but we can see enough in front of us to give us the confidence to pick up our pace, I can anticipate curves as they come now because I have brighter headlights. I have hope again because I can see the light, if only we all were dedicated to shedding our light on one another.

How might this world be different? Once again, I will say we are "stronger together."

SUICIDE IS A LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH IN THE UNITED STATES:

• 12.2 million people thought about suicide
• 3.2 million planned a suicide attempt
• 1.2 million attempted a suicide
• 45,979 people died in 2020

We need to talk about mental health.

• STATISTICS

90% of people who commit suicide have a mental or addictive disorder and 60% suffer from depression, more than 10% of Americans have depression and the leading cause of disability for Americans aged 15 - 44.

• GETTING HELP

Depression is not easy, if you or a loved one are suffering from depression, seek medical help and do what you can to navigate this challenging affliction. This article is an attempt to help you understand and navigate, depression.

• DEPRESSION

Depression is a dark emotional state or one of several mood disorders that cause us to feel helpless and hopeless at the same time.

• HAVE A CONVERSATION

If you expect someone has depression or they talk to you about their challenges, practice the VAR method: (Validate, Appreciate and Refer). If someone reaches out with mental health challenges and is invalidated, it may be the last time they ever reach out.

• VALIDATE

Let the speaker know their feelings are okay and you believe them:

1. I hear you
2. I believe you
3. That makes sense
4. That sounds difficult
5. I’m sorry you’re struggling
6. That must be really difficult

• APPRECIATE

Let them know you're happy they chose you to talk to and they're brave to share their story:

1. You are not alone
2. Thank you for sharing
3. I’m here for you if you want to talk
4. I’ll support you through this tough time

• REFER

Let the person know help is available and refer them to the right resources, support them in finding a helpful sollution.

1. What do you do for self-care
2. How does some fresh air sound
3. How does work-life balance feel now

• DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS (SYMPTOMS CAN INCLUDE):

1. depressed mood
2. persistent fatigue
3. interruptions in sleep
4. decreased concentration
5. feelings of worthlessness
6. loss of interest in activities
7. recurring thoughts of death
8. fluctuations in weight or appetite

• BIOPSYCHOSOCIAL MODEL

The biopsychosocial model is a framework to evaluate and treat diseases, which considers:

1. biology
2. psychology
3. sociology

It considers our full lives versus an isolated piece of them, this is how we'll approach this conversation.

• AWARENESS

Be aware of your mood, take note of your mood regularly. There is a spectrum from depression to happiness and we want to observe where you are on the range. If you're in a depressed mood for a sustained period, you want to call attention to it and take action.

• STATE MACHINE

With awareness, recognize how your behavior leads to certain moods:

1. When you do x, you become sad
2. When you do y, you become happy

This knowledge creates your state machines and gives you the information to go from one state to another, if your awareness says, "I am depressed" then you may be able to go from your depressed state to a happy state by engaging in those behaviors that make you happy.

YOUR STATE MACHINE CAN TELL YOU:

1. What state you’re in
2. How you change your state

• PERCEPTION

You don't perceive the world as it is, you perceive the world as you are. Think of your perception as rose-tinted glasses when happy or sunglasses when you're depressed. Learn how to change your lenses and cognitive behavior therapy is a tool you can use.

• PERCEPTION CYCLE

When you have the sunglasses on, you’ll perceive things differently and given the glasses you have on, it will be negative and lead you into a negative spiral. This negativity will build on itself, compounding in nature, until you’re in the abyss.

• KILL THE PERCEPTION CYCLE

You need to spot the negative cycle as quickly as possible using awareness, you need to shut it off using cognitive behavior therapy, meditation or journaling tools.

1. Write down the negative thought
2. Challenge it with positive thoughts
3. Challenge Your Thinking

Through childhood, you learn to think and behave in certain ways. At the time, it's often serving you but as you age, these thoughts and behaviors may not serve you.

YOU NEED TO QUESTION THEM:

1. Is this serving me
2. Pattern recognition

We talked about being aware of your thoughts about being aware of your behaviors and what states they indicate, recognizing the patterns of your thoughts, behaviors and moods.

WHEN YOU RECOGNIZE THE PATTERNS, YOU CAN CHANGE THEM.

1. Stoicism

The Stoics believed in challenging their thoughts and only giving consent to "real" or "logical" thoughts, you can do this by observing and journaling your thoughts as part of the pattern recognition exercise. Be vigilant of negative thoughts, don’t permit them.

Every day, journal your thoughts. Observe your behaviors and mood in your journal entry. Examine the history to look for patterns in thought, behavior and mood. The more consistent you are, the more successful you will be.

• STRESS AWARENESS (YOU LIVE IN A STRESSFUL WORLD):

• News
• Career
• Politics
• Social media

You are constantly bombarded with negative information, everything is programmed to trigger a dopamine rush. The stress in your life is pervasive.

• DIET AND EXERCISE

Your diet puts stress on your body, it puts stress on your mental processes. The standard N, American diet is not sufficient with excess sugars and insufficient Omega 3, as an example.

As N. American's, we are also a sedentary people.

• DIET, EXERCISE AND STRESS REDUCTION

There is a lot of research that shows you can decrease stress and depression by:

1. Increasing sunlight
2. Improving diet
3. Exercising

When we look at group's that have not adopted a "modern life" we see lower rates of depression, the Kaluli People in Papa New Guinea are an example.

AS A HUNTER-GATHERER PEOPLE, THEY:

1. exercise regularly
2. get lots of sunlight
3. eat real and natural foods
4. have a close community

They have near zero reported cases of mental illness.

• SUFFERING IN SILENCE

A big challenge for men is we suffer in silence, which has worsened through covid isolation. You need to reach out to the men in your life, you need to encourage them to find community with others and share their:

1. feelings
2. thoughts
3. emotions

As a leader in Men's work, I would often respond to an open share by letting a man know: "brother, everything you're describing is a sign you're depressed, and can I ask you to get help."

When they were hesitant, I would ask the other men to put up their hand if they'd been depressed.

80%+ would raise their hand, if I asked them to raise their hand if they’d sought medical help.
60%+ would raise their hand.

• THE IMPORTANCE OF FAITH

Whether you believe in God or simply have faith, there is power. When you know, there is a greater purpose for you in the world, it is easier to think positively. It is easier to realize it will get better, to not be helpless and hopeless.

• MINDFULNESS

Often our depression results from our thought processes, which is where meditation and mindfulness come in. Through these practices, we learn to be present at this moment, instead of spinning in our negative thoughts.

CHOOSE TO BE PRESENT, RIGHT HERE.

• LOCUS OF CONTROL

If we cannot control it, we should not worry about it. When something is outside our control circle, dwelling on it will depress us. Instead, focus on what you can control.

• SEE A DOCTOR

Like I would say to those young men in the circle, if you are dealing with depression, see a professional. Find a professional who you identify with who you're comfortable with and who you can talk to.

• YOU AREN’T ALONE

I’ve been dealing with depression for 19 years successfully, there are times I have dark thoughts and struggle in my life even with a consistent practice. You are not alone and you are loved.

TL;DR:

If you're dealing with depression:

1. See a Doctor
2. Get out in nature
3. Improve your diet
4. Increase your sunlight
5. Increase your exercise
6. Observe your thoughts
7. Focus on positive thoughts
8. Audit thoughts and behaviors
9. Challenge negative thoughts

I told this story following a huge breakthrough in my mental health struggles. Now, I have devoted my life to helping others through their mental health journey. I hope this testimony is able to help your life and those around you, feel free to share.

A SPECIAL THANKS TO:

• Dr Oliver Schofield, MD (Consulting)
• Dr Seth Gryffenberg, MD (Consulting)
• Timothée Freimann schofield (Co-wrote/Photographed)
• Clayton Euridicé Schofield (Editor/Journalist)
• Scott Wynné Schofield (Publisher)
• Henrie Louis Friedrich (Analyst)
• Jwan Höffler Conwall (Art Interior Design)
• Hugo-licharre Freimann (Ass Director)
• Shot at GQ’s Studios by José Schenkkan and Benjamin Schenkkan Joseph
• In appearance by Emmanuel Piero-luccá Schofield
• In collaboration with The Me: You Can’t See